ThanksKilling Page #2

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weasel.

I told you, this is not cool for

you to scare us like this.

I mean there are girls here.

There sure are.

I'm getting wasted.

Because Kristen told me that I

could have a good time.

No, you're not.

Did you pay for that beer?

I don't think so.

Well, uh, since

there are only so many tents, do

you want to spend the night with

me, Johnny?

Gee, Kristen, I'd

love to.

I mean, I could protect you,

just in case you got scared or

something.

I have a free spot in my

tent, too, Johnny.

Flashy?

Flashy?

Flashy!

Your dog had an accident.

What the hell?

What kind of accident?

Well, I took this here ax

and I ax-identally cut him.

Get it? Ax-ident.

Die, Turkey, you

demon!

So long, sucker.

I will get you,

Turkey!

I will get you if it's the last

thing I ever do, you son of a

b*tch!

Why, why?!

First my wife, now you, flashy!

Damn you, Turkey, damn you!!

It's getting late.

This was fun, guys,

but I think it's time to hit the

sack.

Then go to bed after

that.

Right, guys?

Yeah! I got it,

Billy.

That was a good one.

Sh*t!

I forgot to call my dad.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

He's probably worried sick.

I'll be right back, I don't have

service right here.

Be careful.

Yeah, and don't wander

off too far.

There might be an evil Turkey on

the loose.

Where have you been,

Kristen?

I've been waiting around two

hours!

Sorry, daddy, our

car broke down and we decided to

camp out for the night.

I'll be back on the road first

thing tomorrow though, and I'm

totally fine, so don't worry.

Promise, punkin?

Punkin?

Yes, yes, I promise,

daddy.

I'll see you tomorrow.

We'll go to that banquet

together.

Be careful.

Love you, bye.

Love you, bye.

Okay, girl, get a

grip.

There is no such thing as an

evil Turkey.

There is no such thing as an

evil Turkey.

There's...

No such thing as an evil

Turkey.

Oh, wait, I lied.

Shut the f*** up!

You stupid b*tch!

I'm gonna drink your blood like

cranberry sauce, meanie.

Jesus, Kristen, what

happened to you?!

You were right,

Darren!

Your story was true.

There is an evil Turkey on the

loose!

Wow, Kristen.

You're, like, almost as dumb as

I am.

Yeah, it was just a

story, Kristen.

I doubt it's even true.

Shut up, you guys!

I think she might be serious.

Where's the Turkey?

I don't know.

He was right behind me.

He was chasing me.

I don't know where he went.

Well, I don't see

anything.

Let's just go to bed.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You don't believe

me, do you?

I do believe you.

Look me in the eyes.

Do you believe me?

I...

Out of everybody

here, I thought you would

believe me!

Screw you, Johnny!

You can screw me,

Johnny.

Eeeee!

Whoa!

Oh, look, it's a baby

bunny.

Do you think he's okay?

I mean, he looks kind of funny,

doesn't he?

Yeah!

That's because his stomach got

gnawed open.

Look at all of his guts hanging

out.

This little baby bunny got its

stomach gnawed open by a beak.

Not just any beak...

A Turkey beak.

Fuckballs!

Maybe Kristen was right.

Look, guys.

Just calm the "f" down.

Jesus, we're in the woods.

This type of sh*t happens all

the time.

Let's just go to bed.

Yeah, demonic turkeys.

Gutted animals.

Yeah, let's sleep on it.

Great idea.

Well, I'm tired.

I'm pretty wasted anyway, so,

uh, goodnight, all.

So, looks like it's

just the two of us.

Don't even think about

it, Billy.

You can feel up your own b*obs

tonight.

Well, what about

tomorrow?

I'll think about it.

Good night.

Who the hell are you?

You can just call me

your guardian angel, kid.

That damn Turkey come along last

night and was ready to peck your

heart out.

You're crazy!

Am I?

Then what's them Turkey

droppings doing on your chest,

son?

Oh, gross.

Oh, god.

See, I told you.

That goddamn Turkey was out here

last night, killed my precious

dog, flashy.

I think he's out to get all of

us.

Who the hell is this

creepster?

Buzz off, old man.

Trust me, kid.

Leave this cursed place now.

I'll take care of that goddamn

Turkey.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Can we just get the girls up and

get going?

This place is giving me the

Heebie-jeebies.

Yeah, that's good.

Look who's scared now.

Billy! Hurry up!

So, what did that old fart have

to say to you anyway, Billy?

Oh, nothing.

Right.

Was it about a certain killer

Turkey?

No.

Okay, yeah.

So I believe what Kristen said.

Big f***ing deal.

Can we just shut up about it?

Oh, my.

Wait, wait, so you actually

believe that there is a real

killer Turkey on the loose?

What a loser, god!

Well, I know it sounds

crazy, but, yeah.

I woke up with Turkey deuce all

over me.

I think he was trying to kill

me, but that old hermit saved

me.

You're a freak, Billy.

A freak!

But I believe your story.

I'm not gonna say

anything.

Wow.

I didn't think that my story

would have this much of an

effect on you guys.

I mean, you're the cool kids,

right?

Whatever.

Can we just go back, enjoy our

families and have a nice

Thanksgiving break?

Can we just do that? Okay?

Sure, sure.

Good.

God.

You guys and your damn Turkey

stories.

Johnny, I'm sorry

about the things I said last

night.

I guess I was just a little

beaked out... I mean, freaked

out, you know?

No need to apologize,

gorgeous.

Young Johnny Steele has an

Oldsmobile

He loves his dear little

girl

She is the queen of his gas

machine

She has his heart in a whirl

now when they go for a...

Ass, gas, or grass?

Well, I'm out of gas.

Guess I'll take ass.

Mm-hmm.

Now that's what I call a tight

ass.

Yeah.

No. It's not for you.

Or anyone else, for that matter.

Please mister, please.

I have a daughter.

Call her.

Okay.

To the church, we'll

swiftly steal

Then our wedding bells will

peal

Hi, honey.

It's daddy.

Ha!

Yeah, sweetie, I'll be home

real soon.

Sweetie, please give mommy a

kiss and tell her that...

they love to spark in the

dark old park

As they go flying along

Thanks for driving me,

Johnny.

I really appreciate it.

You should totally call me up

sometime.

I'd love to hang out with you.

Looks like someone is trying to

get with you, Johnny.

Haven't you noticed?

She tries that with everyone.

It's like her legs are harder to

shut than the Jonbenet Ramsey

case.

Oh, sh*t! Dang!

Damn, that was good.

Bye, guys.

Sh*t, that was good!

Yeah it was, man.

That was a good one.

Oh, god.

Oh, f***.

Oh, Johnny.

I was worried sick!

Mom, mom, I'm

fine.

I'm okay. I'm here now.

That's all that matters.

Now, come on.

Let's go say hi to your father.

Ma, you know me and

papa don't talk anymore.

Ever since I got put as

second-string quarterback, he

hasn't even wanted to talk to

me.

Johnny, that was two whole

weeks ago.

I'm sure he's over it.

If you say so, ma.

If you say so.

Hey, pops.

Hey. Long time no see.

How are you?

I'm good.

Um, yourself?

Please, bill, he's our son.

I'm gonna just lie

to him.

No, Johnny, no. Please.

Pops, I have some

great news.

Yeah?

I-I did it.

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