The 40-Year-Old Virgin

---

[A Life Of Illusion playing]

[alarm buzzing]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Hey, Andy!

What's up, dude?

Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.

How you doing?

When you going to

get a car?

Hey, why don't you

get a car?

I can't afford it.

[laughing]

So, Survivor tomorrow night.

We on?

See you then.

I'll bring a soda.

Hey, enjoy your orange.

Okay, take care.

See you. Bye-bye.

That guy needs to get laid.

Tell me something

I don't know.

[chuckles]

Good morning.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Sorry.

[car horn blaring]

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Hey.

Good morning, Paula.

Andy.

Excuse me.

I have a question.

What is the difference between

Hi8 and Digital video tapes?

I'm not a salesman,

so, I could probably...

Welcome to Smart Tech.

How can I be of service

to you?

Well, I was just

wondering...

what is the difference

between these?

(Jay)

Well, if I'm photographing

someone as fine as yourself...

I'd probably go Digital.

Hey, don't worry

I've been lied to

My God.

Sorry I'm late, man.

No problem.

Oh, man.

I had a weekend.

Yeah?

We went to Tijuana, Mexico,

you know...

and we thought

it would be fun, you know,

to go to this show.

Everyone's, "You gotta

check out one of these shows."

And, you know,

it's a woman f***ing a horse.

We get there,

and, you know, we think

it's gonna be awesome...

and it is not as cool

as it sounds like

it would be, man.

It's kind of gross.

Yeah.

You think,

"A woman f***ing a horse"...

and you get there

and it's...

a woman f***ing a horse.

Yeah.

It was really

giving it to her.

And you know what...

to be honest, I felt

bad for her. We all

just felt bad for her.

Yeah.

Kind of felt bad

for the horse.

Wow, that's something.

So what did you get up to?

You know, I just kind

of hung out. I was...

God, Friday,

when I went home...

I really wanted

an egg-salad sandwich.

And I was just obsessing

about it and I was like:

"Man, I'm gonna

make one of those."

So Saturday I went out

and I got, like,

a dozen eggs...

and I boiled them all

and then I just...

I spent, I don't know,

probably three hours...

like, three-and-a-half hours

making...

you know, the mayonnaise

and the onions and paprika...

and, you know,

all the accoutrement.

And then, by the time

I was done...

I just really didn't feel

like eating it.

I can imagine.

And I didn't have any bread.

So, you know,

it was pretty good.

It was a good weekend.

Sounds pretty awesome.

Yeah, it was fine.

Sounds really fun.

Cool.

Cool.

Cool, cool.

Hey, Paula.

Yeah.

I gotta tell you something.

I'm really excited about it.

For the first time today,

I woke up...

I came to the store,

and I feel confident

to say to you...

that if you don't take

this Michael McDonald DVD...

that you've been playing

for two years straight, off...

I'm going to kill everyone

in the store...

and put a bullet

in my brain.

David, what do you suggest

we play?

I don't care. Anything.

I would rather watch

Beautician and the Beast.

I would rather listen

to Fran Drescher

for eight hours...

than have to listen

to Michael McDonald.

Nothing against him,

but if I hear Yah Mo B There

one more time...

I'm gonna yah mo

burn this place

to the ground.

You're such a smart ass.

Get back on the floor.

[garbled]

F*** you.

[clears throat]

This is a great TV.

Nothing beats a plasma.

What are you doing?

That's my customer.

It certainly is not.

When I came upon her,

she was unattended.

No, that's my...

Wait.

Go to the checkout there.

Pick up there, please.

She was unattended

because I went to the back...

to get the brochure

that she requested.

I apologize,

but it's too late.

The transaction

has been completed.

Then you're gonna give me

half the commission.

You'll receive

none of the commission.

I need to talk to Paula.

This is crazy.

This is bullshit.

Every time I make a sale,

you go crying to Paula.

How about Jesse Jackson?

Old Jesse needs a cause.

Sick of you poaching

my customers.

I'm sick of your

crybaby bullshit.

You wanna take this

sh*t outside? Just take it

outside and squash it?

Let's stay inside,

so everybody can see

what a p*ssy you have, okay?

Because when I remove

the blade I keep in my boot

from its sheath...

I can't return it

until it has spilled blood.

Look, listen to me.

You are f***ing

with the wrong n*gger.

Hey! You're f***ing with

the wrong sun-n*gger, okay?

Dude, I will hang your old ass

by your turban.

Turban now? Do you see

any f***ing turban here?

Do I talk like a turban guy?

Do I say, "Hey, Jay,

do you want a Slurpee?

You want a Slurpee?"

F*** you, okay?

I was born in Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, okay?

My accent is a f***ing

Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

All right, man.

Calm down, dude.

Look, you still covering

my shift on Friday or what?

If I can keep this commission,

with pleasure.

Cool, then. All right, pop.

No problem.

How about Andy?

No.

Come on, man.

We need, what,

five guys...

to play a decent

poker game, right?

Yeah.

If we cancel this,

I'm gonna have to go...

to some stupid-ass

birthday party with Jill...

and that sh*t

ain't happening.

No.

(David)

Why not?

He's a really nice guy and all

but I'm pretty sure that...

he is a serial murderer.

Who cares, man?

He's a nice guy.

I just wanna get drunk,

f***ed up,

and play some cards.

That's great.

Look, I don't wanna

end up a lampshade...

in some creepy apartment,

that's what I'm saying.

I don't really see

any other options.

Andy. My man.

You got any plans

later on tonight?

Why, do we have to unload

the Sony truck?

No, the guys

are getting together,

we're playing some poker...

thought, you know,

you'd wanna play.

With you guys?

Yeah, sure.

That would be cool.

You know how to play, right?

Yeah, I play online sometimes.

We're gonna play

in the store.

Great.

Are we allowed

to do that?

Absolutely not.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, so I'm gonna

go tell Paula.

I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding.

That sounds great. Cool,

I'll see you guys tonight.

Okay.

All right.

[clattering]

Oops.

I almost feel guilty.

No, you don't.

Going down!

Going down!

Dumbass.

And a full house.

Oh, my dukes!

What?

How much f***ing online poker

do you play, dawg?

For like an hour or two

a night, when I'm not

playing Halo.

Why did you invite this guy?

He's a f***ing ringer, man.

This is hog sh*t.

You, you're a f***ing a**hole

to tell me to come here.

You tell me he was a nice guy,

didn't you?

Well, f*** you people,

and f*** you, you and you...

f*** and kiss my big brown

f***ing ass, okay?

(Jay)

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

Peace.

All right, man.

(Mooj)

F*** a goat.

[all laughing]

Good night.

I love that guy.

Dude, you totally...

Oh, sh*t, I gotta go. Damn.

About to go see Ellen

in a little bit.

Going now?

Late-night action, huh?

Dude, you know

how it goes.

Does your girlfriend know

about all these

late-night visits?

It's like an unspoken

agreement. Yeah.

It's like a completely

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote