That Guy ... Who Was in That Thing 1 Page #8

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competitive.

I mean, that's not true.

"How did you get that?

What did you do to get that?"

"I auditioned, I spoke some

words, they liked me, and I got

it."

"Really?"

You know, when you go to

the movies and see your friends

in leading roles and--

Or you turn on the TV and,

you know, you see your pals,

you know, doing some great work,

you know, week in and week out,

and, you know, you're still

waiting for the cell phone

to ring, it does kind of hurt.

I never felt like someone

else's getting something would

take away from anything you

would ever get.

No, I don't agree with Vidal

because that's bitchy.

He's a good writer, but it's

bitchy.

Now, if I'm in a series,

I wish everybody success.

But you know, what happened

to the actors too, which is

a great thing, this kind of

a club, and we see each other

in an airport or in a plane

or in somewhere.

And then--and you fall in, like

you had just--like you are all

campers, you know.

The time--or you were like

alcoholics, I think is better.

But for instance, I mean

just to give you an example,

I'm friends with John Slattery,

who was in my category in the--

Up for the Emmys.

Slattery came up to me during

the show at one point and,

you know, and congratulated me,

and he was very sweet about it.

And I was kind of tongue-tied

because--because I knew how

I would feel.

In that moment I'd feel like,

"well, that's very nice for

my friend," but on the other

hand, I'd rather be him right

now.

I-I was more consumed with

that when I was young.

I--everybody was my competition.

It didn't matter.

It's a lot of wasted energy.

I mean, there are some who

are--you know, who are d*cks,

who are egomaniacs, who are so

wrapped up in themselves.

I know I'm fairly wrapped up in

myself.

I had a friend I remember

when I was young, and I used to

go on and on and on and tell

her everything.

And then she would say,

"I'm good too."

And I'd--I had no idea what

she meant.

[thunder rumbles]

The business is so difficult.

You'll get that from all of your

enemies.

Don't take it from your friends,

for god's sake.

Just be supportive as you can.

I sound like I'm, like, really

magnanimous.

I'm, like, as creepy and as

awful as the rest of them.

I never thought it was a

viable way to make a living.

I-I gotta tell you, I still

don't think I can make a living

doing it.

Well, as an actor in the

screen actors guild--what is

it?

99.4% of the screen actors guild

is unemployed on any given day.

I mean, the screen actors

guild is filled with people

who've worked one job and keep

paying their dues.

The biggest challenge to

being an actor is how to get

through the, you know,

unemployment.

The best thing about being

an actor is you have a lot of

time off.

And the worst thing about being

an actor is you have a lot of

time off.

The dry spells are a part

of the business.

I remember sitting with

Henry Fonda.

And he said, "well, there's

only one job this year, and

it's gonna go probably

to Stewart."

They all--they say in

New York that you know you're

a successful actor when you can

claim your unemployment

benefits.

That means you have to work,

like, 14 weeks.

Right.

If you can work 14 weeks

as an actor, then you get, like,

26 weeks of unemployment.

And for a long time, I would

design my lifestyle so that

I could live on unemployment.

Everybody hits their peaks

and valleys.

And, um, we've had people who

were hot, hot, hot.

Everybody wanted them at the

same time and then perhaps

they get on a television show

that's not successful.

And so what happens is that

suddenly they're cold.

I'd worked as an actor for

several years, and then it just

went dry.

It's always like--

[groans nervously]

"Okay, next."

[groans nervously]

Aah!

There--there's nothing

better than--than to be

a working actor.

There is nothing worse to be

a not working actor.

I used to write bad checks

for pizza.

And I would buy, like, two or

three pizzas and put them

in the refrigerator because

I didn't have any cash.

I couldn't go to the grocery

store.

So then I would end up spending

half of my next check paying

off the--you know, the 20 bucks

check for the pizza plus the

20-buck return check fee

because it bounced.

So I was in bad shape then.

The guy said, "I have to

read the meter.

You owe, like, $9,000 on this

apartment."

I said, "oh, really?"

I said, "where is the meter?"

Because the meter was, like, on

that tree, and I would go over

underneath this thing, down

underneath over by there,

and there'd be a little trap,

which really went to nowhere,

and I'd lift it, and I'd say,

"it's down in there.

But I gotta tell you, there's

a lot of vermin down in there."

I used the word "vermin."

That sounded like someone a

little surer, "a lot of vermin

down in there."

And I lift it up.

He said, "oh, f*** it."

Then he left.

I'm sorry, I-I'll make sure to

pay those electrical bills if

they're still due."

You know, I did the jobs you

did, you know, as a waiter or

telephone surveys or, you know,

all those jobs that you could

have off hours.

I worked at the door at

nightclubs.

For four or five years,

I was--you know, I worked

asphalting, tarring roofs,

scaffolding.

I had a job for three months

in a law firm stapling.

I drove a cab.

I dealt Blackjack.

I got a massage license.

I've done contracting.

I've been a wine salesman.

I've done training.

I do all--a wide variety of

things to keep food on the

table, keep the mortgage paid,

keep the kids in the school.

I have driven limos, which

contained certain people that

you would not normally meet

during the day.

[laughs]

And they would ask for me

because I was very well spoken.

I never hit on them, and I could

make an awful lot of money on

a Saturday night.

Found this job watering

plants in Chicago.

You know, I had, like, 2,300

plants on my route.

Downtown loop area of Chicago.

It gave me the freedom to put

my buckets down in the utility

closet, which I had the key for

in various buildings, and go

audition.

I met someone.

This incredible woman when

I was in college, and we got

married, you know, five years

after I was in acting school.

And we just--she made it

possible, really, for me.

It was really her.

She supported me for the first

five years of our--of really

being in New York and trying

to--she was slaving it away.

She wanted to be an actress too.

She dropped out, and she was

working in some corporate

offices while I was goofing

around onstage.

I always like the idea of

this vagabond loner guy who

kind of didn't want to be

committed into one place.

I-it's partly selfish, you

know, to--selfishness of youth.

That kind of lifestyle

doesn't lend itself to having

a girlfriend, much less

a family.

I had a dog though with me for

the--all of those years.

I had a big, white Samoyed

named Sam.

He was, like, 100 pounds, and

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