Ted 2 Page #9

I'm a f***ing pro! Besides,

I've been kicked around a lot this week.

I-I just...

I wanna feel useful, you know?

- Twenty minutes behind the wheel.

- Yay!

Ah, you can talk

about the pit

Barbecue

The band was jumpin',

the people too

Ah, mess around

They're doin'

the mess around

They're doin'

the mess around

Everybody doin'

the mess around

Let me have it there, boy

Now this band's gonna play

From 9:
00 to 1:00

Everybody here is gonna

have some fun

Doin' the mess around

They're doin'

the mess around

Everybody do the mess around

F***! Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

What the f***?

Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.

You wanna take over?

Hey, listen, Sam,

I'm-I'm real sorry.

That barn just came

out of nowhere.

No, no, it's my fault.

I should never have

let you drive.

Yeah. You were wrong.

You were wrong to do that. Yeah.

But that and the trial are the

only two things you f***ed up, so, uh...

Hey, I can't see sh*t in there.

We're gonna have to wait

till tomorrow to get the car out.

Uh, wait. Are we gonna

spend the night here?

Yeah, it'll be fine.

We just got to find some firewood.

What the hell?

Holy sh*t. Hey, Ted!

You know what this is?

It's Super Lemon Haze.

It's a really rare strain. It's a cross

between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze.

It's totally potent.

I've only had it once in my life,

and it was one of

the best highs I ever had.

What the hell is a leaf of this stuff

doing out in the middle of a...

Dear God!

Dear God in heaven.

It's so beautiful.

It's so beautiful.

No words.

No words.

They should've sent a poet.

They're moving in herds.

They do move in herds.

Please tell me that's not the only bong

you brought on this trip.

Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind

of an awkward position here.

- We wanna get high too.

- I don't have any papers or nothing.

Is this hilarious?

I got it at a bachelorette party.

It's so stupid.

Here, try it.

Uh, no.

Why? I don't wanna put

a big glass cock in my mouth.

You think this is big?

Johnny, you walked

right into that one, pal.

- This is all I brought.

- How about this?

I'm gonna go

check out the barn,

and see if I can find a soda can or

something for us to make a bong.

Yeah, see if you can make

a non-dick bong.

Yeah. Hey, you know,

that's the name of the South Korean president.

Right?

She gets... You get it.

- Right? Nah.

- What?

Okay, I'll be back.

Sorry.

No, I...

This is nice.

You know, I mean I always wanted

my ex-wife to get stoned with me...

and she never would, so...

Really? Wow.

That's the cornerstone

of any great marriage.

I agree.

So you think this Meighan guy

is gonna help us?

I mean, honestly,

I don't know. Um...

But we're going

to the right place.

Listen, I just really wanna thank

you for all you've done, all you're doing for us.

I know it's not making you rich.

Please.

There are more important things

in life than money.

Look, I don't know

what kind of mojo...

was in that wish you made

when you were a child,

but this bear is alive.

And it seems to me that once

the law devalues one kind of life,

how soon before

it devalues another?

Who gets subjugated

after the bear?

You're really smart,

you know that?

How come you don't have a guy?

Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston?

I'm supposed to date some pale,

blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket...

and a shamrock tattoo

on his calf?

Nope.

Yeah. That's...

That's so dumb.

I couldn't find any cans,

but I got to tell you,

there's some awesome sh*t in that barn.

Take a look at this. I found a

cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar.

- Be careful with that, huh?

- No, it's okay. It's not load...

And my f***ing nose came off.

Geez, I wonder

who this place belongs to.

Maybe we should find someplace else.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

If we get outta here by dawn,

we should be fine, right?

You play the guitar?

A little bit.

I learned when I was a kid.

Mean ol' moon

It must be fun

To shine upon me

As I come undone

Till I'm all alone

Beneath the sun

You mean ol' moon

With your beam

You led the way

And found me love

I thought was here to stay

Then you went

and took my love away

You mean ol' moon

Oh, you mean ol' stars

Above

The games

that you play with me

I could find some happiness

If all of my nights

were cloudy

Mean ol' moon

I hope it's true

You're takin' all the light

That's left in you

And saving it up

For you-know-who

You mean ol' moon

You mean ol' moon

Yes!

All right, you got it.

You got it!

Come on.

Put your legs into it.

- There you go! Nice job!

- Jesus.

So, listen, I got to ask.

Was it just kissing last night,

or was there finger stuff?

How far are we?

I'd say we're about an hour outside the city.

Fantastic. So I'm one hour away

from being a real person.

Hey!

Who the f*** are you?

This is private property!

Get the f*** out of the car!

Sh*t! Go, go, go!

Sh*t!

- Oh, God, I'm sorry! So sorry, pot!

- I'm sorry, pot!

- What are you doing?

- Saving the day!

There's the road!

That way! Go!

- You gotta move! They're right on our ass!

- I'm moving!

What the f***, man!

- What?

- Are you hard?

Yeah!

This sh*t makes me hard!

Whoa!

- Holy sh*t!

- Oh, my God! Are they okay?

They're fine. They look happy.

They're waving at us.

They're giving us the thumbs-up.

Man, we got a lot of pot in this car.

I wish we could smoke it.

We're gonna smoke it,

but just stuff it under the seat for now.

- We don't wanna go to jail.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, what the f***?

What are you doing?

Hashtag "My amazing summer."

Goddamn it!

What the hell's wrong with you?

I f***ing owe you,

you bastard.

What do you mean?

I was just messing around.

Shut up and suck that dick.

F*** you.

You high and mighty,

bright and shiny, fabulous place

New York

New York, New York

You busy, dizzy,

razzle-dazzle, scandalous place

New York

I love New York.

Yeah, there's no bullshit

with these people.

Yeah, you always know

who you're dealing with in New York.

Hello, Jews!

New York, New York

You busy, dizzy razzle-dazzle

Whoa! Watch it.

Jesus!

Watch where you're going!

It's a crosswalk, jackass.

We have the right of way. Yeah.

Whoa.

Hey, what the hell you doing walking

around dressed like Star Wars?

It's Comic Con, you idiot.

We're going to the Javits Center.

You're the idiots, 'cause you three

guys would never be walking together.

Yeah, you're his boss,

and you two guys are enemies.

Yeah, bite me,

Captain Kirk!

Whoa, whoa.

Hey! That's Star Trek.

- Yeah, that's two different franchises.

- Sorry, guys. She doesn't know.

Nah, it's okay.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

All right, let's go.

Oh, hey, come on.

It's not worth it, man.

It's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

This Patrick Meighan's

got a classy setup, huh?

Mmm.

And there is

our first impression.

Ms. Jackson?

Mr. Meighan will see you now.

Oh! Okay. Thank you.

Ah. Ms. Jackson.

Do come in.

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