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Right. And after that?

He'd rip my pants off

and start eating me out.

Wait. What? What?

'Cause that's his thing.

I mean, the guy's,

like, a f***ing p*ssy fanatic.

No, after that, skipping ahead.

We'd f*** like animals.

No, I'm talking after all of that,

after you finish.

How would you feel?

You mean, like, emotionally?

Yes.

I'd be all open and

vulnerable and sh*t,

and he'd be a million miles away,

back with his family.

And then?

Then I'd be so depressed,

I'd call up my guy.

And?

And a half hour later, I'm using.

See where this goes?

Yeah.

Good.

But I want to so bad.

No, Dede, don't. Where are you?

Outside his place.

What? No!

I can't help it.

All right. Listen to me, okay?

I want you to turn around

and go someplace safe.

What's near you?

I don't know.

Think!

Okay, f***! The salon where

I work is pretty close.

Where is it?

(YELLS) Tell me!

Damn, dude.

You just got all Jack Bauer on me.

(HORNS HONKING)

Seriously?

You know what? Forget it.

I'm just gonna get out here.

Thank you. How much?

Yeah. Here you go.

(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)

(HORN HONKS)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS)

Hi. Can I help you?

(WEAKLY) Dede. Where's Dede?

Do you have an appointment?

Holy sh*t, Neil.

I made it.

Are you okay?

Lester hands paper.

What?

(VOMITS)

Ugh.

You seem better.

Trade ya.

Sorry I went all Linda Blair on you.

Here you go. Thank you.

It's the least I can do.

You saved my ass.

Come on.

I'll give you a shave while you wait.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

So, what are your, like,

you know, I don't know...

What's your big trigger?

I don't know.

For me, it's, like, when I'm sad,

I wanna have sex...

So if you...

Or if I'm happy, or tired, or bored.

So pretty much just emotions?

You get the point.

What about you?

Me, yeah, you know...

I'd say my big thing is anxiety.

Yeah, that's a big one.

Yeah, I'm pretty much anxious all the

time, so it's just, like... (LAUGHS)

Whoa. Hey. What are you doing?

Am I making you anxious?

No, seriously, what

the f*** are you doing?

Relax.

I'm about to give you

the best shave of your life.

Please don't hurt me.

Don't make me laugh.

You got a weapon to my throat.

Why would I do that?

(CHUCKLES)

You know, it's weird, but from the moment

you answered, I started to feel better.

Oh, come on. Don't...

I'm completely serious. I swear, it's true.

You know, when you called, I was, urn,

this close to losing my day count.

Really?

Wow.

Sounds like we both had a God shot.

Yeah, you know, the whole higher power

thing kind of trips me up a little bit.

I mean, I don't know if I believe it.

You know, my sponsor

tells me that it's just

gotta be about something

bigger than me,

but I don't know what that means.

Well, don't over-think it.

It could be anything.

It's, like, service, like coming

here right now, helping me.

That's higher power.

Wow. You, like, literally transplanted

a baby's butt on my face.

That was so solid of you

to come all this way for me.

Thank you.

(SIGHS) Oh, God. That's right.

I almost forgot.

I have to get home

without using the subway.

Why don't you just use my bike?

No, I can't.

It's okay. I have another one.

No, I mean, I literally can't.

I'm not a good rider of bikes.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(GRUNTING)

Aah, aah, aah, aah,

aah, aah, aah.

(BRAKES SQUEAK)

(GRUNTS)

(FABRIC RIPS)

Hey, move your sh*t, fat girl.

I'm a guy, a**hole!

(POUNDS CAR)

I'm a fat guy!

Yield, please.

Who lives like this? (GRUNTS)

Hey, sorry.

(EXHALES)

Hey. How's it going?

I'm gonna finish this 90 in

90 if it kills me. Good.

But just remember,

one day at a time.

Biking now?

Can't forget to tuck in the cuff, man.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

That's a nice helmet you got there.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

What shade of pink is that again?

I'm gonna get a new one, okay?

It matches your shirt.

F*** you, dude.

You're the one who told me

I couldn't take the subway anymore,

so now I'm out there in the streets, biking

for my life like f***in' Il Postino.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Why are you riding me?

I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm going through

some stuff right now.

(SIGHS) It's fine. I'm sorry.

I just haven't jerked

off in over a week.

You know, I just feel like

one giant blue ball right now.

(CHUCKLES) Right.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Yo, two after. Can we do this?

Okay, Adam, I'm gonna need, like, some

specifics here, so that I can understand.

You really wanna look

under that rock?

I mean, if we're gonna do this,

you know, I gotta know.

Oh, God, um...

Compulsive masturbation.

(SIGHS) Hitting on every girl

that I come across.

Lots of one-night stands.

Juggling multiple girlfriends.

Prostitutes?

Prostitutes, yeah.

I'm sorry.

It's hard for me to picture you like that.

That's it. That's the disease.

It makes you do things that violate

everything that you believe in.

I wanted to stop so badly,

I can't tell you, but I couldn't.

I understand. I just...

The thing that scares me,

if I'm honest,

is how do you know

you're not gonna fall off the wagon?

All I can say to you is this.

I have been sober for five years.

It is the most important

thing in my life.

And I am not planning

to let anything f*** that up.

Okay.

I'm just gonna go in there, pick up

my laundry and tell her my truth.

F***in' A you are.

Thanks for bookending this with me, Dede.

Thanks for letting me be of service.

Now, go tell Mommy you're

a sex addict.

(DEEP BREATH)

Hi.

Hi, Mom.

Honey.

Hey.

(KISSING)

What's... Okay.

Why are you so sweaty?

I rode my bike here. Can I, uh...

Since when do you bike?

Uh, since yesterday...

Can I come in for a second?

Can we talk about something?

Yeah, sure. But I just need you

to change one light bulb first.

I mean, why should I even have this

big house if you're never gonna be home?

(SIGHS) Okay, so, Mom, there's

something I need to talk to you about.

What's going on back here?

What?

All this sweat and schmutz

in your tuchus. What is it?

It's from the bike seat.

Well, I can't take it. It's disgusting.

Mom!

What? You're, like,

a homeless in these pants.

Okay, can you please just

listen to me for one second?

No. Take them off.

Just take them off.

Okay, take these off.

I'll wash 'em for you.

(UNZIPS)

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC)

Okay, so it was one of those things where

you work out, and then you're perspiring,

and you take a shower, but not

for long enough, apparently.

'Cause I'm giving

this presentation,

and I was, like, schvitzing

like a Russian gangster.

It was...

What?

Nothing.

This is nice.

No PDA?

Oh, no. Yes. Yes, on the PDA.

Yes?

Most definitely, yes.

Okay.

Well, what about if I do this?

Oh, yeah, always.

Really?

Yeah.

What if I just wanna

kind of upgrade it to, like...

Aah, oh, yeah.

Ooh, like a TMJ.

Yeah...

(MUTTERS AND LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

What if I... But what

if I go like this? Is that...

Yeah, do that forever.

Really?

Even when I'm an old, stinking man

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