Ted 2 Page #8

Mr. Willer, has the jury

reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

Um, in the case of Ted v. the Commonwealth

of Massachusetts,

we the jury find

for the commonwealth...

in that Ted is not a person.

Very well. The plaintiff is hereby

legally deemed property.

The definition entails

the rights thereof,

and will be recognized

in the terms set...

by the Commonwealth

of Massachusetts.

The court wishes

to thank the jury for its service.

Are you sure

you can get him?

Remember, you're

on your own out there.

Hasbro can have

no connection to this.

Oh, I'll get him.

And when I have him,

I'll call you with the code phrase.

Do you remember what it is?

Yes, I remember it.

Should we say it just for safety?

No, that's not necessary.

Say it.

I don't wanna say...

I don't have to...

Just say it.

Fresh cakes.

Fresh cakes.

This isn't f***ing fair.

Teddy's a good man.

Why is he being treated differently

than everybody else?

It's what this country does best...

Putting different people

into little groups...

and making them watch Tyler Perry.

It's wrong!

- I'm so sorry, baby.

- No, I'm sorry.

I thought I'd built

a better case.

It's just, the reality is you have

a really shitty lawyer.

Hey, come on.

Nobody's blaming you for this.

You did everything you could.

I just... I'm sitting here,

and I can't believe it's official.

All right, so what

are we gonna do now?

I mean, we can't take this lying down, right?

We gotta do something.

You know what we're gonna do?

- We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

- Who's that?

He is the top

civil rights attorney in America.

Wait. Is he the one who got that

female midget into the marines?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that had a sad ending though. You remember?

She was at a Veterans Day parade,

somebody handed her a bunch of balloons and...

Pfft!

She's gone.

- It was very sad. Very sad for the family.

- You know what?

If anyone can get

this verdict overturned, it's him.

He's not cheap, but we've become

such a high-profile case,

I feel like he might

take it pro bono.

He's a sucker for media.

- Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh?

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hi. I'm calling

for Patrick Meighan.

This is Samantha Jackson.

I defended Ted Clubber Lang

in Ted v. Massachusetts.

- Hey!

- Hi. Mr. Meighan.

Thank you so much

for taking my call.

Oh, you've been following the case?

That's great.

Yeah, that's actually

why I'm calling.

Yeah, I was wondering...

if maybe you would consider

helping us try to overturn the verdict.

Well, yeah. It would have to be

a pro bono situation...

because we're not really working

with much money,

but I think

you'll be impressed with my client.

Oh!

Ha, ha, motherf***er!

Sure. Yeah, great.

Okay. Thank you so much.

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye.

Oh, my God!

He said he'll meet with us...

on Friday at 9:
00 AM

at his office in New York.

- Is he gonna take the case?

- I don't wanna jinx it, but I think so.

Oh, my God!

You hear that, Johnny?

I still got a shot!

- We got to celebrate.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Let's go down to the Improv and yell sad suggestions?

- F***, yeah!

So first we need a historical event.

Who's got an event?

- 9/11.

- Okay. Maybe something else.

All right,

let's start with a person.

Robin Williams.

Okay, all right, for real, guys.

For real.

Who's got a person?

Robin Williams on 9/11.

All right, we've heard

from these guys.

Let's maybe give somebody else

over here a chance.

How about a location?

Let's go with a location.

The offices

of Charlie Hebdo.

Okay, seriously, sir,

I just need a location.

- Ferguson, Missouri.

- Germanwings cockpit.

Okay, I heard "Starbucks."

No, you didn't.

Nobody said Starbucks.

All right, Starbucks.

Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks?

- Bill Cosby.

- You people are monsters.

We're giving you

the tools, buddy. Make some f***ing comedy.

All right.

We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

I love you so much, Teddy.

You go kick some ass, because

I am not taking off this wedding ring.

I love you too, baby.

I'll see you soon.

Where they at?

Where they at?

Where they at?

Where they at?

Where they at?

Where they at?

If you wanna somethin'

with a pie of meat

Just f*** your own brother

in the front seat

Oh, why can't you

just say please?

Hey! Must be the money

Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag

that says Arizona State?

Because that's

where I went to school.

- What, you went to Arizona State?

- Yeah, why?

Oh, man, that's why we lost the case.

Hello?

You're d*cks.

Arizona State.

Hey, how many times

you been f***ed on a houseboat?

Come on.

Did you write your dissertation

on the collected works of Red Bull?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I got an "A" on it.

So do you say

Arizona State University,

or do you just say HPVU?

This is perfect.

We're gonna get to the city before 10:00.

Hey, Sam,

how's your boring salad?

It's actually delicious.

Everybody always says that

about their salad.

They're all a bunch

of f***ing liars.

No, I love it.

It's really good.

Have some Cookie Crisp.

You need something nutritional.

Why do you think

I want your Cookie Crisp?

Hey, what's the deal here?

You guys ever gonna make out or what?

Teddy, come on, dude!

No, I'm just... I'm just saying.

You look like you're hitting it off,

you know?

Sam, you dig him, right?

Hey! Where the hell's my coffee?

I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

I'm so sorry, sir.

I forgot. I'll get it right away.

Jesus, you're a waitress,

you're not building rockets. Figure it out.

What a prick.

Hey, 20 bucks, I can toss a Cookie Crisp

into his ass crack.

Wait, let me try.

I used to pitch for the softball team

at Arizona State.

Oh, yeah?

Was your mascot a broken condom?

Shut up.

Who did that?

Jesus Christ.

You got to be kidding me!

Now we're a**holes.

Look what you did.

I swear to God,

I'll kick your goddamn ass!

Who was it?

Sir, I apologize for my five-year-old son.

I'm "sowwy." Sowwy, sir.

Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies.

I'm sowwy.

Under the circumstances,

I guess it's okay.

Oh, my God.

Now we're even bigger a**holes.

Go get my Cookie Crisp

out of his ass.

You guys making trouble

over here?

No, ma'am.

We're just minding our business.

Let's try to keep your boyfriend

under control here, yeah?

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

Oh. Good.

We'll just get the check.

Thanks.

Of course.

Oh, my God.

John, did you see that?

She was totally

giving you the f***-me eyes.

- No, she wasn't.

- She was giving you the f***-me eyes.

- What are the f***-me eyes?

- Some women just have f***-me eyes.

Do I have f***-me eyes?

No, you have "Give us the ring,

my precious" eyes.

We better get going.

We got two hours of driving left,

and I'm kind of beat.

We gotta be well-rested

for tomorrow.

Wait. I'll drive.

You can take a nap.

- You don't have a license.

- Who cares?

Johnny lets me drive every once

in a while when he's too hammered.

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