Tenure

[Whoosh]

MAN:

Assistant Professor Thurber,

First, on behalf

of the tenure committee

And Grey College,

I would like to thank you

For your services

these past three years.

Thank you,

Dean Leakey.

CHARLIE:
12 years

teaching college.

Up for tenure again...

A job for life.

Before this, there was

Bowdoin and Union.

This may be

my last chance.

Friggin' Grey College.

Motherfuckin'

Grey College.

Hi.

Hi.

Dude!

Where you been?

Sorry.

I'm almost up.

I know.

What do you think?

Maybe... lose the shades?

My Oakleys?

No way, man.

Okay.

Nervous?

What do I have to be

nervous about?

It's only my entire

academic career

on the line.

Of course I'm nervous,

jack-off.

Steve Kim's been

in there two hours.

Really?

Okay, just remember what

I told you, all right?

Not the end

of the world

If you don't get this.

Yeah, well, if you

don't get tenure

At Grey College...

[Clears throat]

MAN:
All right,

good-bye.

Steve.

Steve.

Shake it off, okay?

Whew. I got a good

feeling about this.

You're a great teacher.

Professor Hadley?

The tenure committee

is waiting.

[Whispers]

Great teacher.

JAY:
Hi, everyone.

[Indistinct chatter]

CHARLIE:
Oh, hey, guys.

Where's Dr. Hadley?

You just missed him.

We made cookies

and everything.

Oh, that's nice.

May I?

[Clears throat]

Oh, yeah.

So, that's Bigfoot?

How can I just get

one vote?

One vote out of 12.

That's a joke.

I wonder who

voted for you.

I mean, I really thought

I had a chance.

Didn't you?

I thought you were a lock.

What has Steve Kim

ever done

For the anthropological

community?

Steve Kim... come on.

I mean,

I produced evidence

Of a genuine Sasquatch.

[Tape plays]

There! Look.

Right there.

Yeah.

You come over here

and tell me

That that is not

the hind leg

Of an Appalachian

Sasquatch. Seriously.

I just don't see

anything, Jay.

I'm sorry.

What?!

It's right here, man!

That looks like

a tree.

It's not a f***in'

tree, Charlie!

Come on!

It's Bigfoot!

[Sighs]

I saw him.

I was there.

I'm the guy

runnin' the camera.

It's right here.

Sasquatch weather, man.

Look for tracks.

Where are we going?

Relax, man.

It's my party,

remember?

I just thought

it was gonna more

of an indoor thing.

Dude.

Roll with it, okay?

Sorry.

I just got dealt

a hammer blow to the nuts.

I know, I know.

Besides, it's not like

you got anybody

Waiting up for you.

Why did you have

to say that?

Just tell me where

we're going, Jay.

Dean Leakey's.

Why?

Come on!

CHARLIE:

It is with great pride

That I look back on

the last three years

at Grey College.

I strongly believe

that I deserve tenure,

And through this

personal statement,

I hope the committee

will get to know me

A little better...

My accomplishments,

My dreams, and my myriad

contributions

To the academic community

at Grey College.

Huh?

"Myriad contributions"?

Okay, we're gonna start

a new novel this week.

It's called The Magus,

By an English writer

named John Fowles.

Anybody heard of

The Magus?

No? Well, some people...

Smart people...

Think it's one of the best

novels ever written.

Then how come we've

never heard of it?

I... I don't know, Robin,

But if you all would like

to read the same books

That every other college kid

in America is reading,

We can do that.

Let's see, uh...

Catcher in the Rye.

Yeah, let's examine why

"F*** you" is written

Is written on

the bathroom wall... again.

No, look,

I pick the books I read

Back when I was like you...

Misguided, morose...

You're still morose.

Anyhow, The Magus.

You all might not

have heard of it,

But it changed my life.

It has a little bit

of everything.

It has love,

And exotic locales.

It even has

a little bit of sex.

Ooh, Stan's

gonna like it.

Shut up, Ben.

Yeah, Ben,

take it easy, okay?

Excuse me.

That's Professor Hadley.

[Whispering] Dude,

we hit the wrong pad.

Excuse me.

I'm in the middle of

a class here, dude.

What do you mean,

we hit the wrong pad?

I guess our recon

was off.

Our recon?

All right, mine.

I just feel bad.

Dean Leakey's

next-door neighbor

Never did

anything to us.

Dean Leakey's

next-door neighbor?

Yeah, man.

He's in a wheelchair.

Jesus, Jay!

Yeah. Veteran.

Hero. Purple Heart.

I gotta talk

to you later.

All right.

Professor Thurber?

Hey, Stan.

What's up?

We need a new

faculty adviser

For the poetry club.

I'm president.

Wow.

Well, what happened

to the old adviser?

He died.

Oh, yeah... Dr. Churchill.

Sorry, I...

Wasn't that last year,

though?

We never got a new one.

Well, Stan...

Look, I gotta be

honest with you.

I've never been

a huge poetry guy.

So, I think

the best thing to do

Would be for me

to take a pass on it,

Just in fairness to you

and to the club.

Okay?

Thank you.

Thanks, man. Okay.

Son of a b*tch.

F***in' kids.

[Beep]

Charlie, it's Margaret.

Remember me... your sister?

Dad told me that

he hasn't seen you

In almost two weeks.

The reason we put him

in that facility

Was because

it was close to you.

I'm not gonna bring up

the whole money thing,

Charlie,

But you said this was

the only way that

you could contribute.

You promised you'd visit him

at least once a week.

So do it, Charlie!

Oh, and I almost forgot

the best part.

I got a call from

a lady over there

Who claims that Dad's been

making prank phone calls

To PBS telethons

or something.

She said he's lonely

and he just wants to talk,

So... I don't know.

It's nothing weird.

I mean, yes, it is.

It is f***ing weird.

But it's not perverted,

thank God.

So you need to talk

to him about that.

God, do you have

a cell phone yet?

[Beep]

[Moaning]

[Thudding]

Hey, Dad?

Dad, you in there?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad!

Huh?

Huh?

This place is

chock full of widows.

Like Sue in there.

She's Canadian.

Did you ever make love to

a native French speaker?

Dad, can we please talk

about something else?

Sure we can.

Sure we can...

Whatever you want.

I so treasure these

monthly visits, Charlie.

Well, Margaret called,

and...

She said you didn't

sound so good.

Well, how do you feel?

I feel fine.

Okay.

Fine as I can feel

in this goddamn place.

It's not so bad.

Oh, what the hell do you

know about anything?

When I was your age,

I was a tenured

professor of English

At Princeton University.

Really?

I didn't know that.

Don't get smart

with me.

[Sighs] You should be

further along.

So... what about tenure?

Come on, Dad.

We've been through this.

I'm on the fast track

at Grey,

And I find out

in May, so...

[Clears throat]

Well, you were on

the fast track

at Bowdoin, too.

It's gonna happen.

Christ, I'd hate

to see the slow track.

It's gonna happen.

Let's take some ecstasy.

What?

Let's take some ecstasy.

I bought it off this kid

in my Anthro 101.

Jay, that is idiotic.

You could get fired

for that.

That's just rude, man.

You know what I meant.

Come on. I heard about

this cool student party

Way off campus.

You're still a member

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