Ted 2 Page #10

Mr. Meighan,

this is such an honor.

Thank you so much

for meeting with us.

Not at all.

It's my pleasure.

Please, sit down.

- This office is f***ing awesome.

- Yeah, totally.

Hey, hey.

You ever bring chicks up here?

What do you think?

I think I wanna sleep

on a bed made of your voice.

I'll get right down to it.

I don't want to waste

too much of your time.

Ted, I've been reviewing

your file.

And while I'm sympathetic

to your cause,

I'm sorry to say

I won't be taking your case.

What? Why?

Why not?

It comes down to this.

You want to be human

in the eyes of the law.

That's a hard sell,

even for me.

See, the important thing

about being human...

is making a contribution

to society.

Assisting in the betterment

of your race.

You've done none of that.

I've read about your life.

The drugs, the parties,

the prostitutes, the arrests.

Mr. Meighan, we've come

a long way to meet you...

because you said

that you could help us.

I said I would consider it.

And I have.

Ted, you're special.

You could've been

an inspiration to the world.

Could've been a leader,

a role model.

Instead you're...

Justin Bieber.

F*** you!

- Hey, Ted, come on.

- I'm sorry.

He doesn't mean that.

Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

There's just no indication...

that you've had any positive effect

on the world around you.

That's not true.

He's had a positive effect on me.

Would that positive effect

be your joint arrest...

for purchasing marijuana

in 2003?

How the f*** do you prepare

for a Foo Fighters concert?

You know why you lost this case?

It can't be argued by reason.

The precedent it sets

would affect the public directly.

And unfortunately,

the public doesn't judge by reason.

It judges by emotion,

and you can't appeal

an emotional conviction.

Nonetheless,

I wish you all the best in your efforts.

He needs help,

and from what I know about you,

at one point in your career,

that would've been enough.

I'm sorry you're not

who I hoped you'd be.

Are those Tootsie Rolls

just to take?

Those aren't supposed to be out.

So that's it.

I'm property.

No rights, no nothing.

Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man.

This completely sucks.

I feel terrible.

I let you guys down

all over again.

Hey.

You didn't let us down, Sam.

You did your best.

And, look, regardless

of all this sh*t,

you're still the best thing

that's happened to me in a long time.

Oh... Oh, that's great.

That's f***ing great.

I'm glad you guys are so happy!

- What?

- What do you mean, "What?"

I'm totally screwed here, and you're

sitting there basically banging my lawyer,

and she's probably

still f***ing billing us!

Don't yell at us, dude.

We didn't do anything.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Maybe if you guys had spent a little

less time mooning over each other...

Sam could've won this thing,

and I wouldn't be a f***ing thing,

like garbage or a piece of sh*t.

We've been fighting right

alongside you the whole way.

You're the one who's been

pushing me to get back on the horse.

I finally meet someone,

and you're giving me sh*t for it?

Oh, no. You're right.

No, Johnny, it's fine.

You're right, it's fine.

It's totally fine.

I got no job, no marriage

and no life!

But you have fun porking

Gollum here while I'm left with sh*t.

Ted!

Who's Gollum?

She's a model.

- Ted, come back.

- Leave me alone!

Ted!

Sh*t.

Whoa! Sorry, bro.

Hey, Ted!

- Guy?

- I thought that was you. What's happening, man?

Hey, Rick! It is Ted.

Hey, how you doing?

- Hey, what's going on?

- What are you doing here?

I just feel at home

among the outcasts.

What are you guys doing here?

Rick and I,

we just come here as a gag.

Dress up like we're into this sh*t

and f*** with the nerds.

Hey, spaz. Why don't you go

get me some Big League Chew?

How about that, huh?

Uh-huh. All right.

Well, good luck with your Dick, there.

Right on.

You too, man.

Oh, goddamn it!

That underwear had sh*t on it!

Yeah, I have a question

for David Hasselhoff. Yes, sir.

Did you find it difficult as an actor

playing opposite a car?

You know, that is

a very good question.

As an actor, you rely on subtle facial

changes and cues from your costars.

You don't get that with a car.

But after a while you get used to it.

It becomes the norm.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, yeah, excuse me.

I have a question.

Exactly how many beers did you have

before you got naked with that hamburger?

You know, buddy,

we all make mistakes.

That was a long time ago

and I'm a different guy now.

Can I just jump in here

for a second?

You're a real scumbag

for asking that question.

- What? It's a fair question.

- No, let me tell you

something about this man...

KITT, it's all right.

Just let it go.

No, I want him to hear this.

Let me tell you something.

After the show ended,

I got nothing but sh*t work.

I was playing snowplows,

tractors.

I was even cast as a lawn mower.

That was a real low point.

And this man

sitting next to me,

at this very low point in my life,

wrote me a check...

- Aw, come on, pal.

- No, no, I want everyone to hear this!

Because you are a good man,

David Hasselhoff.

You are a good man.

You saved me with your generosity.

You are the most...

Oh, God. I'm s... I'm so sorry.

I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional.

I just love you, buddy.

I just love you so much.

I love you so much.

Oh, God.

I love you too, pal.

I really do. I love you.

So, like, 25 beers or what?

- You piece of sh*t! Get out of here!

- Whoa, man! What the f***!

You are not fit to breathe

the same air as this man!

- KITT, he's not worth it!

- Get out of here!

What? He's a celebrity.

His personal life is our business.

Get the f*** out, you piece of dog sh*t!

I will run you down like roadkill!

- I don't have to take this sh*t from a f***ing Pontiac.

- Get out! Get the f*** out!

You're a psycho, dude.

Seriously. You're a psycho.

- Get some therapy.

- Get out!

Crazy son of a b*tch.

Jesus Christ.

Hey. Are you Ted?

Uh, yeah.

This is so exciting!

I was such a big fan of yours

in the early '90s.

Oh. Well, uh, thanks a lot.

What's your name?

I'm Raphael.

Hey, do you think I could

take a picture with you?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, no problem.

Great, great.

Here, follow me.

Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here?

You're a celebrity.

I just don't want you to get mobbed

when people recognize you.

Yeah, that's true. I've been

mistaken for an Ewok three times today.

All right, let's do this.

Holy sh*t! Donny!

It's so good to see you, Ted.

It's been some time, hasn't it?

What, you mean since

you ripped me in half?

That wasn't supposed to happen.

That was an accident.

I have some big plans

for you, Ted.

Very big plans.

I need you to come with me now.

Go to hell!

Nice lunch, spaz.

Hey! What the hell?

He could be anywhere.

We're not gonna find him.

We should just wait by the car.

What do you mean?

We have to find him.

He's a teddy bear on his own in

New York, for God's sakes.

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