Terror Train Page #2

We are gonna be remembered|forever for this one.

Happy Hog Night, children. Hog Night?

Hog Night! That's right. That's|what they used to call it.

Big bonfire, and all the|pledges had to get laid.

It's true. They had to abolish|it. Something happened one year...

and they had to kick a whole bunch of guys|out of school. Well, almost kicked out.

Christ, did we do that?

You're the guys? Oh, no, it wasn't us.

It must've been somebody else.

Look, it was supposed to be a simple joke,|and it sort of got out of control one year.

Just forget about it. You|wanna know what really happened?

Yeah! Will you just drop it?

We were freshmen. It's|Christmas vacation.

I got a job at the medical|center, practically a janitor.

So I go into this lab one|night. It's unlocked...

and there's this lady there... poor|soul... who'd just fallen apart.

Yeah, literally.

Now, I promised these dorks I was gonna|come up with something truly special.

Yeah, really special.|Put a kid in the hospital.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I|ruin your punch line?

You tell them. You were there, remember?

Hey, Alana.

Sucks to you.

Hey, come on. It's New|Year's! Let's be happy!

Why don't you let these poor children|go? Okay, children, run along.

Another time. Leave the women|here. Thank you very much.

Thanks for the booze,|sir. Yeah, thanks. Booze?

Well, that was actually nice of you.

Now, what are we gonna drink?|What are we gonna drink?

-What are we gonna drink|-What are we gonna drink

-What are we gonna drink Champagne!

Absolutely there's a future in it.

People gotta come back to rail.

I'll bet you read a|lot of science fiction.

Hey, Shovels, you know what we call him?

Winnebago.

How is the R.V. Business these days?

How the hell do you think it is?

I wouldn't be here if I wasn't|up to my hind end in inventory.

But I'll move 'em sooner or later.

Should've got out 10|years ago, not five.

Now, think on this. When's the last|time somebody built a shopping mall...

next to a train station?

Think about that.

Jesus!

Oh! It's you!

You about scared the pants right off me.

You are bad, Eduardo.

What's this? Oh, that thing.

Not only is that gross, but|I know who gave it to you.

Mm-hmm. Somebody else|is looking for you-hoo.

Mm-hmm.

You wanna know who she is?

Uh-huh. Well...

a cute little thing.

Now, tell me, what's her|name? Pet... that's it.

Are you stoned?

Surprise!

Get lost.!

Ow! That hurts!

How you doin', Eduardo?

Jesus!

Hey, Ed, that number at the station...

with the sword, better|than Doc could have done.

Super fantastic, man.

Hey, Ed, want a drink?

Shh!

I've got the good stuff, Ed.

Hey, where do they keep the glasses?

Ah, here they are. Now|we're talkin' Whoops.!

Easy, Jackson. Here we|go, Eduardo. How's this?

Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy,|man. What are you doin'?

Oh, my God! No! No, no!

Very classy. You like this, huh?

You know, I've always wanted my own|toy train, but this is ridiculous.

You know, you're very imaginative,|buster. I have my moments.

I know. Hey, Mitch, I may|have to marry him after all.

Marry me.

It was my idea. Aw, Doc.

I cannot tell a lie. I'm sorry, buddy.

It got stuck in my throat. I|thought you said it was your idea.

Look, I know I suggested|letting her think otherwise.

That's real generous of you. Thank you.

So you're the one who's|paying for all this. Oh, no.

Mo's the one with the bread.|I've got all the ideas.

For instance, guess what I put|in the stuff I gave those dorks?

You a**hole!

You can't have a good time|without hurting somebody, can you?

Is that why you told|me it was your idea?

'Cause I said I'd never go to|another one ofhis f***ing parties?

Alana, you're always|walking out on my parties.

But this time, you can't.

I'll get you for this one, Doc.

I mean it this time.

Now, look, this was a good idea, right?

Right? Yeah.

So what the hell does it|matter... It matters a lot!

I'm sorry.

I know.

I just can't wait for the other|surprises he's got planned.

Whoopee cushions, exploding cigars.

Oh, Jesus.

What? Somebody broke a|bottle in there... already.

I told you it was gonna be another|one of these stupid parties.

Come on! Give it a chance, will ya?

Hey, Carne, what about those|smart alecks in the back?

Shouldn't we take a look-see?

Nah. I'd be a wet blanket if|I walked through there now.

They can cool down by themselves.

Good evening.

Admit it. You're impressed.

Okay, I'm impressed.

Mo... Good evening,|ladies. Welcome aboard.

Hello. How are you?|So where are the guys?

Weren't they with you?|No, I didn't see 'em.

Jackson was there for a|while, but he must've...

Look, he's doing magic. A magician.|What a great idea. Come on.

I wanna get some peanuts. Thank you.

There's a ton of|peanuts. They're not hot.

"They're not hot." Excuse me?

Uh, could I borrow that|coin you have there?

Yeah.

Watch this.

If I take your cigarette and|hold it up to your quarter...

it'll seem to be sticking to it...

just like that.

And if we keep turning|it, it'll look like...

The cigarette's penetrating|the quarter, just like that.

Could you, um, take this lighter here...

and, uh, light it up?|It'll give you cancer.

It's for effect. It's okay.

Okay.

You may have relatives|in ze old country.

This is the best part of all.

If we take the cigarette|and start to remove it...

the quarter will seem|to, um, seal itself up.

Whoo! That's great!

That's great. That's fantastic.

Thank you. Have you|ever seen a quarter...

that, um, allows a|cigarette to go through it?

No. Well, there's no such thing.

Now what about my peanuts?|I've got that taken care of.

Come over here.

Smart aleck.!

Uh, pick a card. Any|card. It don't matter.

Come on. L-I gotta go.|Show's about to start.

Uh-huh. You gonna be part of it,|Carne? Ain't you gonna pick one?

Free Will Baptist. We never touch 'em.

I use 'em all the time in my work.

Helps break the ice for my customers.

This always happens to me. Always.

Aw, come on, Pet. You're always|looking for that kind of guy, right?

I mean, what you have|to say is, "F*** 'em."

Listen, ifJackson shows|up, tell him I went home.

Me too. Ed was on the platform.|I bet the sh*t missed the train.

Hey, remember me?

Alana, come on.

I said I was sorry, and I meant it.

It was stupid to let you think|it was my... It's not that.

Well, would you mind telling|me why you're so upset?

You let him set you up again.|Mo, you're worth 10 of him.

Just because you belong to|the same stupid fraternity...

Hey, hey, I happen to|like this fraternity, okay?

You don't get it. You have no|idea what I'm trying to tell you.

Oh, yes, I do.

I understand, Alana.

You have just never forgiven him for|setting you up with Kenny in the frat house.

You've always gotta|be Little Miss Perfect.

Look, I'm not gonna sit here and listen|to you cover for him all night, all right?

Alana, please.!

I know Doc can be a jerk sometimes.

I'm not stupid.

Doc's my friend. You|don't need an enemy, then.

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