The 25th Reich

What's the prognosis, Corporal?

Mama Mia!

Well if that ain't the cat's meow.

As much as I have a fondness for p*ssy,

I suggest we skip

the oral lesson, Captain

And how, Sergeant Weaver.

Say, Captain...

I saw 'A Yank in the Rank"

three times,

and you and Judy Garland

make a fine couple, sir.

So you're the sucker

that came to see that movie, huh?

Yeah sucker three times over, sir.

Well you should've made it

ten times, Ishbak,

they might of run it a second week.

"North-West Mounted Police"

"Billy the Kid's Gun Justice"

I've seen them all, but

"A Yank in the Rank,"

that's my favorite, sir.

You know...

I haven't looked at another girl's legs

since that night we left.

Well I've looked at other men.

Yeah, but I bet you didn't look at them

the same way you looked at me...

- That first night in Kansas City!

- That first night in Kansas City.

Ah, it's a dilly.

You know, when you beat this outfit

you oughta go into show business.

Maybe... maybe you'll introduce me

to Judy Garland, hey Captain?

Why...

I'll introduce you to a

great many things, Ishbak.

Say... Australia's some crazy place, huh?

Like you seen the animals

they got around here?

"Boing, boing, boing"

Ain't none of them as bad ass

as the Chupacabra we got

back home in Tornado Alley.

No, Updike, you're a punch-drunk

hay-burner,

everyone knows the 'chapa-cabra'

don't exist.

Hey, Barelli, if y'all's a guinea, how come

you ain't in Italy kissin' Mussolini's ass?

- To hell with you, you dumb rube.

- Now, now, boys...

we're all batting

for the same team here.

- All for the same team.

- I don't care what you goofs think,

I'm as Uncle Sam as the rest of ya's.

Three generations all in Brooklyn,

I might be a wop but I ain't no fascist.

You seen what those guys

done to Sicily?

Brooklyn? When the hell'd that

become part of the States?

Say, if we do get invaded,

and there's a last stand,

it'll be in Brooklyn. Jeez...

there's some neighborhoods

even I wouldn't walk into.

This is it boys,

guess we hoof it from here on in.

I've never seen a puma before, Sarge,

what am I meant to do?

Shoot them, you idiot!

Dang!

Now if that ain't the biggest purple-helmeted

snot-Nazi I ever did see.

Look at it and weep, Updike.

What if I wipe your ass with it,

Mussolini?

Yeah, you wipe your ass

with this, Updike,

might just get you into heaven.

It looks like you're about

to wet your pants, Ishbak.

The last puma I saw, Sergeant,

was at the San Diego Zoo.

Well at least it was behind bars.

Captain...

Aw, Jesus of the pure earth.

Ah, minchia...

Looks like this good ol' boy was

trying to do himself a little huntin'.

Stupid kangaroo f***er,

takin' on a God damn puma.

As if a little pop gun like this

would scratch those kitty cats.

Alright, Sergeant, I wanna be on the

top of that ridge by sunset.

We bring those pumas tonight,

tomorrow will be duck soup.

Yes, sir. Alright boys,

you've got three minutes,

then I want a chorus

of "Teddy Bear's Picnic."

Barelli, Ishbak,

you got detail on the coffin.

Updike, you think you can get

Muhammad to the mountain?

Enough dynamite, Sarge

and I'll get the mountain to Muhammad.

Atta boy!

- Ishbak, get your ass over here.

- Comin', Sarge, right away.

Son of a b*tch.

What the f***'s in this thing anyway,

Sarge, your old lady?

Yeah, maybe one of those wop dames

from Esposito's pork store, Barelli.

So Italians like to eat, you think

we got a choice in the matter?

Can the horseplay, Barelli,

and get moving,

- we're burning daylight.

- Yes, Sarge.

You should see how my mama eats.

Say, Captain, what's that Nazi-loving

eye-tie doing on this detail anyhow?

I mean, they're God damn

National Socialists, sir.

Orders from the top, Corporal.

Ours is not to reason why.

Yeah, well I don't like shipping out

with no fascist.

This detail's crummy enough as it is.

All that we are is the result

of what we've thought,

what we think is what we become.

"Billy the Kid's Gun Justice." Scene 42.

Don't go getting all nickelled

and dimed, Updike.

Okay boys, round 'em up

and move 'em out.

You boys drop that transmitter

you'll be down three weeks

in the hoosegow.

We'll be careful, Sarge.

God damn right you will.

Say, Sarge, can we get

The Andrew Sisters on this thing?

"Beep, beep, baby, eight to the bar..."

That ain't no crystal set, Barelli,

doesn't pick up signals,

it sends 'em out.

Ultra high frequencies

to attract the pumas.

Like a dog signal right, Sarge?

We had this old hunting dog

back home,

as quick as all get-out

when my daddy blew that whistle.

Oh that's exactly what it is, Updike,

only damn more expensive

than your old daddy's dog whistle.

Hey, Captain, how come the 96 couldn't

keep a racoon like everybody else, huh?

Well, they wanted Lana Turner but

she was busy servicing the Joint Chiefs.

Say, didn't the 91st have a pet monkey?

Nah, that was the general's wife. Ha!

Maybe it was a kraut-loving gippo.

Can it, Corporal.

We wouldn't be on this dumb-ass detail

if that rube wop didn't roll his truck.

I said can it!

Take it easy with that box, guys.

Alright, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Oh, holy smokes!

You stinking, worthless kike!

I was just taking a swig, Sarge!

Yeah, try taking a swig while I shove

that canteen up your tight Jewish ass!

Don't go all hard-boiled, Sergeant.

- He didn't do it on purpose.

- God damn it!

A whole stack of man hours went

into building this contraption...

a whole stack of man hours.

Guys, I just hate to make you hump it

all this way up this mountain for nothin'.

Okay, Private? Barelli?

Pick it up.

Updike, back on point.

This ain't a hog-tyin'.

Sh*t, I can't figure

why you bums are with us.

Screwball Jew-ball,

and a no good ginzo.

Ought to be a law against y'all.

Quit gold-brickin', keep movin'...

you got me to deal with.

- Captain, how much further?

- Not far.

This will do, find a flat spot

over here, flat and level put it down.

Put it on a flat spot, for God sake.

Aw, jeepers...

- And take it easy!

- Yes, Sarge.

Right there take it easy, easy, easy.

Everything kosher down there,

Sergeant?

Sweet as a lullaby, Captain,

sweet as a lullaby.

And, behold...

God made the heavens

and the pure earth.

God's absent without leave, Sergeant,

or don't you watch the newsreels?

You don't believe

in a higher power, Captain?

I put faith in my own instincts

before some imaginary sky-fairy.

If I wasn't an Atheist before Hollywood,

I sure as heck am now.

Rest the men, Sergeant.

Yes sir, Captain.

Captain...

I go the way that

providence dictates sir,

with all the assurance of a sleepwalker.

I'll keep that in mind, Sergeant.

Dismissed.

Okay you bunch of goldbricks,

get off your asses, we've got work to do.

- Updike, I want some bait out ASAP.

- Sergeant.

Barelli, get some communication

going with HQ.

- Yes, Sarge.

- Ishbak, you got detail on the latrine.

Oh come on, Sarge, I did it last week!

So do it again this week!

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