Telling the Story of Us Page #2

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He even gave me the 30-second massage.

You mean the "I really care

that you had a bad day" back rub...

...that stops just before you relax...

...then quickly heads south

towards the promised land?

So did you make love?

-I was too tired.

-How'd you get out of it?

I pretended to fall asleep

during the massage.

I did that heavy breathing thing.

So he thinks you're in deep REM?

But it backfired,

because when I really fell asleep...

...the baby started crying,

then Larry pretended he was asleep.

Fool! lf he had just gotten up

with the baby, you would've...

...opened the gates and welcomed

the troops home for Christmas.

In a heartbeat.

What's up with you and Charlene?

Oh, we had a great night last night.

And you still claim

you're not cheating?

I maintain that

with every fiber of my being.

On-line sex isn't cheating.

How do you figure?

It's 3 a.m., your wife and kids

are sleeping upstairs...

...and you're downstairs

f***ing some bimbo in cyberspace.

First of all, we're not f***ing.

We're typing.

Second, and this is me

taking umbrage...

...Charlene is not some bimbo.

She's a stockbroker named Ralph...

...pretending to be some bimbo

named Charlene.

Why piss on something so beautiful?

What'd I say?

It's not an affair.

Teresa never had sex with him.

They just kissed.

-A kiss is an affair.

-You think so?

Absolutely.

Once you establish anything

truly intimate with another person...

...even talking...

...it affects the person you're

the most intimate with.

But Teresa could f*** her husband,

she just couldn't kiss him.

I mean, really kiss him.

It's not so crazy.

Sometimes I'm so angry at Stan,

I could f*** him...

...but I don't want

that cow tongue near me.

A kiss can be so much more

intimate than sex.

Why is that?

Because f***ing means,

"Yeah, I love you." But a kiss....

A kiss means, "I like you."

That's so right.

I haven't made out, I mean,

really made out with Larry for years.

Doesn't that make you sad?

Not really.

Why?

I don't know.

Because it's inevitable.

It's the wear and tear of the job.

The diapers, the tantrums,

the homework.

The kingdom, species,

your mom, his mom.

Suddenly, all you're aware of is

the wet towels on the floor...

...he hogs the remote and

he scratches his back with a fork.

And you come face to face with

the truth that it's impossible...

...to kiss a person who leaves

the new roll of toilet paper...

...on top of the empty cardboard roll!

God forbid he takes the two seconds

to actually replace it!

Does he not see it?!

I'm telling you, marriage is

the Jack Kevorkian of romance.

Oh, God!

Jesus! Sh*t!

-He hit me!

-I didn't!

I was leaving the room,

she stood in my way.

-He did it on purpose.

-Guys, hold on!

Ben? What?!

Katie, you won't believe

what I'm standing in front of.

They're tearing down

our old apartment.

-What?

-See?!

Josh, did you hit her?

She started it!

I told her never to come in my room

without asking.

It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's.

There goes her window!

You borrowed her Discman

without asking?!

Yeah, but she was done with it.

She hasn't used the Discman

in two days!

Just hit Jack Roikman's place.

Remember his patriotic orgasms?

"God bless America! God bless America!

Land that I love!"

Can't you let him use yours?

No! He never lets me use it!

Ben, I can't talk right now.

This is where you and I started.

This is where we became an "us."

Just hit where we used to

measure the kids' heights.

Ben, I-- Josh, you shouldn't have

hit your sister. No TV for a week.

You're so unfair!

Wait until I tell Dad!

Jesus Christ! I gotta go!

Are you okay?

Goddamn it!

Fantasizing isn't cheating?

Oh, please! Who is getting hurt?

Yesterday, I met this

stunning blond woman...

...at the Beverly Center food court.

She had a little ring

in the bellybutton.

But you know what?

I forgave her because

it wasn't in her eyebrow or tongue.

Beautiful. We start chatting...

...and we strike up a conversation,

waiting for our turkey.

I'm telling you,

she's smiling, I'm smiling...

...and just that

...will do wonders for me when

I'm shaking hands with the sheriff.

I know exactly what

you're talking about.

-Am I wrong?

-No, you're right!

The other day, I told a joke

to this intriguing woman...

...that I met at the cleaners.

If this were the '30s,

she'd be a Communist...

...or at least

a Communist sympathizer.

But the point is, the way

she laughed at that joke...

...reminded me of how Rachel

used to laugh at my jokes.

You gonna follow up?

I could never do that.

I think the Ten Commandments were

probably a lot easier to stick to...

...when you dropped dead at 35.

I mean, we--

They should be amended.

A little amendment,

like the Constitution.

"Thou shalt not covet

thy neighbor's house, wife or ass.

But if you have to covet

your neighbor's wife's ass...

...don't do it

in thy neighbor's house."

A simple amendment, two-thirds

majority, slide through both Houses.

Seriously, name me one guy you know

who's never cheated on his wife.

I wasn't cheating!

I walk into your office,

and I hear you telling some Sara...

...intimate details about our

relationship, about our problems.

Obviously there's something going on

between you and her.

Nothing is going on between us!

We were just talking!

About us?! About our life?!

We were just talking!

That's not talking!

That's a relationship!

Why didn't you tell me about her

if there's nothing to hide?

I just needed somebody to talk to!

Bullshit! Why didn't you talk to me?!

Mommy, I need a drink of water!

I'll be right there!

You wanna know why

I don't talk to you?

You treat me like I'm a big pain

in the ass that gets in the way...

...of what otherwise would be

a normal, organized life!

Have you ever thought that

everything isn't always about you?

Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing

with 5000 things all day long!

Maybe every need you have

doesn't have to be met...

...at the exact moment

you need it to be met!

God, we have actual kids here, Ben.

I am not a third child!

I am not talking about having

each of my needs met!

I'm talking about a connection!

A look! Something that says

that we're on the same side here!

Why don't you talk

to your girlfriend?

I'm sure she can help us

get back on the same side.

To have a happy marriage is to accept

the chasm between men and women.

Which is?

He can mend a fight with sex.

She can't have sex

until the fight's resolved.

Why is that?

It's the difference between

the penis and the vagina.

A penis is a thruster,

a battering ram, if you will.

Even if it's mad, it can ram.

Sometimes it even helps.

It's the "mad-ram principle."

However, the vagina....

The vagina!

The vagina has to be relaxed

in order to open and receive.

It can't be a gracious hostess

in a state of anger.

That goes for blowj*bs

and kissing too.

Every female point of entry needs

to know that the penis is coming...

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