Tenure Page #5

about the telethons?

You didn't, did you?

They called me again,

Charlie.

[Beep]

JAY:

Faculty lounge, noon.

I've got a winner.

[Beep]

Hmm!

That's funny.

I thought I left a Coke

in here yesterday.

Hmm. Oh, Elaine?

Did you get that Coke

out of the refrigerator?

No.

I brought this one

from home. Why?

No reason. I left a Coke

in the fridge yesterday,

And now it's gone.

Well,

this one's mine.

I'm sure of it.

Oh. Well, I always put

a little sticker on mine

With my name on it.

So, I guess

we could find out.

Do you mind?

Heh.

Satisfied?

I would be...

Except I put the sticker

on the bottom of the can.

That can't...

That can't be.

I brought this one

from home.

JAY:
I'm not gonna make

a big deal out of it.

ELAINE:
It's warm.

It's not from

the refrigerator.

JAY:
Do me a favor.

Just buy your own Coke

from now on.

STAN:
"My f*** machine's

engines are roaring",

"They're soaring!

Stroking and stroking

my balls..."

[Door opens]

Is this

the Erotic Poetry Club?

Uh, yeah. Hi, Robin.

It is, but we're actually

just wrapping things up.

Weren't we, Stan?

No. We just started.

You should join.

I don't think we're actually

taking new members

this semester. Sorry.

Yes, we are.

Yes, we are.

ROBIN:
Um, so...

What are you guys...

do here?

Well, um...

Stan kind of teaches me

the ways of the world,

And I try

and soak it all in.

That's not true.

It is, Stan.

Don't sell yourself short.

Remember what I told you?

ROBIN:

I wrote a poem.

It's called

Teacher's Pet.

Read it. Read it.

Whoa. Robin,

do me a favor...

Wait on that, okay?

Stan, do you have something

you could read first?

No.

It's just that there's

kind of a hierarchy

In the Erotic Poetry Club.

And generally, as a rule,

We don't allow our

newer members to read

On their first day.

There's never been

a new member.

And I'm president,

So I can overrule you.

Read it.

ROBIN:
Okay.

"I want to be

the teacher's pet."

"The thought of it

makes me..."

Okay!

I gotta get going.

You guys take it

from here.

No! Let her finish.

Sit down. Sit down.

ROBIN:
"I want to be

the teacher's pet."

"The thought of it

makes me..."

"Sad."

"Because I know

it's not to be."

"I'm not for him..."

"And he's not for me."

That wasn't very erotic.

Was it?

Hey.

Hi.

Don't worry, okay?

It gets better.

I'm not so sure.

You want to take a walk

or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Okay.

I'm a terrible

teacher.

Oh, come on.

No.

You're just having

a tough time adjusting.

It gets easier.

No, no.

I was at Yale

for three years.

Same thing...

I never adjusted.

Well, they can

smell fear, the kids.

I know.

Yeah.

Can I tell you

a secret?

Sure.

Yale was going

to fire me.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

That's why I'm here.

I know Dean Leakey

paints a rosier picture,

But that's the truth.

I just couldn't cut it.

I just freeze up,

you know?

I prepare, I plan,

I write everything down.

I know...

I know all the material

backwards and forwards.

But it just never fails.

Every time I get

in front of the class,

I freeze up.

I don't know

what to do.

Well, I mean,

maybe you should try

To not prepare

so much.

Don't write

everything down.

Don't plan so much.

Just try to wing it

and see what happens.

Ha ha!

No, I think

you'd be surprised

by how well you do.

That's completely

terrifying.

The fear part

goes away

Once you get

the hang of it.

I don't know.

Well, just remember...

You're the smartest

person in the room.

Hell, you're probably

the smartest person

At Grey College.

Hmm.

Hmm.

JAY:
Did you see the look

on Leakey's face?

You're not hearing me.

It's over.

You're my best

friend, Charlie.

I'm just trying

to help.

I know you are, Jay,

but it's not right,

What you're doing.

And it's

stressing me out.

And, you know,

she's a nice person.

How nice?

Nice.

Pleasant.

Christ, you dig her,

don't you?

No, I don't dig her, Jay.

I just... I said

she was pleasant.

Still want to go to

the seminar with me?

Or are you all

mad at me?

I'll go. Just stop

accusing people

Of stealing Cokes,

all right?

[Clapping]

Oh, yeah!

What does IBO

stand for?

Come on, guys!

What does IBO

stand for?

Individual

Business Owner.

That is exactly

right, my man.

Individual

Business Owner.

The American dream,

And the future of

everyone in this room.

You!

Citizen!

What's your name?

Charlie.

Charlie! I'm Dave.

Hi.

That's the guy I was

telling you about.

Tell me something,

Charlie...

Are you satisfied

With the way things

are going in your life?

Yeah,

it's pretty good.

Zowie! Then why

are you here, Charlie?

Actually...

If my life were

pretty good,

I sure as hell wouldn't

be here right now,

you know what I'm sayin'?

So...

"Pretty good".

"Pretty good."

You're satisfied

with "pretty good"?

Yeah, I think so.

Let me tell you something,

Right here, right now,

Charlie.

No, you're not.

Now I'm gonna ask

that question again.

Are you satisfied?

Yes.

And the answer is:

no... you're... not.

I am, actually.

I'm...

No, you're not, Charlie.

Everybody, come on.

Say it with me.

No, you're not.

ALL:
No, you're not.

Yeah!

No, you're not!

I'm happy...

You're not, Charlie.

Okay, no, I'm not.

Or you wouldn't be here.

You follow me?

Yeah.

Herb-Erect is the future.

And believe you me...

If you have ever had

a 100% organic erection,

You'll understand why

this stuff sells itself.

I gotta go.

Excuse me.

Charlie.

Wonderful news,

isn't it, Charlie?

Yeah.

She's a real talent.

How are your own

publishing pursuits going?

It's been a dog's age

since your last article.

Things are looking

really good.

We'll be hearing

the good news soon, then.

ELAINE:
Charlie.

Oh. Hey, Elaine.

Congratulations

on your article.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, um...

My boyfriend is visiting

for the weekend,

And, well,

I was wondering

If you and your partner

might want to come

for dinner.

Sure, that sounds gr...

I'm sorry,

did you say "partner"?

Yeah. Well,

Professor Hadley told me

You had a partner.

Like a male partner?

Like a man?

Well, yeah.

That's what he said.

No. No, uh...

That's not true.

What exactly, uh...

Did Professor Hadley

say to you?

He told me you were gay.

No. No, I'm not.

I'm afraid he was

just pulling your leg.

I'm straight...

Uh, as an arrow.

Oh, my God...

I've got a girlfriend

and everything.

I'm so... I'm sorry.

No, I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

I didn't... I thought

it was strange.

Um, well, listen,

Why don't you and your

girlfriend come?

Friday night?

Wonderful.

Yeah?

It's her night off.

She works at PBS.

Great.

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you then.

We'll be there.

Okay.

CHARLIE:
I know we've never

actually met in person,

But it is just one night.

BETH:
I told you

not to call me again.

I know, I know.

But, look...

I really need a date

to this party,

And who knows? You may

even like me, right?

I don't know.

All right, well, listen,

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