Telling the Story of Us

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I don't know why.

I've always been big on happy endings.

To me, the most romantic,

beautiful love stories...

...were the ones where

two people meet, fall in love...

...then 50, 60 years later

one of them dies.

A few days after,

the other one dies...

...because they just can't live

without each other.

Not that that's such a happy ending.

You got two dead people.

That's how I thought things would be

for Katie and me.

Not that we'd be dead,

but that we would be together forever.

Now, High/Low.

Who wants to go first? Erin?

Okay, my high today is that I sat

next to Austin Butler at lunch.

-Nice.

-He has the three-legged dog?

Joel has the three-legged dog.

Austin has the snoring turtle.

And your low?

-Camp.

-What about camp?

I don't know.

You had such a good time last year.

-I know.

-What is it?

Are you afraid you'll lose touch

with Austin?

-I don't know.

-You can write to each other.

You can put X's and O's on there.

Guys love that, right?

Can't get enough of it.

Honey, you'll have a great time.

What about you?

What was your high today?

Gary Ellis' mom bought a new juicer...

...and I went to his house

and drank a chicken.

And your low?

I don't have a low.

You gotta have a low.

I've been racking my brain.

I do not have a low.

We'll enter the chicken smoothie

in the high and low category.

How about you, Mama?

I know. It's your anniversary.

What are you guys doing tomorrow?

-I'm taking her to a romantic dinner...

-Dad's taking me dancing.

...and possibly some dancing.

But you're right.

That is our high.

I'd love to stick around

for your low...

...but the Dodgers are playing the Giants.

-Can I go too?

-Go.

I really don't care what we do

tomorrow night.

Even if we're

at different restaurants.

Just as long as the kids see us leaving

together and coming home together.

On our first anniversary,

I gave Ben a plastic spoon.

You know, the takeout kind

from a Chinese restaurant?

It was the one we had used...

...when we shared our first bowl

of won ton soup in the park.

He was afraid he'd lost it...

...and I remember how

his face lit up...

...when he opened the jewelry box

I had wrapped it in.

I keep asking myself:

"When is that moment in a marriage...

...when a spoon becomes just a spoon?"

When I met Katie,

I wrote on a comedy show...

...and she had been hired as a temp.

I don't know. It's hard to explain.

There was an instant connection...

...this simpatico.

I felt like she just got me.

And there is no greater feeling

in this world than to feel gotten.

The loudest silences are the ones...

...filled with everything

that's been said...

...said wrong, said 300 times.

You're not hearing me.

You're so goddamn critical!

It's hard with two kids.

I don't need a third.

You're perfect, and I've done

nothing right in 15 years!

You're not listening!

You can't let go of anything!

You never listen!

You hold on to everything!

Why should you be responsible

for anything?!

You're critical of every

f***ing thing!

I take care of everything here.

-Fine!

-Fine!

-Fine!

-Fine!

Until fighting becomes the condition

rather than the exception.

And suddenly, it turns into

the language of the relationship...

...and your only option is

a silent retreat to neutral corners.

-Okay, are you a person?

-Yes.

Are you a man?

-That's debatable.

-Debatable?

-Do you have a mustache?

-A thick one.

-Aunt Rose.

-Right.

Good old Aunt "5:00 Shadow" Rose.

God, it's almost 9.

We're gonna miss the camp bus.

Now, that is what I call

a mobile home.

Can you get around it?

It's 5 to 9!

-They must change their zip code a lot.

-It happens as we speak.

Look. 91 604. 91 604.

-Pass it.

-Their mailman must go crazy.

The kids will miss their bus.

Up on the second floor!

Somebody's about to use the bathroom!

We're in the line of fire!

Would you just pass

the goddamn house?!

Look, the house is making a right.

When I was in college,

we had to write a term paper.

It was for some philosophy course

I was taking...

...on any book we considered...

...to be the one that best depicted

how we viewed the world.

I remember some people picking books

by the great thinkers...

...like Kierkegaard and Plato.

Some kids chose the Bible.

I did my paper on

Harold and the Purple Crayon.

It's a small book

about a little boy...

...who draws the world

the way he wants it to be...

...with his magic crayon.

And I just loved that book because...

...it was about everything

that I wasn't.

You wanna write crossword puzzles?

That's a job somebody wants to do?

And you'd get paid to do this?

So you know stuff like

Ra is the sun god.

And the symbol for radium

and the abbreviation for regular army.

Should I be impressed or terrified?

I find it soothing and reassuring...

...because you know

there are always answers.

Yeah, but not to the really

big questions like:

"Does God exist?"

"What is the meaning of life?"

"Why does my pee smell funny

when I eat asparagus?"

Aspartic acid, hence the name.

And this soothes you?

Yes, since you'll never find

the answers to the big questions...

...there's a comfort in finding

the answers to the little ones.

When you finish, there's this...

...wonderful sense

of closure, knowing...

...that that little world

on that half-page is complete.

You left yourself wide open.

Come to Papa!

But the problem in a marriage is...

...if one person is always Harold,

drawing the world the way they want...

...the other person has no choice

but to draw it the way it is.

Which is why they never wrote a book

about Harold's wife.

-They're leaving!

-They're not!

Grab your bags!

Wait! Wait!

Hold it!

Two more coming!

-Thank you, Marty.

-No problem.

I love you.

Have a great time.

-All right, kid.

-Bye, Dad.

-Take your sister's bag.

-Have a great time.

Love you.

-I love you.

-I love you.

If you need me for anything,

I'll be at the Oceana.

Anything comes up with the kids,

give me a call.

Of course.

Isn't this the moment

where one of us says:

"This is ridiculous.

We love each other.

All couples go through this.

Let's give it another try"?

My ass was on television this morning.

What are you telling us?

I'm telling you,

my ass was on TV.

That's right. That was that special.

"The Kennedy Center Salutes

I went to the doctor, he took a tube

with a little camera on it...

...stuck it up my ass and we

watched it on a monitor in his office.

-You had a sigmoidoscopy.

-Exactly.

That's different

than your ass being on TV.

-How?

-First of all...

...a network can't cancel your ass.

Point well taken.

What demographics

do you hope to knock down...

...with that big crack

winking at you?

We're in public. Can we

elevate the level of conversation?

-Fine with me.

-Good.

I jerked off to your secretary.

Do you mind?

-Why should I mind?

-I don't know.

I wanna forge ahead

with a clear conscience.

Pound away.

You're a good friend.

Larry wanted to have sex last night.

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