Tenure Page #3

I wanted to introduce you

To Professor Elaine Grasso.

Oh.

Hi there.

Hi.

Really nice

to meet you.

I hear you're gonna

be starting up soon.

Yes, yes.

I'm very excited.

I've heard a lot of

wonderful things about you.

Oh, likewise. Likewise.

I, uh... I was just

helping Stanley here

With the new poetry club

we've started up.

Fascinating stuff.

I'm the, uh,

faculty adviser.

Well, that sounded...

Very creative, Stan.

I forgot that you guys

knew each other already.

Well, I met with Stan

And some of

the other students

For a little

pre-semester poetry club

get-to-know-you.

I mean...

the other poetry club.

Wow. Oh,

that's fantastic.

Pre-semester, huh?

Huh, that's swell.

That's great preparation

on your part.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Gosh, it was

nice to meet you.

I should get

back to work.

I guess I'll be

seeing you around?

I look forward to it.

Um... bye, Stan.

STAN:
Good-bye.

CHARLIE:

Thanks for stopping by.

"My cock is locked

and loaded!"

Hold.

Okay, just give me

a minute.

JAY:
It's nice

of you guys

To include me

on your spring break.

Hey, man, I heard

about Elaine Grasso.

Who's Elaine Grasso?

Nobody. Just a girl.

A new assistant professor

in the English Department.

They just hired

from Yale.

A looker, too.

Tenure track?

JAY:
Uh-huh.

DAD:
Well, that's just dandy,

isn't it, Charlie?

[Woman talking]

JAY:
Dude...

that's your sister?

Come on, time's up.

We're not playing

timed turns.

DAD:
The hell we're not.

Put 'em down.

"Chug"?

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

For Christ's sake, Charlie,

you're an English professor.

That's a word.

Maybe if I'd had

more time...

"Chug" won't

get you tenure.

I'll bet

that new girl...

The Yaley...

Grasso.

Professor Grasso.

Right. Grasso.

I'll bet you she knows

some two-syllable words.

"Quixotic"?

Dude, that's,

like, 1,000 points.

Damn right,

Sasquatch.

And they say

I have Alzheimer's.

Where's he going?

Who the f*** knows?

He's pretty cute.

Jay?!

Yeah, man?

No. Sorry.

I wasn't

talking to you.

It's okay.

That's cool.

Ah!

[Laughs]

We need to talk.

About what?

What do you think?

About Dad.

More specifically...

About how much money

his care is costing me.

Oh, God.

It's not right.

You're not even

visiting him regularly.

I visit him. I've

missed once or twice.

It's no biggie.

Yes, it is.

It is a biggie.

He needs to be able to

count on us. He's sick.

He's fine! He just

won at Scrabble.

Okay, well,

I need a budget.

And it wouldn't kill you

to spend $1,000 a month.

And more, when you

get your tenure.

JAY [shouts]:
Somebody get

my video camera!

Huh?

[Phone ringing]

BETH:
Hello?

Beth?

Yeah? Who's this?

Hi, it's Charlie,

from the telethon.

You gave me your

number, remember?

Um... why are you

calling?

Well, you said

that I could call

after pledge week.

I just wanted

to talk.

It's 2am, Charlie.

I'm sorry. I just...

I thought...

This is really weird.

Please don't call me

anymore.

Okay. Um...

I am sorry.

[Sighs] Whatever.

Good night.

[Beth hangs up]

[Shouting indistinctly]

Yeah! All right!

At least Steve Kim was...

A pretty run-of-the-mill

Korean guy.

I mean, he's a sharp

dresser and all...

I don't think

she's that hot.

Well, that's good, man.

Because as of today,

she's your mortal enemy.

CHARLIE:
She's not my

mortal enemy, buddy.

Not me.

She's your Steve Kim.

Only hot.

I'm doing everything

I can do, right?

I've started this new

poetry club with Stan.

I'm pretty sure

my article's gonna be

published this semester.

I've taught damn near

every class you can teach

In the department.

I think I'm in pretty

good shape. Aren't I?

Do you pee sitting down?

Yeah, occasionally,

at night. Why?

Don't admit that.

Look, I played

by the rules,

And you saw what

happened to me.

It's time

for politics, man.

The dirtier, the better.

Why can't I just teach

my damn classes?

That's not how it works.

You gotta get creative.

I mean, look at her.

She's not even sitting

On the right side

of the bleachers.

CHARLIE:
Yeah.

Catch my drift?

No.

Wrong side

of the bleachers.

Oh, yeah. Like, uh...

Poor school spirit?

Exactly.

School spirit

is a solid angle, man.

You deserve tenure.

That's your spot,

not hers.

School spirit.

[Laughing]

Good Lord.

Charlie, what are

you wearing?

Oh. Yeah. Hi.

Oh, I see.

Elaine was

just telling me

She is going

to be published

In the next issue

of the August Journal.

Isn't that fantastic?

That's really great.

It's wonderful.

No, it's not

such a big deal.

On the contrary, Elaine,

it is a big deal.

The August Journal

is the cream of the crop.

Yes. Congratulations.

Good job.

Oh, say, Elaine, I was

gonna mention to you

That, uh... I couldn't

help but notice,

At the basketball game

yesterday,

You were sitting on

the opposing team's

side of the court.

Oh.

I didn't even know.

I just wanted

to watch the game.

No biggie.

I don't know how they

do things over at Yale,

But around here,

We're pretty big

on school spirit.

Okay. Go Whales!

Right? Ha ha!

What I'm saying, Ben,

I just don't think

your story's as smart

as you are.

I don't think

there is enough

Of who you are

as a person in it.

So, you're saying

it sucks, right?

No, that's not what

I'm saying at all.

I just think

it could be great

If there was more,

you know, Ben in it.

You've written a story here

that's about a hockey player.

That's not you.

Well, what would

you write about?

Uh...

I'd write a story

about a, uh...

A teacher whose life

is in a shambles,

Just a kind of

slow-moving disaster.

He's mid-thirties,

Still sleeping on a futon.

[Chuckling]

The point is,

it'd be terrible.

But I'm not a good writer.

You are. You all are.

That's what I'm trying

to tell you guys.

Maybe the teacher

in your story

Just needs somebody

to help him...

You know,

to organize himself.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

Look, you all want

to be writers.

You're really gonna have to

try and look inside yourselves

And examine who you are.

Otherwise,

it's a waste of time.

You know,

take Stan, for instance.

He's been working on,

uh...

Well, sex poems.

[Laughter]

Look, it's not a joke.

It takes courage to do that.

That's what I'm trying

to say to you guys.

You're gonna have

to take a chance

to do something good.

But what if writing

what you really want

would get you in trouble?

Guys, look...

I told you...

For this class,

I don't want there

to be any rules.

I don't care what

the other teachers tell you.

I just want you

to be yourselves. Okay?

Write about what you know.

Okay.

Don't... Don't worry.

It's not a test.

Teacher evaluation form.

Just take a look at it.

Fill it out for me, please.

STAN:
What's it for?

It's standard

for assistant professors

Up for tenure.

I go up for review

next month.

[Knock on door]

I'm here to collect

the evaluations.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Any progress on

publishing your article?

No, not yet.

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