Ted 2 Page #7

the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear.

No, I'm-I'm nervous

because of one simple word.

"Justice."

I'm nervous that

you're going to be swayed...

by smooth talk and a haircut,

and forget about the most

important aspect of this case.

Justice.

150 years ago,

a slave by the name of Dred Scott...

sued to prove that he was a

person and not a piece of property.

He lost.

And as history has shown us,

that wasn't justice.

In every civil rights conflict,

we are only able to recognize the just

point of view years after the fact.

And when the next conflict

comes along,

we're once again

blind to it as it's happening.

"Well, this is different,"

we say. But it isn't.

It is the same beast

just wearing a different face...

and it's happening again today.

So I urge you,

ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

not to be a footnote

on the wrong side of history.

Don't wait too long to be right.

Thank you.

- Erection.

- Sustained.

Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently

considered adopting a child. Is that correct?

Yeah.

If I may inquire,

why did you not choose

to have a child of your own?

'Cause Teddy ain't got no dick.

And why does Ted not possess

a, uh, male appendage?

Is it a freak of genetics?

No, a**hole. He ain't got a dick

'cause he's a f***ing toy!

- What's your excuse?

- Oh! Take a burn!

Yeah! How's your tongue taste

in your own ass, Poindexter?

Yeah! How'd you...

What?

Order!

Mr. Bennett, how would you categorize

your relationship with Ted?

He's my best friend.

So you don't see him

as your property.

No, he's not my property.

He's a person.

He's way more of a person

than lots of other people.

F***ing Steven Tyler?

What the f*** is that?

Some kind of weird soccer-mom

looking Goonie monster?

- Your Honor?

- I'll allow it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your witness.

Mr. Bennett, when and where did you

first encounter Ted?

What do you mean?

My parents got him for me when I was a kid.

Aha. They "got him."

Where did they get him?

Child World toy store.

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear.

Could you repeat that?

Child World toy store.

You f***ing heard me.

There's no need for hostility,

Mr. Bennett. Why? Nobody here likes you!

I saw you eating lunch alone!

You're a loser!

- Your Honor?

- Mr. Bennett.

I hope your kids get bird flu.

Mr. Bennett!

I'm sorry.

Now, you said

your parents purchased Ted...

as one might purchase a baseball glove

or a Big Wheel.

- No, it's not like that!

- Objection!

- You can't do that.

- You know what? This is bullshit!

This court is trying to tell me that

I'm not as good as other people...

and this is exactly what

you've been doing to the fags!

- Ted!

- Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos.

This is exactly what you've been

doing to the homos, and I say it's wrong!

Ms. Jackson,

please control your client...

or I'll hold both of you

in contempt of court.

Oh, piss off!

All right?

I'm standing up for me,

and I'm standing up for the homos!

- We deserve respect!

- Ted, shut up!

Fine.

Your Honor, I'd like to call

Ted Clubber Lang to the stand.

Yes!

My turn, a**holes.

Ted, do you love your wife?

Objection. She's not his wife.

The marriage was annulled.

I'll rephrase.

Do you love Tami-Lynn?

I love my wife.

Okay? My wife...

more than anything in the world.

We're married.

I don't care what anybody says.

So you're saying you are

capable of feeling love. Yeah.

Hey, it must be weird for you guys,

having a doll up here on the stand...

with no kid pointing to where

his uncle touched him, huh?

Yeah, no, yeah, no.

Yeah, I am capable.

I love a lot of stuff.

Ted, do you believe

you have a soul?

What did you think

I would do at this moment

When you're standing

before me

With tears

in your eyes?

That answer your question?

Objection.

Your Honor.

Overruled.

What it is, man.

Dynomite.

- Ted.

- Right, right. Sorry, sorry.

Look,

I'm not a scientist, okay?

I don't know exactly

what makes a person a person.

All I know is I feel stuff,

just like all you guys.

And I don't think

I ought to be treated any different.

Capable of love.

Aware of his own consciousness.

Seems pretty human to me.

No further questions.

Mr. Kidder,

you were an employee at Hasbro

from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct?

Yes, I supervised the stuffing

of the teddy bears.

- And what is that stuffing made of?

- A synthetic cotton-poly blend.

Is there anything else in there?

The bear products are affixed

with an electronic device in the chest...

which can be programmed to say

any one of five phrases.

Hmm.

Ted, would you please

press your chest?

What?

Please follow the instruction,

Mr. Clubber Lang.

I love you!

No further questions.

Also in the news,

a pending court case...

is beginning to get national attention

for its civil rights ramifications.

Ted, the bear, who some of you

may remember came to life...

back in the mid-'80s

right here in Boston...

is suing to prove

he is, indeed, a person.

Okay, so what are we even

talking about here?

What we're talking about

is a civil rights issue.

This bear has rights.

Oh, come on!

He does not! He's a toy.

Then why are you

calling it a "he"?

Look, we call

the Statue of Liberty "she,"

but we all know it's an

object made of copper and steel.

Oh, good point.

Yes, but she isn't

conscious or sentient. He is.

Now, come on!

Are any of you gonna sit there and tell

me that this stuffed doll is a person?

No. Not at all.

We all agree all the time.

So, the big story out of Boston

is that Ted, the bear,

is suing to prove

that he's a person.

Legal experts are closely

watching this case.

They said if Ted wins,

Donald Trump's hair would

look to quickly file a similar lawsuit.

So... I think it might be...

it might be real.

I don't think he should want

to be considered a person.

After all, Ted spent many

years sleeping and cuddling with a child.

That's cute when

you're a stuffed animal.

When you're a person,

that's a felony.

This sounds like a silly case,

but this is actually a really big case.

The last time someone named Ted

made this much news in Massachusetts,

he drove a chick into a lake.

Ted, do you have anything

to say in your own defense?

I am not an animal!

You see, Your Honor?

He's not an animal.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

I'm on my period.

And live from New York,

it's Saturday Night!

What is taking them so long?

Is it bad

that they're taking this long?

It's not good or bad. It just means

that they're probably having a debate.

- Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card.

- What do you mean?

- I mean saying his name three times.

- What?

- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

- Shut up!

You f***ing crazy? We don't want

that guy running around in here.

No, Johnny, he'll be on our side.

He'll help us.

- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...

- You are meddling with powers you do not understand.

Cut the sh*t.

Please be seated.

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