Tenure Page #4

Is this gonna be

a problem?

No. I, uh...

I mean...

Well, what do you mean?

What do I... Charlie,

I'm the head of

the department.

This reflects

on all of us.

I know. I just...

I've been rewriting

it again, and...

Good. You're up

for tenure.

You have to

publish something.

Whew. I...

I am not charmed

by you, Thurber.

JAY:
It's called

survival, Charlie...

CHARLIE:

Letting the air out of

a colleague's tires?

Don't get so technical.

She'd do the same thing

to you.

[Whistling]

[Bird call]

[Air hissing]

[Starts engine]

Dude, floor it.

Floor it!

Go!

Floor it!

Hey, what do you know

about herbal sexual

enhancement?

It's just that Maggie

says you're short on cash,

And I may have come

into something really good.

Maggie?

Your sister.

You call her Maggie?

So, you two talk?

Yeah, all the time.

You know, since the trip.

It's just that I know

she's puttin' the screws

to you for cash.

Can we just not talk

About my family

situation here?

Look, I just want to let

you in on the ground floor.

If you wait too long,

This thing's

gonna blow up.

It's FDA-approved

and everything.

I appreciate that, Jay.

I really do.

But I've got

to go home right now

And bake a motherfucking

double batch of brownies

For the faculty meeting

tomorrow morning.

So I kind of got

my hands full.

Mmm!

Wonderful brownies,

Charlie.

Just wonderful.

Thank you.

Professor?

Oh, thank you, Charlie.

Oh. Good morning.

Don't mind if I do.

I guess Miss Grasso

is not gonna join us

this morning.

Very well.

Let's begin.

All I can say is that

I was so impressed.

I mean, the talent

and the intellect...

So sorry I'm late.

I had a flat tire

this morning.

It was completely

out of the blue.

Sorry.

Very well.

Charlie

has volunteered

To act as secretary

in your absence.

Where were we,

Charlie?

Professor Slocumb

was just telling us

About our

Canterbury Tales

themed Caribbean cruise.

LEAKEY:
Right. Hannah?

SLOCUMB:
Yes,

it was absolutely wonderful.

The captain spoke

flawless Old English.

[ Country music playing]

All join hands.

Bring it to the center.

And take it back home.

Take it back home.

You should go

out there, Dad,

have some fun.

I'd rather

saw off my prick

With a plastic knife.

[Chuckles]

What's the good

of this place

If you don't

participate in anything?

Exactly.

You hate it

that much?

I don't know

why I'm here.

Dad, you know,

you disappeared

For three days

last year.

We thought

you were dead.

That's your sister

talking.

We can't leave you

alone anymore.

Heh.

You think I'm not alone?

In chapter one

of the assigned reading,

We meet the protagonist.

And... ahem...

The themes are

very clearly established.

Does any one know

What the theme of

Crime and Punishment is?

[Elaine clears throat]

Oh. Hello,

Professor Thurber.

Hi. Excuse me.

I just need to borrow

Your overhead projector

for just a moment.

Sure.

I'll be right

out of here.

Excuse me.

Great book.

One of my favorites.

Wow. Usually I can't

shut these punks up.

[Class chuckling]

Blair, did you even

do the reading?

Yes.

This is like

pulling teeth.

I don't know

how you do it.

And, so,

what did you think

of Raskolnikov?

I mean, he's a poor

student, like you,

Minus the laptop.

What'd you think

of him?

Well...

I felt sorry for him,

I guess.

Why, Blair?

'Cause his life

sucks so bad.

You get the feeling

something really awful

is about to happen.

Which is cool, I guess.

I wish I was

in this class.

I'll have this back

by tomorrow morning.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[Knocks]

Check this out.

You are not

gonna believe it.

Jay, what is this?

I've got her under

24-hour surveillance.

It's amazing. I found

this perfect vantage point

in her backyard...

Oak tree, I think.

Maybe a maple.

Strong branches.

All right,

turn it off.

What? This is

the best part.

Jesus.

F***, man, this is...

What is this possibly

gonna get us?

Surveillance, man.

You never know.

It's illegal, Jay.

Says who?

Says the police.

The law, Jay.

I just thought...

Listen...

You can't do things

like that.

You're supposed

to be helping me.

Listen...

Jay, I know your heart

is in the right place.

I do.

But you gotta

promise me

That you're not

gonna do anything

like that again.

Please?

I won't.

I promise.

Do you have a minute?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, come on in.

Have a seat.

I just wanted

to thank you

For the other day.

I know we're

in competition

with each other,

But that was

really nice of you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No problem.

I, uh...

The kids, they can be

a little weird

Around new teachers.

Yeah. I'm not so sure

it's them.

Anyway, I was wondering

If you had any advice...

You know,

for the new kid.

Uh... gosh, I...

I think some of

the best advice

I got about teaching

Was just to try to not

act like a teacher.

Just try to be yourself.

Yeah, I think that might

be the problem.

I am being myself.

How do you mean?

Dude!

I've been lookin'

all over for you.

We've got

the Bigfoot Club.

The kids are waiting.

You know, we can

do this another time.

I'm sorry.

No, that's fine.

We're searching

for Sasquatch.

Oh. Great.

Well, good luck.

Yeah.

Dude, I told you to page me

if you were under attack.

I wasn't under attack.

I was trying to converse

with a colleague.

I was just trying

to talk to Elaine.

Don't let Elaine

sweet-talk you.

It's time to be strong...

Or it's all over.

Pack your bags

for Turdville State.

Come on.

Where are we going?

I told you...

Bigfoot Club.

That was for real?

Well, I'm not a member,

am I? So I...

Probationary.

But the guys dig you.

Plus, you got a car.

Come on.

[Sighs]

Leakey's gonna be pissed

When I'm on the cover of

National Geographic.

Oh, yeah.

You'll be

an American hero,

And he'll still be riding

his stupid fold-up bike

Around Grey College.

Does that thing

fold up?

That's actually

kind of sweet.

I don't know. Maybe.

BOY [shouts]:
Dr. Hadley!

Get the calipers!

Calipers.

Remember...

If we make contact,

Don't show your teeth.

Never bare your teeth!

Come on!

This is what

you signed up for!

Remind me

to email that photo

To Steve Kim,

will you?

Okay. "Email

Professor Kim."

CHARLIE:
Do you think

it's real?

You're f***in'-A right

it's real.

The only problem is...

I forgot to bring

my plaster casting

gear with me.

The West Coasters

are gonna call bullshit

On the whole thing.

F***ing snobs.

That's bullshit!

Take it easy, guys.

It's all part of

the yeti game.

What about the photos?

Those work, right?

Anybody can pull a hoax

with Photoshop these days.

This is bull-crap.

This is solid

progress, guys.

Don't let it

get you down.

Go back to campus,

get my plaster gear...

What if it rains?

We'll lose the print!

Cool down, dudes!

Easy. It's okay.

One thing's for sure...

That son of a b*tch

is out there somewhere.

[Thunder]

[Beep]

MARGARET:

Did you ever talk to Dad

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