That Sinking Feeling Page #4

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What are you doin' after the robbery?

Haud on! I'm a boy. You know, I'm a boy!

No, I know that. Em, it's just...

You doin' any jobs? Any more robberies?

Anything like that?

Not really thought about it, you know.

You know, we'd make a good team.

You've got style.

Oh, do you think so? Not too showy?

No, no, not at all. Not at all.

There ye are. Have a read.

Go up and tell them that's enough.

We're pulling out in four minutes.

Check the street. Give us the all-clear

in three and a half minutes.

- Sure.

- Vic...

Vic! Get yourself and Wal outside.

We'll pick you up on the corner

in seven minutes.

I'm just getting rid of footprints.

'C'mon, Alec. Time to go home.

Coo-ee! Can a girl come in?

Now, now, Marion, dear. It's time we let

this nice man get back to his work.

Thanks for all your help, sir.

Aw, it's been a great pleasure, ladies.

You two mind and take care

of yourselves.

There's a lot of hoodlums oot there

that just don't have any respect

for a lady.

- So take care.

- Thank you.

Well done, wee man.

Ho ho! Barbados, here I come!

Ha-hey!

First floor.

Sinks and ladies' underwear.

Thank you.

I don't know what the place

is coming to.

They actually got a helicopter on

Martin's roof and lifted the sinks away.

The mind boggles!

Know what I'm gonnae dae?

Go hame and tell Bobby

to get a padlock on the bathroom door.

Well, not a bad night's

work, eh, fellas?

93 stainless steel sinks.

And our very own snoring zombie.

Don't scoff, smart arse!

He's worth a lot more than your sinks.

That's a scientific curiosity. I could get

200 for him up at the university.

Oh, aye? What do you propose?

Wheel him to the front door

and ask for the cashier?

You're a maniac.

- You're a psychopath.

- I'm no'! I'm a scientist!

That's suspended animation.

Folk have been trying for ages to do that.

You could send him through space,

to Saturn, Mars, even Jupiter.

Short of van drivers on Jupiter,

are they, eh?

You see problems everywhere.

A scientific breakthrough's staring you

in the face!

What about the sinks, Ronnie?

When do we get the money?

They're too hot

to put on the market just now.

We're just as well keeping them here.

- But if anybody has any bright ideas...

- What bright ideas have you got?

What's the big plan now?

Hey...

- Going back to what you said about...

- What about it?

How much would we get for his kidneys?

Shut up!

- He stays in one piece.

- That was a fair question.

The kidney market's in a very healthy

state. Kidneys flying all over the world.

But for once I agree with you, Ronnie.

We'll keep him in one piece.

He's easier to carry that way as well.

What aboot the money?

That's what we did it for.

- I want tae book my holiday.

- Where are you goin'?

A wee place on the east coast.

I saw it on the map. Grangemouth.

- Fancy coming?

- Er, no, thanks. Maybe next year, eh?

There's a simple way...

There's a simple way to do it, Ronnie.

Offload the sinks and split the money

or split the sinks, right now,

and it's every man for himself. Lads?

Stop asking people tae make decisions!

Troublemaker!

Ronnie, I'll take my sinks and call it

a day. How many does it work out at?

OK, but they don't leave here

until after the weekend.

Give things a chance to cool down.

It works out at eight sinks each.

That'll leave some for...

Most disappointing show,

would you not say? Very boring, really.

But this... this interests me.

I'm here to see a man.

He's interested in buying them.

Really? He must know a thing or two

about the most recent developments

in the New York School.

- This is a very, very good piece.

- He'll be along just now.

You're not the artist? You are?

You're responsible for this?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Did you bring it here to install it?

I just brought it to install it. A fella

was interested, but he hasn't turned up.

- It's not yet part of the show?

- No, it isn't. It's mine.

- Nothing to do with the gallery?

- No, no, no. It's mine.

This is perfect for the exhibition

I'm planning about metal sculpture.

I'm buying all the work for the show

and I'd love to buy this. How much is it?

- You're interested in buying it?

- I am. How much?

Well, the sinks come about

60 quid apiece.

I could let you have the four

for... 200.

That's ridiculously cheap!

I could fling in some taps,

you could make it 250.

No, I accept it as a work of art.

I know exactly what you're getting at.

It's extraordinary.

What do you call it? What's the name?

- Well, just... Sink.

- Sink?

Well, I'm happy to buy Sink for...200?

- Yes.

- Do you mind actually? It's my lucky day.

It's absolutely as it should be.

- Tell me... Sorry, what's your name?

- Cash.

- Sorry?

- M Cash.

M Cash. How appropriate.

Well, Mr Cash, here you are.

M Cash, Esquire.

200.

- There we are. Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

'Tango Control to all mobiles.

We have another missing bread van.

'Colour:
white. Contents: four dozen pies,

eight dozen morning rolls,

'two dozen small trifles, three dozen

large trifles, one dozen apple turnovers,

'three dozen iced doughnuts,

no chocolate doughnuts.

'Repeat:
no chocolate doughnuts.'

Come on, ya stubborn bastard!

I'll break it

and re-set it up your back!

- Now, now, Doctor.

- How's the other one?

It's still the same.

We've got the computer read-out

on his biorhythmic electro-magnetic

brainwave sleep pattern, Doctor.

- Quite interesting reading.

- What's the score?

According to the analysis

of the normal sleep pattern,

he's scheduled to wake up

in the year... 2068.

- Without ageing a single day.

- He'll wake up and want his breakfast.

Carrying the hopes,

the dreams, the fears of all of us

into the next century!

The sink, Doctor. Don't forget,

he'll be carrying that, too.

There's so much more

we could be telling them! Giving them!

All they're going to get

is a bloody sink!

When he wakes up,

he'll be a billionaire.

- He's due 80 years of Sick Benefit.

- With compound interest!

Plus 40 years of Old Age Pension.

He'll be worth a fortune.

Just think... waking up to start

a new life in the Glasgow of 2068.

The ring road will be finished!

Partick Thistle in the European Cup!

The SDA will have started a facelift

in Bearsden... trees everywhere!

And medicine...

just think of the progress.

Everybody in Paisley will be able

to have a brain transplant.

Yeah...

He's going to wake up

to one hell of a city!

Hey!

Wait a minute! He can piss off!

Get a rocket to Australia.

Be there in an hour!

He'll no' have to stay here!

- When's he going to shut up?

- Don't worry. It'll be over in 80 years.

A bloody miracle, eh?

I know. I've heard of water intae wine,

but sinks intae doughnuts?!

Fantastic!

Well, wait a minute.

If sinks turn into doughnuts,

what happened tae the driver?

It's no' him. It's no' snoring!

Listen, lads,

I've got something important to say.

I've been thinking. You know that Irn-Bru

factory up the road up at the cross?

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