The 25th Reich Page #2

Move your ass!

Oh, you gotta be kidding me...

(indistinct rhythmic whispering)

(indistinct rhythmic whispering continues)

We've always been here... waiting for you,

to take you back to the stars.

Oh, man.

Sh*t! Don't matter how much

of this God damn slop I eat,

this stuff ain't fit for a two year old.

Aw, don't be a nudnik, Updike,

quit your whinin'.

Say, Captain, do you think after the war

you can get me a shot in Hollywood, hm?

And put Lon Chaney out of a job?

I love that big death scene

in "Screaming Leathernecks," Captain,

where you fled Germany

with those five orphans,

that was some swell picture, sir.

You saw that, too?

What are you, a masochist?

Not that I know of, sir.

Yeah, that death scene was my idea,

RKO hated it,

but I talked Scheaffer around.

It was the best scene in the God damn

picture. Got nominated, you know.

- Wow!

- A good looking boy like you, Captain,

I bet those Hollywood dames was just

begging you to bang their brains out.

Ooh-la-la! Like Judy Garland,

hey Captain?

Say, did you get to bang her too?

Might have.

Come on, Captain, we'd sure

appreciate some juicy details.

Yeah come on Cap, let us know.

Yeah, Captain,

what have you got to hide?

Oh, no sir, I'm trying to,

I'm trying to give up butts...

No, take a closer look, Ishbak.

Go on, Ishbak, what's it say?

To the sexiest man I know, J.G.

Wow! Judy Garland?

You banged Judy Garland, sir?

Ain't that the berries!

How about you, Ishbak?

How'd you end up in this outfit?

- I mean, you'll all belly-laugh sir.

- No we won't,

we're all friends here, beat your gums.

My father's a Rabbi in New York,

wanted me to join the Yeshiva,

but I started wondering, sir,

where it was that God actually lived,

and more importantly, sir,

where it was that war actually lived,

and the conclusion I came to, sir,

was that both God and war

live inside ourselves,

and the moment we get the fires

of peace stoked again,

the sooner we'll all get on

with our lives.

That's why I enlisted.

Who would of thought,

you're pretty f***ing smart

for a kid, Ishbak. I'll give you that.

But, but there's one more thing I want,

one thing I want

more than anything on earth...

Spit it out, Ishbak.

Is to be a player, sir,

to be an actor just like you.

- One born every minute.

- Aw, it's okay, Ishbak, good for you.

A man should know what he wants,

I mean if a ham like me can make it

on the silver screen, you sure as hell can.

You boys might be content

with puttin' on makeup

and prancing around like

a bunch of pansies in fancy dress.

I got me a man's ambition.

Well, don't keep it pent up, Corporal.

I'm gonna be

President of the United States.

Well, that is a dilly!

Go ahead and laugh,

you bunch of blue-noses,

you'll all see, my daddy's a senator,

he's gonna grease that ladder for me...

nice and slippery like.

You got a problem with my daddy, boy?

Take it easy, Updike.

I ain't the one with the problem,

Corporal Updike,

but, ah, I just like to keep

my opinions to myself.

No go on, Barelli.

Speak your piece,

that's what we're fightin' for.

The American people

ain't stupid, Corporal Updike.

They're about as likely to elect a dumb

redneck cracker

a**hole like you for President

as they are a dime-store wop like me.

- Why you...!

- Easy, Updike, take it easy.

At ease.

You're funny, Barelli.

You're a real funny boy.

I like you.

Yeah, well, I think the President

should be a straight talking man,

a man of values.

Someone the average

Joe can relate to, not some

East Coast intellectual,

or pinko liberal.

I think it's a fine idea, Updike,

a mighty fine idea.

Alright, I've had enough

of this bullshit, let's go.

Let's get this show on the road.

Barelli, I want you on the God spot,

if you see one of them pumas,

you nail its ass.

Yes, sir.

F***er.

Hah! President...

Warm you up, Captain?

Pasadena, Sergeant, thank you.

(whispering)

(whispering intensifies)

Captain, wake up! The pumas are here!

Wake up, Captain, they're here!

Come on,

get up, get up!

We couldn't wake you, sir.

Over do you read me? Over...

Is it a puma?

Ain't no puma that big.

Or some kind of bear, Updike?

Was it a bear?

Ain't no bear, neither.

I picked a hell of a time

to give up butts.

- Updike. Get back on the point.

- Yes sir.

We're gettin' the hell out of here.

Slow down, Captain.

Holy smokes!

Updike, where the hell are we?

Dang! This is the right direction,

I'm sure of it!

Well this is due east,

we followed the same path down.

Yeah, so where's the Jeep, huh?

Hell, I must be losin' my marbles.

It should be here, right here... damn!

Say, Captain...

I think you need to see this.

Shoot, some kangaroo f***er stole

the God damn Jeep.

Yeah, and I think some kangaroo f***er's

stolen the God damn road!

What are you an idiot?!

Jesus of the pure earth...

It worked... it actually worked!

What are you talking about, Sergeant?

You expect me to believe

this flour-flushing sh*t?

I know you don't believe

in anything, Captain,

no need to reinforce the fact.

You're O.S.S? A Colonel?

It's not the road that's gone

gentlemen, we have.

This "radio transmitter"

is a time machine...

a time... machine.

We've gone backward,

difficult to say how far,

approximately fifty thousand years.

Beggin' your pardon, Sarge, but,

have you completely lost your marbles?

You shouldn't talk that way

to a superior officer.

Yeah that's right, Barelli, don't talk

that way to a superior officer.

This is bullshit!

A psych operation, a trick, and one

I should have been informed of.

That thing that attacked us

was a marsupial lion,

extinct in our time, but not in this one.

Updike!

- Plot us a course back to the base.

- There is no base.

Everything within a two-mile radius

of that transmitter

has been shipped back in time.

- Our jeep's right where we left it.

- In 1943?

Now you're on the trolley.

No one knew if the coffin would work,

might've done nothing,

might've killed all of us.

And this mission might still be

a one-way ticket.

Man, you are completely nuts!

Don't pretend like you

just got off the boat.

Negative! You put this entire squad

in jeopardy.

And gladly, I'm willing to die

for what I believe in.

- Yeah what's that?

- A way of life,

a political system that works.

Why, I'd sacrifice myself and every one

of you to preserve those things.

Am I right, Updike?

Hell yes, sir.

The way I see it, Captain,

you ain't the one

giving' the orders anymore...

- Y'all been demoted.

- Yeah,

yeah, well, the way I see it, Updike, is that

I think you've had too much

giggle-water.

May I remind all of you,

refusal to obey a superior officer

in a time of war is treason.

I prepared this mission,

I've studied all of your psychological

profiles, all of you!

I know everybody's dirty little secrets.

You disobey me again and I'll scrag you

good and proper, O'Brian.

Understand?

We've come back to the past

to save the future, gentlemen,

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