Ted 2 Page #4

- There's containers over there.

Sh*t.

All right.

No, no, that's not gonna work.

You need two of them.

Scoop one into the other.

Oh, sh*t!

F***!

Oh! Oh, f***!

- Oh, my God!

- F***! F***! F***!

Oh, my God!

It's in my eyes!

- I'm blinking it in!

You got to f***ing help me!

God! It's in my f***ing mouth!

Hang on. I got to

post this on Facebook.

No!

Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."

- Oh, my God!

- Look, I'm so sorry.

We swear to God.

It was an accident.

We're so sorry.

Well, I guess it's all right.

Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples.

Ah, you hear that, Johnny?

You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm.

You look like a Kardashian.

F***!

No, make sure you have all the updated

information on our Comic Con placement.

This has to be the biggest,

most impressive rollout at the convention.

Morning, Mr. Jessup.

Good morning. Now...

My name's Donny.

Hi, Donny.

Hi. Now this is

a multi-platform release,

- so I want a full report on all...

- Fresh cakes.

What?

In the urinals, sir.

I noticed you always

use urinal four,

so I put fresh cakes

in there for you.

You're an important man.

You should never have to smell pee.

See, most people flip the cakes.

I replace the cakes.

That's the Donny difference.

I need a full report on all the

placement of our merchandise.

Contact Bob Jennings

at Javits...

Hi, Ted.

I've missed you.

I love you!

I wuv you too.

I wuv you too!

I wuv you too!

Pretty soon you'll be

saying that for real.

Pretty soon.

Pretty soon. Pretty soon.

This is gonna work.

This is gonna work.

This is gonna work.

Okay.

Just... Shh!

Okay.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no!

Oh, sh...

Soon, my love.

Soon.

I'm afraid

I have bad news.

I won't be able to perform

the implantation procedure.

Wait, what?

Why not?

Tami-Lynn, according to your test results,

you're no longer fertile.

What?

Wait, Doc, are you sure

about that?

Maybe you should check

again or something, you know?

I'm quite sure.

Tami-Lynn, because of your history

of excessive drug use...

your ovarian canal has been

somewhat compromised.

What are you talking about?

It looks fine. Yeah.

Forgive me.

That's a normal ovary.

This is Tami-Lynn's.

Jesus.

Yeah, but I bet this stuff

happens a lot.

You probably see this kind of stuff

all the time, right?

No, not once.

Not ever.

When I saw this, I threw up.

Almost quit medicine.

Bottom line is,

insemination is not possible.

I don't understand, okay?

None of this makes any sense.

It's okay. It's okay, honey.

Come on. Let's go.

But what does this mean, Teddy?

Does it mean we can't have a baby?

I don't know.

But it's gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

It really isn't.

Teddy, I got

a really good feeling about this.

I know. Me too.

I mean, adoption's great.

Right?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted.

Yeah! Yeah.

And also a million kids who did nothin'.

You know, Teddy,

this has been nice,

you and me doing this together.

It's like we have a common goal

or somethin'. Right?

I love hearing you say that,

'cause I feel exactly the same way.

- And we ain't fought in, like, a week.

- I know! We haven't!

Hey, if the baby works out,

we should get a dog.

Oh, my God.

A German shepherd.

- A German shepherd and a baby, together.

- It's, like, the perfect family.

- And a gun to protect us all!

- Yes!

Okay, as soon as we get the baby,

we get the gun.

I love our gun-dog-baby family!

Well, I've gone through

your application...

and vetted

your personal histories,

and I'm afraid

this isn't gonna work out.

What?

Why not?

First of all, there's the question

of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction.

Hey, I did my community service.

Yeah, besides, that was five years ago.

She's clean.

There's another issue...

and, honestly,

it's the more serious one.

I was reluctant

to bring it up because...

it's a little awkward.

Ted, in the eyes of the state,

you are not a person.

Wait, what?

The state official I spoke to said that technically,

you are classified as property.

I'm not a person?

Not according to the government.

I'm sorry.

But that is so f***ed up!

Property?

You know what, Teddy?

Let's get out of here.

Come on.

Look.

You seem like good people.

Be careful.

What do you mean,

be careful?

The state official

I spoke to...

made it sound like your status

had gone under the radar for some time.

Your adoption request

may have raised some red flags.

If they choose

to investigate the issue,

it may leave you

quite vulnerable.

Hey. I just got off work

and heard your message.

Did they actually tell you that?

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Property... They said I'm property.

What does that even mean?

Like, you're a thing?

What, like garbage

or a piece of sh*t?

Well, I mean, maybe more like a hammer

or an orange, but yeah.

What the hell do they know?

It's just a word.

They can't change your whole life just

by calling you property.

Bullshit!

You better ask my ancestors.

One minute, you in Africa,

washing your clothes in a river.

Titties out. You good.

Then all of a sudden, you somewhere

across the world, f***ing Thomas Jefferson.

Wow! You make history

come alive.

Why the hell is this

just coming up now?

Well, I mean,

I've never voted.

I don't have a driver's license.

I don't pay taxes.

I mean, hell, this is

the first job I ever had.

Ted, can I see you for a moment?

I'm sorry,

but I'm gonna have to let you go.

What? Why? I've been busting

my ass at this job for three years!

I just got a call

from the Labor Department.

I can't legally keep you on

as an employee...

because I've been informed

that you're technically...

Technically not a person.

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry.

But as of today, you're fired.

"Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been

terminated due to a lack of citizenship."

"Dear Ted, your Discover card

has been revoked."

"Dear Ted, you are no longer

a Papa Gino's rewards member."

F***, that's a big one.

This poor baby booty.

It's always gonna be empty.

There's never gonna be

a little foot in here.

I don't understand.

We would have made such great parents.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Teddy!

What? What's wrong?

Look at this.

"Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts

regrets to inform you...

that due to an oversight

regarding your legal status,

your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty

is unrecognized by the state...

and, therefore, invalid

and hereby annulled."

- Teddy, can they do this to us?

- Let me see that.

This is a nightmare.

- You f***ing believe that?

- No.

This is insane.

I mean, Tami's the woman I love.

I never would even have

tried to adopt a dog...

if I had known it was gonna

cause me this sh*t storm.

This whole thing is complete bullshit.

We gotta fight it.

What do you mean?

I mean, we get a lawyer.

Oh, my God.

Can we do that?

Hell, yeah!

You know what we do?

We'll get a lawyer, and we'll sue the

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