ThanksKilling

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1

Nice tits, b*tch.

Come run with me

to the end of the world

come run with me

I know you're gonna save me

she has a...

Yah!

Thanksgiving break!

Yes! Yes!

Damn, Billy, cover

those puppies up.

Nobody wants to see your nasty

titties.

Shh, I'm trying to get

Ali to show her big ol' tiggos.

Oh, all right.

Yeah! Spring break,

guys!

Let's get wasted.

Pull your shirt

down, honey.

It's Thanksgiving, not

tits-giving.

What?

I thought Johnny would be

thankful for my glorious

boobies.

I know I am.

You know you like them.

To the end of the world

come run with me

Billy! Hey, guys!

Hey!

Yo, what's the deal

with him, anyway?

Oh, it's cool, man.

He's with me.

A little weird, but you get used

to it.

Cool.

Hey, Johnny, we're gonna

wait for you in the car, okay?

All right, sweetie,

we'll see you in a bit.

Yeah, guys, we'll see

you there.

What's up, Darren?

How's it going,

Billy?

Yo, what's up, man?

My name is Johnny.

Hey, Johnny.

Yeah, I know you.

You're the backup quarterback

for the Tritons, aren't you?

That's just because I

broke my leg last season.

You know Trent?

The first-string quarterback?

Oh, oh, yeah, no,

you're better than him.

He's got nothing on you, man.

He's got nothing.

No! Nothing.

Something different in

these blue eyes

Like they were made for me

Trent is Trent.

But Johnny, he's Johnny.

Yo, Billy.

Whoa.

Here, check this out.

Weapon of mass destruction.

Go ahead, touch it.

Nice, right?

Yeah, wow, that's

huge.

Hey, Darren.

I got a muscle you can touch.

Come run with me

I know you're gonna save me

I know you're gonna save me

I know you're gonna save me

I know you're gonna save me

I know you're gonna save me

Yeah!

Thanksgiving break! Whoo-hoo!

Don't go running too

far off, flashy.

Dinner will be done soon.

He's just a dog, Oscar.

And I'm just a lonely old hag.

Jesus, man, you

reek.

God.

So, guys, I was

thinking, you know, since it's

Thanksgiving and all, that we

should go around and say what

we're thankful for.

I'm thankful that your

mom has the juiciest poon in

town.

Oh, nice!

Burn, baby, good one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's poon?

You guys are so

rude.

Darren, I'm thankful to be

spending time with all of you

guys.

And I'm glad we're all in good

health.

Gay.

No.

Not gay at all, Billy.

Actually, I think spending time

with your family is one of the

most important things in life.

Right, Kristen?

I just wish me and my old man

had a little more time to bond.

He was the one who taught me how

to throw the pigskin around all

those years ago.

Unfortunately, we haven't been

getting along lately.

Billy, what are you

thankful for?

Well, I guess since my

papa died last year, I guess I'm

just grateful that I still got

my little mama.

I'm going to show her a good

time this Thanksgiving.

Aw, Billy, that is

so sweet.

Hey. Hey.

I'm gonna go wild...

I'm gonna go buck wild on this

trip.

I'm gonna go skinny dipping

without any clothes on.

I'm gonna ghost ride the whip,

man.

Whoo!

I'm going to have sex with

someone in this car.

Yeah, and for once, you know,

it's not gonna be just me by

myself.

I'm gonna be the one doing the

sexing.

Yeah, to one of you.

Well, it isn't gonna be

me.

I'm a prude.

What?

Nothing.

Yeah, nothing.

Nothing at all, Ali.

Ali...

You're kind of a ho.

I'm not gonna lie... you're

pretty skanky.

I am not a ho.

There is only one man in my

life.

Right, Johnny?

Oh, please, Ali,

your legs are harder to shut

than the Jonbenet Ramsey case.

Oh, snap! Burn.

That's good.

Flashy!

Dinner's done, boy.

Flashy, where are you?

Flashy?

Where are you, boy?

Oh, f***, I'm pissed.

Thank you, baby.

God damn, Sheryl, that coffee

tastes like sh*t.

What did you do?

Take a dump in it?

Ha.

As a matter of fact, I sure did.

I want a f***ing divorce.

All right, then.

Sheriff Roud here.

Hey, daddy, how are

you?

Hi, baby.

Are you on your way yet?

Yep, we've been on

the road for about...

Kristen, toss me a

beer.

Hey, what did he say?

Did he just say toss?

Uh, no, dad...

Tossing is illegal.

You can't do no tossing in a

car, girl, do you understand

that?

I know, daddy.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you

know I'll be home in a couple of

hours.

All right, sweetheart.

Hey, by the way, are you going

to be able to go with me to the

annual policeman's Thanksgiving

ball tonight?

Uh, sure, yeah.

Great.

Oh, by the way, your stepmama

left me.

Love you, bye.

What the hell?

Aw, damn it.

I'm gonna have to pull over,

guys.

Whoa, Billy.

Argh!

Billy!

God, dude. Damn it.

God damn!

How bad is it?

I don't know.

Looks like we definitely

overheated.

Oh, I know!

Maybe it's a flat tire, Johnny.

Yeah, maybe, Ali.

Hey, we got tents and

beer.

Let's party here tonight.

Yeah, that sounds

awesome!

Yeah, maybe if you get

drunk enough, Johnny, you can

look under my hood.

Well, the car does

need to cool off.

Let's do it.

Yeah!

Right here!

Camping.

Let's go get drunk.

Yeah! Drunk!

Who wants to get laid?

Where's my...

This is mine.

Party, we're going to party all

night.

We're gonna get so drunk and

wasted.

I'm so excited! I'm so excited!

F***ing f*ggot.

Ouch!

Crawberg.

Where have I heard that name

before?

Guys, guys!

Guys, guys, wait up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Whoa there, junior.

There's a sign back

there that said Crawberg on it.

So what, Darren?

Like, what's your point?

You, you're trying to

tell me that you don't know what

Crawberg is?

Okay, guys, it's time for me to

fill you in on one of the most

notorious moments in pilgrim

history.

Back in the 1500s, in the

settlement of Crawberg, an old

Indian by the name of

feather cloud, who some people

thought had black magic powers,

was dishonored by a pilgrim.

Oh, my ex-boyfriend was

a pilgrim.

The pilgrim's name

was Chuck Langston.

Well, that's my last

name.

I know, Billy.

I've never thought about it

before, but he's probably one of

your ancestors.

Well, anyways.

The old Indian was so outraged,

he vowed he would curse all

white men.

This was no ordinary curse,

however.

Feather cloud necromanced a...

Turkey that would roam the earth

every 505 years, killing the

first humans he made contact

with.

He was more evil than anything

you've ever seen before... a

Turkey that would stop at

nothing to get what he wanted...

To kill.

Are you shitting me?

A killer Turkey?

Bullshit, Darren.

You're starting to scare Kristen

now.

I'm not scared.

I'm scared.

Well, it's kind of a

legend, guys.

There are tons of books written

about it.

It's a pretty famous story.

Turkeyologists all over the

world...

Oh, brother.

Know it as

thankskilling.

Let me guess, it's

been 505 years later, right?

No.

It will be in 45 minutes.

Come on, I mean, it's

totally impossible for a Turkey

to kill a human...

Right?

Yeah, yeah it is.

Oh, there are ways.

I guess we'll just have to wait

and find out.

Damn it, you little

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