Ted 2 Page #3

So, uh, basically, that's it.

We need a sperm donor.

So what do you say?

You'd really be helping

me and Tami out.

No can do, my brother.

Well, why not?

Look, I did a lot of blow

in the '80s,

and my sperm count's

a little low.

How low?

- One.

- One?

Yeah, little fella's having his own

I Am Legend in my nut sack.

Well,

can we have that one?

No! Gonna need it for protein

if I ever get lost at sea.

Come on, guys.

I mean, are we done here?

I got to go.

That Sister, Sister marathon

ain't gonna watch itself.

Can't believe it.

That son of a b*tch.

That was really selfish of him.

I know.

And after I watched his piece-of-sh*t movie,

like, a hundred times.

Goddamn it!

Oh, sh*t!

Johnny, please, just help me do this.

Okay?

He's the only guy in the world whose

sperm is even close to Flash Gordon's.

Ted, it's insane.

We could get in a lot of trouble.

But not

if nobody finds out.

Look, look, John, John.

We sneak into his house,

jerk him off in his sleep

and sneak out with the sperm.

It'll be easy.

And think how awesome the baby will be.

Would be a sweet-ass

f***ing baby.

I'll help you.

But we got to have a game plan.

Just calm down.

Yeah, can I help you?

Hey!

Are you "Tom Brady"?

Yeah.

Hey.

Your neighbors called,

and your air conditioner's

making a loud noise...

so I'm supposed to

check out the unit.

- Okay. Yeah, it's around back.

- Okay.

I just may need a signature in case

I got to get some parts, for the billing.

You could just write that to John and Ted.

Put number 12.

And you're not a cheater.

I think your balls are perfect.

- It's around back.

- All right. Yeah.

Okay.

Stupid idiot.

Okay. Go, go, go!

Take the damn raincoat off.

It's making too much noise.

Piss off! I don't wanna

get any jizz on me.

Two league MVPs,

four Super Bowl rings,

guaranteed first ballot

hall-of-famer.

Now let's give him a hand job

into this red Solo cup.

All right.

Go ahead.

What do you mean, go ahead?

You do it.

What are you talking about?

You're the one who needs the sperm.

But it's got to be a human hand.

It's got to be skin on skin,

otherwise it doesn't work.

No, it doesn't.

It's just friction.

I've never done this before.

Neither have I.

You do it to yourself.

Yeah, but that's different.

You're an adult with a poster of this guy

in your f***ing room.

You're tellin' me

you don't want this?

Yeah, I want it.

You know I want it, but I'm nervous.

What if he doesn't

like the way I do it?

Pull yourself together, for God's sakes.

He's gonna love it. Go, go, go.

All right.

Sweet God and baby Jesus.

And that's at rest.

What the hell?

Mr. Brady, we need a moment of

your time.

What are you doing here?

Who are you? Get out of my house!

- Oh, God!

- Wait, Mr. Brady!

Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!

Holy sh*t!

Perfect spiral!

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Sh*t!

What the hell do we do now?

Hey, Ted, let me

ask you something.

What's that?

Why didn't you

just come to me?

What are you talking about?

For the sperm.

Johnny, you kidding me, man?

You were the first person

I wanted to go to.

But you've just been so bummed out

over your divorce lately...

that I didn't want to put you

in an awkward position.

And plus, after seeing your laptop,

I didn't think you had any left.

Just so you know,

I'm totally willing to do it.

Really?

You'd do that for me?

What? Ted, you're my best friend.

I'd do anything for you.

Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's

house and tried to jerk him off.

You're ready to be a parent.

God,

I don't know what to say.

Johnny, thank you.

Thank you so much!

Hey, thunder buddies

for life, remember?

Thunder buddies for life.

Come on. We got to get out of here

before the cops show up.

All units,

we have a 317 on Maple Drive.

Area units, please respond.

What's a 317? Someone's trying to steal

Tom Brady's jizz again.

Really?

Welcome to Boston, kid.

What is that?

What?

What are you doing?

I'm getting ready, dude.

What do you mean?

What are you doing to your hand?

I'm doing this for you.

I'm getting ready.

I got to go in and perform.

You got your hand on your dick.

I'm trying to get it half hard,

so I could just bust it out.

Sitting out here in public,

jerking off?

Where do you think you are?

Red Lobster?

What do you think I got to do in there?

Forget it.

But, now, look, you haven't smoked pot

for two whole days, right?

Yes, I told you.

I'm clean, all right?

Your baby's gonna be fine.

I'm sorry. I just don't want something

I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16.

- "John Bennett."

- Hi.

Right this way. I'll show you where

to deposit your specimen.

Hey, Johnny.

Johnny.

I'm John Bennett.

I know.

I just said your name.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.

I've been out of the game

for a while.

The game?

I don't talk to pretty girls that often.

Pretty women, ladies.

I see.

Hey, when I'm done here,

how about a drink?

I didn't... I don't...

I don't mean this.

- I meant, like, a regular drink.

- I have a boyfriend.

Oh.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Too bad.

You're missing out on a great guy.

Um, do I just spit in my hand or do

I get a lube or something?

A magazine? Video?

I like Asian teen stuff preferably.

There's lube right there.

All right. Yeah, thanks.

Excuse me. Where's your

non-jerk-off bathroom?

Down that hallway,

to the left.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, no way.

Hey, Doc, is this where you guys

store all the stuff?

It's the intermediary station

before insemination.

Are you submitting?

No.

My friend is yanking out a sample

in one of the rooms.

Well, that's a good friend.

Yeah.

- I'm Dr. Danzer.

- Oh, cool.

Hold me closer

Dr. Danzer

Yeah, whatever.

I don't know.

Now, wait.

You look familiar.

- Are you that teddy bear who came alive?

- I am. That's me, yeah.

I was trying to figure out

where I'd seen you before, and that's it.

Good eye, good eye.

So, how did you get into this line of work?

Do you just love come?

Not especially.

But I love helping good people

fulfill their dreams of having children.

It's amazing

what we can do here.

You wanna have a look?

Yeah, sure.

This is where we perform

our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis.

We can eliminate

hereditary diseases...

such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy,

sickle-cell anemia.

- The list goes on and on, really.

- Wow.

- Hey, Johnny! You did it!

- Right here, buddy.

Ew.

I mean, awesome!

Excuse me. Doctor, your wife's on the phone.

She said it's an emergency.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

You wanna see it? Huh?

You wanna see your kid?

I can see it from here.

Thanks.

- Take a closer look. It's your kid.

- No, no, no! Come on!

- Take a closer look.

- That's close enough!

- He's beautiful.

- I'll trade you. Catch.

- Sh*t!

- Oh, God!

F***, dude.

That's somebody's kid!

Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod!

You were supposed to catch it!

- We got to find something to scoop it up.

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