The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #2

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and utterly unspoken

agreement.

If you knew her, if you knew

who I was dealing with...

you wouldn't be

saying this sh*t.

There's nothing you can't do

with this woman...

straight up and down.

I've done

every single thing...

I could possibly create.

I've literally lubed up...

and made love to the arches

of her feet. All right.

Wow!

(Jay)

Yeah.

Foot f***!

That's sick, man.

Wow.

That is not sick.

I will give you sick.

Oh, sh*t.

I was sleeping with a woman

recently, she had the...

Her tits were unbelievable.

Oh, man, I love titties.

And so we're doing it

and I'm about to finish...

and her dog starts

licking my ass.

I swear to God, I have

to decide, do I finish

or do I stop the dog?

I know your nasty ass.

He finished.

I finished.

And then I stole the dog.

No, I didn't, but...

You know, sometimes,

Amy and I would make love...

till it was almost like

we weren't two people...

but we were two spirits

or something.

Our souls were

connected in this way,

I can't describe it.

Time stood still.

It was like we were

sharing the same heart.

Stop, man! Why do you

always come and kill the vibe

with those things?

"Sharing the same heart,"

that's like some...

Britney Spears sh*t, man.

This is three grown ass men,

don't nobody want to hear

that sh*t.

Yeah, man, come on,

nobody wants to

hear that sh*t.

Thank you, Andy.

Dude, you broke up

two years ago.

You get over it

at some point.

Two years, man.

You need to get past that...

because no ass

is worth thinking

that much about...

I always say.

Andy, do me a favor.

Would you please help him

redeem himself by telling

a real sex story?

Yes.

I don't... You know what,

I'm a gentleman

and I don't...

I don't kiss and tell.

F*** it, I raise you.

Nastiest sh*t

you've ever done.

I'm talking about nasty.

Wow.

So many stories

are running through

my head right now.

I dated this girl...

for a while, and she was

really a nasty freak.

She just loved to get down

with sex all the time.

She was like, any time of day,

she was like:

"Yeah, let's go.

I'm so nasty."

And I'd be nailing her.

Oh, sh*t.

She'd be like:

"Oh, you're nailing me. Cool."

She talk dirty to you?

She loved to dirty-talk.

Totally into it.

She'd be like:

"Yeah, let's screw, let's...

I wanna f***."

God, it was so dirty.

She'd be like, "Me so horny,

me love you long time."

So...

(Jay)

So what were the titties like?

Yeah, describe her...

Yeah, she had great tits.

No, I mean, like, detailed.

Did she have, like,

you know...

them little pink

teeny nipples.

Oh, yeah.

(Jay)

Or like the long

National Geographic nipples.

You have like

the bumpy Braille nipples,

the Stevie Wonders.

(Andy)

Yeah, they were nice.

You know, when you, like,

you grab a woman's breast

and it's...

And you feel it and...

it feels like a bag of sand

when you're touching it.

Bag of sand?

You know what I mean.

Why don't we just play?

Why don't you just

deal the cards?

What are you

talking about?

Have you ever felt

a breast before, man?

Yes.

Dude, are you gay?

No, I'm not gay.

I've been with

tons of women.

I touched a guy's balls

at Hebrew school once.

Dude, it's not a big deal.

You like to f*** guys.

I'm cool. I got friends

who f*** guys, in jail.

No, I'm not gay.

No, I've borked a lot of women

in my day.

You've "borked"?

Hold up.

Yo, answer this question:

Are you a virgin?

Are you a virgin?

Yeah, not since I was 10.

It all makes sense.

You're a virgin.

I am... Shut up.

How does that happen?

He's a f***ing virgin.

I knew it. That makes

so much sense, man.

Look, he's a virgin.

You guys are hilarious.

All right, come on,

don't be mean.

I'm not being mean.

I'm trying to

help the partner out.

I'm trying to say

I wanna get you laid, dude.

I understand

what's going on.

You guys are so up your asses.

From now on,

your dick is my dick.

I'm getting you some p*ssy.

[men laughing]

A bag of sand! Come on, man!

You could do better than that.

God, me so horny?

Me so stupid!

[yelling]

Oh, come on.

[laughing]

It's gonna be fine.

They don't even remember.

Those guys are cool.

[alarm buzzing]

This is gonna be bad.

(Andy)

Yeah, well,

virgin's not a dirty word.

You know what's a dirty word,

is a**hole...

and that's what you guys are.

You know,

I may not have had sex,

but I could f*** you up.

Yeah.

Come on.

Hey, David.

Hey, Andy.

What's up?

Cal, good morning.

(Haziz)

Hey, Andy.

Hey.

We're gonna have to get you

some punani.

[both guffawing]

Andy, it's going down,

partner. We're gonna be...

[moaning]

This for you, partner,

this for you.

Waves of them coming at you

on Friday, Saturday.

By Sunday,

your nuts gonna be drained.

Hey, Andy, don't let him

bother you. It's okay

not to have sex.

Not everybody

is a p*ssy magnet.

What are you? 25?

I'm 40.

Holy sh*t, man.

You've got to get on that.

Life isn't about sex.

Life is about children

and passion.

Yeah.

And spirit.

Yeah, life's about passion.

It's not about f***ing

and balls and p*ssy.

It's about love.

It's about people.

It's about connection.

It's all about connections.

It's not about cock

and ass and tits

and butthole pleasures.

It's not about

butthole pleasures at all.

It's not about

this rusty trombone

and dirty Sanchez.

Please stop.

And Cincinnati bowtie.

And your p*ssy juice cocktail

and this sh*t-stained balls.

Mooj, just please stop.

Just relax...

All right.

That's enough, party's over.

Let the virgin

get back to work.

Andy!

Andy, come on.

We were just kidding.

Pointless.

Andy, nobody cares

that you're a virgin.

Don't be such a baby.

They were just having fun.

They didn't mean anything.

Get away from me, David.

Wait a minute.

Stop following me!

Hold up.

Hold on.

I'm gonna have to

quit my job now.

You don't have to

quit your job.

You know what, I don't wanna

go out with you guys.

Fine.

Okay? I don't need your help.

Okay, fine, you don't

have to go out with us

if you don't want.

You know what,

I respect women,

I love women.

I respect them so much

that I completely

stay away from them.

Okay.

I have a very fulfilling life.

[playing]

And now, I am making

your silver pants blue.

Get some roadburn, come on!

Come on, sucker!

Now, pretty ladies

around the world

Got a weird thing

to show you

[laughing]

Oh, my God!

Hey, Will and Grace,

back to work.

Hey, Haziz, can you just

give us a second?

We're just kind of

in the middle of something.

I'm on my break, okay?

F*** off, Haziz.

Leave us alone, all right?

F*** off? F*** you!

F*** you!

F*** you! F*** off.

F*** off.

I'm gonna kick you

in the nuts, a**hole.

Hey, hey!

Watch the language, okay?

I have a family.

Watch how you talk to me!

It's a free country, Bambi.

I can smoke out here

if I want to.

Smoke my pole.

You are a very unkind man.

Get inside!

This is not professional.

Paula,

this a**hole over here...

It's okay.

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