Ten Inch Hero

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PASH:

No, man...don't come in the morning,

I won't be here until two...

...'cause that's when the morning's swell

finally flattens out, you dig?

All right...just bring it on the back then.

Cool. Peace.

I'm not normal.

Clearly!

I need a job.

It's yours.

Hang on, Trucker. You said hiring

was a democratic process around here.

Yeah, that's the way I heard it.

Okay...all those in favor of hiring...

Piper.

...Piper, put your hands up.

Thank you, Jen.

Hey, what about an interview?

Oh, that's fine.

Okay, I...lemme think...

Elvis. Dead or alive?

Dead.

Andy Kauffman?

Dead.

Jerry Garcia?

Grateful. And dead.

Mariah Carey?

Are we talkin' about her acting career, or...?

No.

Okay. Then...alive..

Why did you come to Santa Cruz?

I...have family here.

Are you a virgin?

Mr. Julius!

No. But I used to be.

You're not a witch, by any chance?

Is that a job requirement?

Trucker's blazin' for the woman who runs the

crystal store across the street.

He thinks she's wiccan.

Yeah, they're soulmates, except she's

not exactly aware of that yet.

Okay everybody, time to vote.

Okay, time for a lil' homework.

Then can we go to the art store?

Everybody relax!

I'm here.

Oh, and so close to almost on time.

C'mon, if I was to start always on time,

you'd expect it everyday.

He works here?

Well...he's employed here.

What's up?

Don't pay attention to him.

Okay, today's topic of conversation: clueless men

and the women who use them for gratification.

Who are you?

Piper.

Piper...what are you doing here, Piper?

I...work here.

Why wasn't I notified?

I wasn't notified!

Hey, Priestly! We hired someone.

Thank you.

I swear, we need like a bulletin board or staff e-mail or somethin'...

You know, Priestly? Piper

thinks Elvis is dead.

Really?

And now you hire people who failed the interview?

C'mon, man!

I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...

But what? C'mon, Tish.

- It's just...

- There it comes!

- I don't really like sex.

- What?!

- How can you not like-

- I've never had a...

...you know?

Woo! Never?

Huh...well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy.

...my God...does that really work?

Every time.

Are you kiddin' me? It's man's greatest challenge.

Tish is the scorpion queen.

See ya tonite!

Well...'nother comrade used and discarded...huh, Tish?

You know, I gotta be honest with you, Tish,

I've never been really comfortable watching you doing that to men...

...when there it should be some sort of a warning sign posted...

If men are that easy to manipulate,

they deserve to be taken advantage of.

I'm easy to manipulate.

Why don't women take advantage of me?

I think we can all guess the answer to that.

Is that the crystal lady?

Oh yeah, that's Zo.

Zo...

Yeah, it's short for Zoheret.

It means "she shines" in hebrew.

You see? She knows things.

She seems nice, Trucker.

So, I'll...give you a call later?

Yeah, huh...sure.

Oh, look! She can still walk.

All right, let's hear it, what were his grades?

"A" for effort, "C" for execution.

Natural gift?

Didn't even register.

That bad, huh?

That bad, and...he knows it.

You know...did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter?

Yeah, sure, I told him.

You don't actually think guys believe that, do you?

Hey Piper, what's in that case?

Oh...that's just my art stuff.

Are you an artist?

Oh, that's cool! Do you paint, like, controversial sh*t?

Like, people pissin' on the Pope or somethin'?

- No!

- That's not even controversial anymore.

Then what the hell is it?

Well, that's like that, you know..."politically correct controversialism".

It've been done so often that they expect it, now...

Paint someone pissin' on Martin Luther King and see what happens..

Or...Martin Luther King pissin' on the Pope!

That's controversial.

Yeah...or, the Pope pissin' on Martin Luther King?

Or Martin Lawrence? That would really be-

Okay, guys...guys! I don't paint anyone pissin' on anyone. Sorry.

Yeah, no...it was just an idea, you know. I'm just sayin',

if I was an artist I would definetely be pissin' on somebody.

Hey,Trucker!

Right! Piper, why don't you decorate our wall for us?

- Really?

- Sure.

What...what should I paint?

It's yours. Go for it!

You don't have to paint anyone pissin' on anyone.

- I...I mean, unless you want to.

- Good morning.

This was in my mail by mistake.

Hi, Piper...nice to meet you.

Hi.

Wait wait wait wait...how...how did you know her name?

She just feels like "Piper".

Zo, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich?

The roast turkey is very good.

Thank you, but I don't eat anyhting that had a mother.

Oh! Okay, huh....

Eggs salad then?

Well...eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they?

I mean, I support the woman's right to choose,

...but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Right on!

Well, actually...since farmers don't keep roosters

the eggs aren't fertilized, so...

technically we're just eating a by-product of the hen's menstrual cycle.

Well, that's certainly appetizing!

A hen period salad, that's...lovely.

I think I'll just stick to the 6" tofurkey.

- 6" tofurkey.

- Comin' up!

Hmm...what's this?

Oh, I made a website for Trucker.

And there's our online order forms

so that people just e-mail me their orders

and then we have them ready at their backup time.

That's cool!

Yeah, and this way Jen's online in case Fuzzy checks in, right?

Who's Fuzzy?

He's just an online friend.

A guy.

Oh, I...hope he's a guy.

We agreed not to exchange any identifying information.

So basically he could be Charles Manson with a laptop?

Bingo!

No, Fuzzy is good.

His presence feels peaceful, don't you sense it?

Yeah, I sense something.

What? Maybe I do.

Just follow where your soul leads, Jen.

Thank you.

Bye, Trucker.

Bye.

Did I say anything stupid?

Doesn't it worry you?

I mean, you don't know anything about him

...or her...or even it!

You know, he's just somebody I can talk to.

And I know it's crazy, but...I feel really close to him.

Do you think he's your soulmate?

Would that be so bad?

No, but...

...what happens when "he" wants to meet?

Well, we've been e-knowing him for almost a year, and it hasn't come up.

A year?!

Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?

Everything else?

I mean, we talk about music, and books, the war in Irak...

...his dog, my cat...

You know, I just told him that I started working with a future famous artist.

Well, let's not get carried away...

It must be such a trick to look at the ocean and know you can draw it.

Are your parents artistic?

Yeah, my mom's really good.

So maybe you'll have a super-talented kid one day.

I already do.

I was 15.

I had....four younger brothers.

Got one of 'em who was still in diapers...

There was no way my mom was gonna let me keep her.

I never met the couple, but...

I spoke to the wife on the phone once.

She said their names were Lisa and Noah, and...

that they wanted to name her Julia.

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