Ted 2 Page #6

Is that the boxing movies?

The boxing... You've never seen Rocky?

She's not serious.

You've never seen Rocky?

You know...

You know, Rocky!

I'm not gonna remember

a movie I've never seen...

just because you're singing

a song I don't know.

You don't know Samuel L. Jackson.

You don't know Rocky.

You are literally

pop-culture illiterate.

I have a college degree.

My pop-culture references are Hamlet,

Achilles, Dorian Gray. Ever heard of them?

No, but I'm pretty sure

Mr. T could kick their ass!

Yeah, Sam, you really

need to be educated.

Oh, really? Um,

can either of you tell me

who wrote The Great Gatsby?

Judy Blume?

Hitler?

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

- Who's that?

- The author.

- Why are you saying "F*** him"?

- What?

You just said,

"Eff Scott Fitzgerald."

What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

Yeah.

No, that's his first name.

- His name's "F*** Scott Fitzgerald"?

- What? No.

- Well, then, what's the F stand for?

- Francis.

No. Got to be F***.

It must be F***.

Gotta be F***.

It has to be F***.

- Why would it be F***?

- Otherwise, why wouldn't he say it?

He's hiding something.

It's F***. Read between the lines, Sam.

That's completely insane.

You guys are idiots.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Ted Clubber Lang.

Get used to it.

Yes?

Sir? Um, one of the janitors

would like to see you.

I'm busy.

Fresh cakes.

- What is it, Danny?

- Donny, sir.

Donny, I'm extremely busy

with the Comic Con presentations, so...

I'm told that you have

an open-door policy here at Hasbro...

for new toy ideas from

any and all employees?

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

All right, come in.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love your dress.

I love these things!

Look at this!

Don't touch my pony.

Sorry.

Mr. Jessup, I can make this company

a billion dollars.

I'm listening.

Thirty years ago,

a little boy named John Bennett...

made a wish that his teddy bear

would come to life.

Somehow,

one of our Hasbro bears...

Yes, I'm aware of the story.

Have you seen this?

So what?

Well, Ted is suing

for his civil rights.

If he loses, the state

will officially declare him a non-entity...

with no rights under the law.

That means he becomes property.

Mr. Jessup,

we could take him back, with only

a trivial degree of legal consequence...

if we were even caught.

And why would we do this?

Sir, if we could cut him open

to see what makes him tick,

we could manufacture millions of

Teds for every child in the world.

Hasbro would double

its profits overnight.

Go on.

We-We just have to make sure

Ted loses the case.

You use every back channel,

every bribe,

you call in every favor...

and you get the best lawyer

in the world on the defense.

When Ted's rights

are officially null,

we grab him.

No one's going to kick up

a legal fuss over property.

You're a hell of a lot smarter

than your urinal cakes, Danny.

Really?

Now, what exactly

do you want from this?

Mr. Jessup,

I'm not interested in money.

I just want a Ted

for my very own.

All right. I think I can handle

the defense.

But let's make one thing clear.

We never had this conversation.

Goldner and the board cannot

know about this until we have him.

Do you understand?

Yes, I do.

I need Shep Wild.

That was such a good dinner,

Tami-Lynn.

I've never had Pringles on my steak before.

It's my pleasure.

It's the least I can do

with all you're doing for us. Really.

Well, I haven't

done anything yet.

We wanted to take you

out to dinner,

but all we got is Tami's income these days

since nobody will hire me.

Things are getting

really tight, huh?

Yeah, I've had to do

some things I'm not proud of.

BJ's here!

Get your BJ's!

Get your red-hot BJ's!

Toothless and ready to go.

Just three dollar! Three dollar!

Get your BJ's here.

Wow.

Hey, listen,

I got an idea.

Tami, what do you say

you and me go do the dishes...

and give Sam and Diane here

some alone time, huh?

All right, all right.

Hey, you go pull a bad back,

b*tch!

What do you think

that was about?

Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying

I should ask you out.

Ah.

Yeah, look.

We should probably focus

our attention on the case for now.

I completely agree.

You know,

I am a little bit curious.

How is it that a guy like you

is unattached?

Well, I-I was married at one point,

but it just didn't work out.

Sh*t. I'm sorry.

That sucks.

No. I mean, we'd make it work

day to day,

but she was always just trying

to change me into someone I'm not.

And I tried, you know?

I really tried everything I could to be

the man that she wanted.

One day I woke up, and I just

realized I wasn't myself anymore.

You know? As much as I love this person,

we're completely wrong for each other.

At least

you figured it out early.

Some people go through their whole lives

trying to make it work with the wrong person.

Yeah.

So, we're gonna win this thing?

Honestly, I don't know.

Well, we're betting on you.

Hey, Johnny, come on.

It's almost 7:
00. We got to get up there.

- Hey, Sam, you want in on this?

- What is it?

Tuesday nights, we get f***ed up

and throw apples at joggers.

Oh, there's one!

- How's your workout?

- F*** you!

Eat my p*ssy!

Have some apples!

Jesus, what the hell

is your problem?

It's everybody else's fault,

Mary Decker!

You sons of b*tches!

What the f*** is your...

That's the lottery!

That's the lottery!

That's what you get

for f***ing exercising!

That is unbelievable!

Teddy.

Teddy, I'm scared.

Baby, we're gonna be fine.

I don't care what any f***ing

piece of paper says. You're my wife.

I love you so much.

I swear to God, if we lose,

I'm gonna f***ing cut that judge.

Wait a minute.

You brought your switchblade?

Yeah.

But they patted us down on the way in here.

Where'd you even hide it?

Oh!

Hey, Sam,

who's that buttnut over there?

That is why we've been working so hard.

That's Shep Wild.

It's our bad luck

they put him on the trial.

He's never lost a case

in his life.

Mr. Wild, your opening statement,

if you please.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I would first like to thank

the ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

for taking time out

of their busy schedules...

to be a part

of these proceedings.

Now, the case we'll be examining today

is really quite a simple one.

Is Ted a human being...

or a piece of property?

You know, it really is

a very special,

very... unique thing

to be human.

It's a gift from God bestowed

upon only one species... Us.

But if we suddenly decide

to share that gift,

where does that lead us?

Does your dog deserve

human rights?

Your cat?

Your toaster?

Suddenly, being human

doesn't seem so special anymore, does it?

I'm confident you'll make

the right decision.

Thank you, Mr. Wild,

for your opening statement.

Ms. Jackson?

Hi.

I am Samantha Jackson.

I gotta be honest with you.

I'm... I'm a little nervous.

Why am I nervous?

Um...

Not because I'm a junior attorney

arguing her first case.

And not because some of you might laugh at

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