The 25th Reich Page #3

to put an end to the tyranny

of Hitler's Third Reich!

Humanity will owe you all a great debt.

I wanna be west of those mountains

in two hours.

Updike, hit the sixes,

you're back on point.

Yes sir, Colonel sir.

And Barelli, you're on fire extinguisher,

let's move out.

Stay outta my way, grease-ball.

Anybody can make history,

Corporal Updike,

but only great men can write it.

God bless America, sir.

- Captain?

- Move out, Private.

You heard the Colonel.

You really believe

we've moved through time, Captain?

I don't know

what I believe anymore, Ishbak.

When are we gonna put that cracker

a**hole back in his box, Captain?

Upon the road of life

I stumbled into a dark wood,

for the right path had been missed.

What, what was that, Captain?

"Inferno in Alabama."' Scene 27.

Apple sauce!

You see what kind of a fine

actor he is huh, Barelli?

Oh jeez, if he can act us back to 1943

I'll give the man

an Academy Award myself.

Hold it right there.

Jesus of the pure earth!

Scatter! Hit the deck!

Sh*t!

What are you afraid

of, a little prick?

Ishbak... Ishbak!

Alright, we can't lollygag around.

Fire up that box,

I gotta get this kid back to 1943.

If he lives, there's no gain.

If he dies, there's no loss.

What the hell kind

of an animal are you?

The kind of animal that follows orders.

You took it out of your pants and

you should of done somethin' with it.

- Cut it out, get back!

- I'll kill you, Barelli! F***in' kill you!

Updike, that's enough!

Enough God damn it!

Okay, Updike?

Okay, Barelli?

You wanna get that kid back home,

then you do what I say... what I say!

You f***ing rube,

you've condemned us all.

Our salvation lies yonder, Captain,

now move out.

Updike, you're on my ass... now!

God damn bunch of 8-balls.

God damn back-talkin' a**holes!

Anything comes sniffin'

around, Ishbak,

you shoot it's God damn ass off,

you understand?

I'll be right back.

I didn't expect this.

What were you expecting?

Well, I'll be dipped in sh*t.

We found it buried

right here in 1939...

Decayed, corroded.

Forgotten for over

fifty thousand years.

Wait, you're saying

that's where that-there box

came from, Colonel?

That box was the only thing

salvageable,

it's the heart of the ship...

a quantum wave generator

that buckled time and space

like a Barnum & Bailey Circus mirror.

What's our mission, sir?

Why, we're gonna fly that giant

suppository back to 1943

and shove it up Adolf Hitler's ass.

Those potato-mashers won't know

what hit 'em...

Ah boys, we're gonna change

the course of human history.

This time next year pigeons

will be crapping on our statues

from Washington State,

to Washington D.C.

Just what us Italians need

another f***ing statue.

God damn it!

I'll get inside that thing

if it takes me all eternity.

We camp here tonight!

Don't sweat it, Private,

that ship's electromagnetic field

scares the hell out of those critters.

They won't come any closer.

It ain't the critters that

are eating me, Colonel.

It's the fact that I'm gonna have

to eat those critters.

Where's your atheism now, O'Brian?

Here you are at God's doorstep

but you refuse to acknowledge it.

That chunk of metal means

there might be little green men,

it does not mean there's a God.

Well I think it proves definitively

that there's a God

and he's on our side.

That sounds like something

a Nazi'd say.

Well, maybe they'd be right.

Maybe the real war

isn't man against man.

Maybe it's man against God?

We're gonna use that ship

to overthrow God, right?

Yeah, Updike's on the trolley,

that's exactly

why God led us to the ship.

Negative.

Whatever flew that ship is long gone,

or didn't you see those graves?

I wouldn't expect you

to agree with me, O'Brian.

I doubt if anything like that has been

mentioned in the Torah.

Oh, is that a revelation to you, boys?

Our beloved Captain here

is of the Judaic persuasion.

Donald O'Brian is a stage name.

You wanna tell 'em

what your real handle is, Captain?

Go on, Captain.

You got a right to speak...

that's what we're fighting for.

Kinderman,

Elijah Kinderman.

Sh*t!

Well, Kinderman,

I believe the destiny of man

is to rule the cosmos,

to be first raised as God's children,

but then to ascend and take his place.

We're gonna need more water.

Corporal Updike,

go fill the Captain's canteen.

Yes sir, Colonel, sir.

Might as well, ah,

fill 'em all up, hey Colonel?

Ain't nothin' I like better

than a round, full moon.

You gonna tell me

what you want, Mussolini?

I feel I owe you an apology.

What?

Well, growin' up in Brooklyn,

I seen a lot of ugly things,

Protestants thumpin' Catholics,

Catholics thumpin' Jews,

everyone running their own

little stinking' racket,

talk about organized religion.

What the hell kind

of tune are you playin'?

I'm playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

I'm playing

"The Star Spangled Banner,"

but unless we all start singing

from the same song book,

then those Nazi bastards

will have us singing "Lilia Marlene",

you know what I'm saying?

The Colonel's gone mad,

he's all balled up,

he's never gonna get inside

that tin can.

Ishbak's a goner

if we don't help him quick.

So, you got a better proposition?

We got one chance,

one chance to repair that box

and get back to 1943

but that ain't gonna happen unless

we all work together, capiche?

Where I hail from a man ain't

a man unless he speaks his piece.

I always admired

that about you, Barelli...

You're an honorable man.

Take my hand, Updike,

I want you to accept my apology.

You're my ginzo b*tch,

I'm gonna cut you a vagina.

The bank is open,

I'm gonna make a deposit.

Bye bye, eye-tie.

Colonel! Colonel!

He's gone! Barelli's gone!

- What?

- 'Gator took him.

Came out of the water

and tore him all to hell and gone.

Are you sure he's dead?

What if he's only injured?

No way, that critter had

itself a nice feed of dago meat.

Why you lying sack of sh*t!

I'll see you court-marshaled for this!

F*** you, you Jew f*ggot,

I'll tear you a new a**hole!

The wop was dragged into the swamp,

nice and deep.

Cut that sh*t out! Both of you!

This is still a military operation.

Any more insubordination, Corporal,

and I'll discipline you personally.

Either you tie a leash around

this a**hole or I'll do it myself.

There'll be no more fighting

in this outfit! Am I clear?

I said am I clear?

Updike?

Yes, sir.

Both of you, hit the sack.

That's an order.

(indistinct whispering)

Come back to the stars.

What's the ruckus?

O'Brian, you listening to me?

What in the Sam Hill are you doing,

going through the Colonel's property?

He's a Colonel alright...

in the Luftwaffe.

You expect me to believe

that bunch of slimy goose crap?

I don't read no foreign languages.

Then read this.

F***.

Son of a b*tch!

Colonel! Colonel!

Come back here you God damn

son of a b*tch, Colonel!

Colonel...!

He left us here, he left us to die!

What're we gonna do?

Are you listening to me, O'Brian?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes