Tenure Page #2

of the faculty.

And so am I.

Dude, just

drop me off, then.

I don't have a car.

I'm sorry, man.

I've got to work

on my article

And my personal

statement.

That's cool.

I'll just hang here.

With you.

No, don't. I mean it.

I don't think

you should...

Mmm.

Jesus.

CHARLIE:

You sure this is it?

JAY:
Yeah, they said

it was in the backyard,

In the woods and sh*t.

Outside? I don't even

have my jacket.

I'm not cold at all.

F***, I think

it's starting to work.

Touch my face.

No.

It's unbelievable.

Touch my face.

Come on.

Whew!

Take it easy.

Come on, touch it.

[ Rock music playing]

Professor Thurber?

Hey, Robin,

how you doing?

Good.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Nothin'. Just kind of

checking in.

I'm gonna head

to the woods.

Shouldn't you be at home,

doing your reading?

It's Friday.

Right, sorry.

Excuse me.

Besides, I already

finished The Magus.

Wow, that was quick.

So, what'd you think?

Uh... it had

a lot of sex in it.

Really? Did you...

You thought that?

I mean,

it's not all sex.

I think that

there are, you know,

Larger themes at work.

I really like your class.

Thank you, Robin.

It's, like, the best class

I have at Grey.

It's a great group

of kids.

Except Ben.

[Laughs]

Do you think I'm fat?

Of course not.

Why... Why would you

say that?

This guy...

This a**hole...

Look, Robin...

Heh.

You're a very...

Attractive girl.

All right?

So don't let anybody

tell you otherwise.

Okay?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Um, no.

Not right now.

Don't you get lonely?

I... Yeah, sure I do.

I mean, just like

everybody...

So do I.

Yeah.

Well...

I should go find

Professor Hadley.

But it was great

talking to you.

And, uh,

I'll see you Monday.

Hi, Stan.

How you doing?

Can you drive me home?

Nope, gotta go.

Jay!

Jay!

Come on, man!

JAY:
Up here, man.

Jay?

JAY:
Up here, man!

Come on up, man.

It's unreal.

JAY:
I've spent days

up in trees...

Waiting for Bigfoot.

That's great, Jay.

Should we

head home now?

What do you think?

It's about the passion,

you know?

Yes. Passion.

You think Steve Kim

ever spent four days

in a tree?

Probably not, no.

And he got tenure.

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's messed up.

Passion isn't enough

anymore.

That's what's

messed up.

It's not about

the classroom.

It's not about

the kids.

What do you think

my chances are?

For tenure?

Yeah.

Dude, you're running

unopposed.

I haven't published

anything in over a year.

Can we focus

on my sh*t-storm here?

Yeah. Sorry.

I'm 42 years old.

I'm sitting in a tree.

You seem so sober now.

What happened to

"touch my face"?

I'm pretty sure it was

just dyed aspirin.

Placebo, man.

I'll tell you one thing...

That sh*t-stack

just flunked Anthro 101.

Guarantee it.

WOMAN:
Mr. Thurber,

may I have a word?

Professor Slocumb,

how are you?

Myself and the rest of

the female faculty

Would very much

appreciate it

If you would please

lift the toilet seat

When you urinate in

the faculty restroom.

What are you

talking about?

I always do.

So, are you telling me

That the puddle of urine

I just sat in

Was not yours?

Yeah. I mean, no.

It, uh...

It wasn't mine.

It wasn't my urine.

I watched you

leave the bathroom.

I swear,

I put the seat up.

Maybe...

Maybe when

I flushed it,

You know, maybe

it sprayed up.

No, no.

It was urine.

And it looked to me

like you aimed directly

At the toilet seat...

And just pissed...

Willy-nilly...

Without a care

in the world.

I don't piss

willy-nilly, all right?

I'm fairly accurate,

And I always

put the seat up.

Don't let it happen

again, Thurber.

Hey. I didn't do it.

Way to go, fire hose.

A pledge of $50 is

all we're asking for.

Show us your support

And call the number

on your screen.

[Dialing]

[Ringing]

WOMAN:
Thank you

for contributing to

public television.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, hi.

Hi. Are you interested

in contributing

To public television?

Not really, no.

Well, sir, this is

a pledge drive.

What are you wearing?

I'm sorry, sir.

Please don't call again

Unless you want

to contribute

to public television.

I'm sorry.

It's just, uh...

My father, uh...

He's been calling

telethons

And just talking

to people,

Complete strangers.

And I, uh...

Just wanted to see

what that was like.

That's really weird.

Yeah.

What's your name?

Beth.

Jesus.

Oh, Charlie. Welcome.

Come in.

Oh, thank you.

Just, uh,

put your coat in there.

[ Piano music playing]

[Indistinct chatter]

Uh, what's Steve Kim

doing here?

He's Anthropology.

What's...

Hi.

MAN:
Hey, Charlie.

Oh, Charlie?

If you have to use

the bathroom tonight,

Would you please remember

to lift the seat?

[All laughing]

What if I gotta

take a sh*t, though?

[Clinking glass]

Congratulations

on a wonderful beginning

To the spring semester.

Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

No, no, keep those

glasses raised.

Before we go

into spring break,

I want to share with you all

a little secret

That Professor Slocumb

and I have been keeping

from you.

We have decided

To hire another tenure track

assistant professor

In the English Department.

Her name is Elaine Grasso.

She comes to us directly

from Yale University,

Where she received her Ph.D.

in English Literature,

And has been teaching

for three years.

[Whispering]

Oh, f***.

Believe me, we are

very lucky to get her.

I hope you will all

welcome her with open arms...

And open minds.

Now, enjoy the evening

And enjoy

your spring break.

Cheers.

ALL:
Hear, hear.

Oh!

Charlie!

This is an antique!

Sorry, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

[Moans]

CHARLIE:
Yeah,

now it's coming out.

[Car door closes]

[Phone ringing]

STAN:
Hello?

CHARLIE:

Stan. Hey.

It's Professor Thurber.

Professor Thurber?

Sorry to be calling

so late.

I was asleep.

I've actually given

some more thought

To what we talked about,

and, uh...

I'd love to new

faculty adviser

To the poetry club.

You're too late.

Professor Grasso...

The new professor...

She's gonna do it.

Really?

Professor Grasso?

She's really nice.

I mean, she hasn't

even started yet.

She's very attractive

and seems very smart.

Stan...

I think she's

from Yale.

What do you say we start

a new poetry club...

An alternate

poetry club?

Anything

you want, man.

That sounds like

it could be fun.

Great. Great.

Can you meet in my office

in the morning?

Yeah.

Okay.

Good-bye.

You said it could be

anything I wanted.

Yeah. But, Stan...

erotic poetry?

I guess I just never

had you pegged for it,

you know?

Just how erotic

are we talking here?

Pretty erotic.

Graphic descriptions

and whatnot?

I can give you

an example.

Okay. Shoot.

This one's called

Stroker Poker.

Stroker Poker.

"Cock. Balls.

"My stroke machine

"Roars down

the lustful highway.

"Cock. Balls.

"Stroke lust.

"My f*** machine's

engines are roaring.

"They're soaring.

Stan. Stan!

"Stroking..."

"Stroke..."

Professor Thurber.

Yeah, hi.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

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