ThanksKilling Page #3

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I'm the starting quarterback for

the Tritons.

You are?

Yeah.

Good going, son.

I knew you could do it.

I knew you had it in you.

Just like your old pops.

I did, too.

I love you, dad.

You're the best son anyone

could ask for.

Enough of this bonding crap!

Dad!

Dad!

Go deep, Johnny.

Why, god, why?

No more pumpkin pie.

No more cranberry sauce.

Just Turkey.

F***ing Turkey.

I'm gonna kill that son of a

b*tch.

He is f***ing dead!

Come on, baby.

Let's do it right here.

Are you sure?

Your parents are right in there.

It's okay, they're cool

with it.

And why are we all at

my house again?

Well, guys...

I think you deserve to know.

That Turkey...

He...

He's real.

He killed my parents.

Mmm, mmm.

Pink pumpkin pie.

Where's Ali?

I called her and left a message.

We need to warn her about that

Turkey.

Yeah.

God damn it, Grant.

You really don't last that long,

do you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah!

Grant?

You sound kind of funny.

You okay?

I'm gonna f*** the sh*t out

of you!

Ohh!

Damn, that was good.

You just got stuffed!

Wait here, guys.

I'll go get her.

Do you think we made

it in time?

Don't even talk like

that, Billy.

At least her legs

were harder to close than

Jonbenet Ramsey's legs.

Is she? Is she?

Yes, guys, she's

dead.

I found this in there, too.

And this.

An extra small gravy-flavored

condom.

Son of a b*tch.

She was finally warming up to

me, too.

We've got to find a way to kill

that cock-blocking Turkey.

What? No!

I don't know how to kill this

Turkey.

I mean, hell, he's survived

everything that we've thrown at

him.

No!

We haven't done anything to stop

him yet.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's only one way to

kill him.

Remember all of those books that

I was telling you that were

written about about this Turkey?

Yeah, so?

Well, f***, Billy, we

go to the library.

No, that's not gonna

work.

All the libraries are closed at

this time of night.

Hey, guys, I just

thought of something.

My dad has a huge collection of

books.

I'm sure he has something on

killer turkeys.

That could work.

Yeah, true.

Let's do it, guys.

Let's go get that son of a

b*tch.

Hey.

Bills.

Bills.

Bills.

Hey.

Hey!

I got to get dressed!

Hello there.

Hello? Those darn kids.

Down here.

Oh, well, hello there,

little buddy.

What can I do you for?

Yeah.

Um, I'm looking for Kelsey.

You mean Kristen?

Are you a friend of hers?

Yeah.

Well I'd never known

that she had a midget for a

buddy.

You want to come in and wait on

her?

Bless you.

Allergy season, you know?

F***ing weather.

But it was nice today, huh?

Did you just say

"f***ing"?

What do you mean?

Is that supposed to mean that

midgets can't cuss?

I wasn't worried about

the size of the "f***," I was

worried about the age of the

"f***."

How old are you?

510 years old.

F*** it then, I guess

you can say it.

Hazelnut?

Yep.

Well, I'm not gonna lie.

This is pretty damn awkward,

sheriff.

I'm going to take off now.

Say hello to Kristen for me,

okay?

Oh, no problem.

I am a big proponent of you

little guys.

I think y'all been treated

wrong.

One more word and I swear to

god!

What did you say?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Have a good night, sheriff.

All right, pal.

You take care.

Man, what an odd little duck.

All right, that does it.

I hope we get there

before he gets to my dad, too.

Well, maybe he can

help us.

I mean, he is a cop.

Okay, right there.

And there... that's the house.

Yeah, I know, I

remember.

I dropped you off last night,

Kristen.

Oh, right.

Oh, hello, sweetie.

How are you?

Daddy!

You look different.

Oh.

Oh, you got a

haircut.

Yeah!

Aren't you gonna introduce me

to your friends?

Of course.

This is Johnny.

Hey, how you doing?

And Darren.

Happy Thanksgiving,

sheriff.

And Billy.

Hi.

How are you guys?

Dad, we need to use

your collection of books.

Would you mind showing us to the

garage?

Um, of course, yeah, no

problem at all.

I mean...

Where is it again, honey?

Oh, dad, you and

your rapidly fading memory.

Excuse me, sir.

Well, guys, here it

is.

I'm sure we'll be able to find

something in here.

What is it that you kids are

looking for?

Well, actually,

sheriff, there's this book

that...

Oh, nothing, daddy.

I got poison Ivy yesterday and

I'm looking for a cure.

Oh, okay, good luck now,

kids.

Thanks, daddy.

I'd die if wasn't for you.

More like you will die if it

was for me.

What was that,

daddy?

Oh, nothing at all.

So, Kristen, tell me,

why didn't you tell your father

about the killer Turkey?

Maybe 'cause he'd

never believe us in a million

years.

I was just trying to avoid a

long conversation.

That's right.

That makes sense.

All right, guys,

let's get to work.

Guys, I found it.

It's about time.

God, that took forever.

That was five

minutes.

Whoa, guys.

Look... right here, it says the

Turkey can be killed if he is

removed from his magical

talisman.

I don't know, guys.

I never noticed any magical

talisman.

He probably keeps it

hidden under his feathers.

No, Kristen, I think

you're exactly right.

Look... this is what it says.

If the talisman is not in plain

view, then it is very probable

that the Turkey keeps it in his

plumage.

Great.

All we have to do is catch him,

remove his stupid thingie, and

he's dead?

I think we still

have to kill him.

Darren, does it say if there's

some special way to that?

See, that's the

problem.

The rest of this book is written

in code.

It's a mathematical code, so I

think I can crack it.

No, I know I can crack it.

God, I hate books.

Can't it just tell us what to

do?

Kristen, do you have any snacks

or anything?

I'm starving.

I don't know, Billy.

How can you be thinking about

food at a time like this?

Well, I'm hungry.

Billy, just go

outside or something.

Go find something to eat.

We'll figure this out.

You got it yet?

Just...

Hurry up.

Johnny.

Where is the f***ing

kitchen?

I'm f***ing starving.

I just want some food.

Oh, hey, sheriff.

What you got there?

Oh, just tidying up.

Nothing to see here.

If that's the sheriff,

then you must be Turkey!

Guys!

Come on, come quick, the

Turkey's here!

You kids are retarded.

Leave us alone!

Why are you bothering us?!

Daddy, no!

Shut up, I do the talking,

f*ggot.

A long time ago, one of your

ancestors disrespected our

people really, really badly.

And so as payback, I'm here to

kill any white person that

disrespects Indians or our land.

But we gave your

people land, and we let you have

casinos.

Doesn't that make up for what

our ancestors did?

It almost did, but it didn't.

Prepare to be dead!

You fat bastard!

Quit just standing

there, guys, grab his f***ing

thingie!

Got it!

Now what do we do,

Darren?

I don't know!

I haven't figured out the

equation yet!

God damn it!

Douche bags!

All that work for

nothing?

You guys suck sometimes.

It wasn't for

nothing, Billy.

We got the talisman.

Now we can kill him.

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