Ted 2 Page #5

f***ing government for your civil rights.

Johnny,

that's a great idea!

Hey, hey, maybe we get one of them

Harrison Ford lawyers...

who gets shot in the head,

then turns all retarded and nice and goes...

"What we're doing is wrong."

Yes. We get out there, and stick it to them.

Take that sh*t all the way up

to Judge Judy if we have to.

Yeah. But we don't know

any lawyers.

All our friends make sandwiches.

We just Google "Boston lawyers."

Ah.

Jesus.

Look at that black cock.

Huh. This is a very complicated case

you have here.

Most civil rights cases are,

but this one has some

very obvious wrinkles.

Everybody says

you're the best in town.

Listen, your case

is not gonna be cheap.

What is

your financial situation?

All of our holdings

are tied up in the railroads.

Yeah, Reading Railroad,

B & O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad.

We're working on Short Line.

I own four houses on Baltic Ave. I was thinking

about tearing them down, building a hotel.

I won second prize in a beauty contest.

That's $50 right there.

Are you guys just saying

Monopoly stuff?

I'm gonna go drive around the block,

and I'll be back with $200.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

My niece recently

passed her bar exam,

and I've hired her on

as a junior associate here at the firm.

I could assign her

to your case pro bono,

and then you would get

a hungry young attorney,

and I would get

a more experienced lawyer in return.

What do you say to that?

Yeah, sure.

Sounds great.

Uh, are those hard candies,

like, just to take?

Uh, those aren't

supposed to be out.

Hello?

Oh, f***.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You must be Ted.

Yeah, uh, I'm Ted.

This is my buddy, John.

Hi.

My uncle says that you guys

are my first clients.

Uh, well, it's been discussed,

but, um,

- do you mind if I ask how old you are?

- I'm 26.

- Ah.

- What, is there a problem?

I just don't want my lawyer singing

Frozen songs during the opening arguments.

It's just that

it's a really important case.

Ted has already lost his job.

His marriage has been annulled.

I know. My uncle

gave me all the details.

Right. You see, the thing is, we don't

wanna take any chances...

because the stakes

are so significant.

We can't rush into anything.

We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

We appreciate your time,

but I think what we're gonna do is...

just take a seat

and get to work.

Trust you completely. Yeah, we really

feel like you got a lot to offer.

Sorry. You don't mind the pot, do you?

I get migraines.

Oh, absolutely. Me too.

That's fine.

I'm gonna get a huge migraine

in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

Ted. How are you?

Good to meet you.

John.

Nice to meet you.

Wait, wait wait.

What's your middle name? Leslie.

Oh, my God!

So you're Sam L. Jackson!

That's f***ing great!

- Just like Sam L. Jackson!

- Who is that?

You ever seen any movie ever?

He's the black guy.

That weed is really good.

It reminds me of the strain I smoked last

summer called "Here Comes Autism."

Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of

like this other batch we had called...

"How Long Has That Van

Been There?"

No, it's this new strain my dealer

gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

I'm surprised

a lawyer like you gets high.

Aren't you supposed to be

fightin' the war on drugs and that sh*t?

Please, the war on drugs

is a joke.

It's just a way for the government

to inflate law enforcement budgets...

and lock up minorities

for no good legal reason.

And you, my friend,

are an oppressed minority.

Yeah.

No sh*t.

They've denied you the same rights as

everybody else just because you're different,

and I say that's a violation

of the Constitution.

Well, so what do you say?

Can you get me my life back?

I'm gonna try.

Hey, guys?

- I'm having some trouble over here.

- What's the matter?

Can you help me get home?

I'm having

a really hard time here, guys.

Johnny, it's okay, buddy.

You're doing fine.

You're doing great.

No, I'm scared.

It's okay, though.

You just have to hang onto the wall.

Don't let the goose get me!

How far away does he live?

About a mile and a half.

F***, okay.

Hey, it's okay.

One foot in front of the other.

Open your eyes

A helpful surprise

All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford,

Plessy v. Ferguson...

and Brown v.

The Board of Education.

I got Kramer vs. Kramer,

Alien vs. Predator and Freddy vs. Jason.

I got Ernest Goes to Camp,

Ernest Goes to Jail...

and The Importance of Being Earnest,

which was very disappointing.

Well, I know we can do it

You know we can do it too

But there's work

to be done now

Work to be done

You've got to put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot

down, down, down

- I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Ready?

- Yep, bring it on.

You're on the stand,

the DA says,

"Ted, do you consider

yourself to be human?"

Objection!

Sustained!

No, the witness can't object.

Overruled!

Sidebar!

Guilty!

Speculation!

Hearsay!

Bailiff!

Briefcase!

Disregard!

In my chambers!

Stop beavering the witness!

I rest.

We could totally

be lawyers.

Bang.

Given no chance

Teach her to dance

Coming to life

little by little

Well, I know we can do it

You know we can do it too

But there's work to be done now

Work to be done

You've got to put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot

down, down, down

Got to put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot down

down, down, down

Put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot down

down, down

Put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot down

down, down

You've got to put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot down

down, down

You've got to put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot down

down, down

Got to put one foot

in front of the other

Put your other foot down

down, down, down, down, down

I'm gonna fall off the building.

Your name is Toby!

You're going to learn

to say your name.

Let me hear you say it.

What's your name?

Kunta.

Kunta Kinte.

That's just like me.

That's exactly what I'm going through.

Well,

it's a little different.

Ted, if you legally become a person,

you're gonna need a last name.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Okay, okay, I got one.

- Okay, what is it?

- Last name of a movie character.

Ah.

He knows where this is goin'.

All right, you ready?

Yep.

Go!

Skywalker, Solo, Vader,

Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian,

Balboa, Rambo, Griswold,

Stepford, Bickle, Gump,

Corleone, Wonka,

Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler,

Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko,

Golighty, Higgins,

Dolittle, Poppins,

Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze,

O'Hara, Butler, McFly,

Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy,

Scissorhands, Drebin,

Bueller, Lecter,

Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire,

Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander,

Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

- Clubber Lang.

- F***in'...

Who is Clubber Lang?

- Who's Clubber Lang?

- Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello?

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