The 40-Year-Old Virgin Page #3

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(Haziz)

Paula!

It's all right. Come on.

You know, it's just...

So, how could this

not have happened?

It just never happened.

When I was young, I tried,

and it didn't happen.

And then I got older and I got

more and more nervous...

because it hadn't

happened yet.

And I got kind of...

weirded out about it.

Then it really

didn't happen...

and then, I don't know,

I just kind of stopped trying.

Do you want to give it

another shot?

Maybe it's too late.

Sometimes I feel that

it is just too late for me.

No, that's crazy.

You're 40 years old.

You know, 40 is the new 20.

You wanna spend

the next 60 years

of your life...

never experiencing sex?

And not just sex, but love...

and a relationship,

and laughing and cuddling

and all that sh*t.

I don't know.

I wouldn't know what to do.

Look, you gotta take a risk.

You gotta risk it.

Look at me.

I went out with this girl

for four months...

and it was the greatest...

greatest thing in my life.

Until she went down on this

guy in an Escalade, I think.

And, you know,

instead of saying:

"Okay, what am I doing

that caused this behavior?"...

I dumped her. Stupid decision.

I spent the last two years

of my life regretting it.

Why don't you

get her back right now?

Because she's dating

this pot dealer.

Stupid horrible decision.

But, hey, that's her journey,

you know.

I gotta respect that.

I gotta give her the space.

She wants to be

some immature little b*tch

and blow everybody...

that's love, man.

It sounds horrible.

Of course it's horrible.

It's suffering...

and it's pain and it's...

You know, you lose weight...

and then you

put back on weight...

and then you call them

a bunch of times...

and you try and email

and then they move

or they change their email...

but that's just love.

Do you realize that

this is the first time...

we've spoken for more than,

like, 30 seconds?

Uh-huh.

It's kind of nice.

Come out with us this weekend.

No pressure.

We'll just have a good time.

Okay, yeah, I will.

I'll give it a shot.

Great.

But I'm not going to have sex

with anybody.

Good, sex should be

the last thing on your mind.

[I Got Ants In My Pants

playing]

Logjam. Hi.

Sh*t.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

See you later.

Thanks for the dance.

I'm okay. It's all right.

Oh, come on, bus!

Oh, come on, dogs!

Sh*t! You gotta be kidding me.

I mean, I'm kind of nervous.

I never had oral sex before.

Jennifer told me how to do it.

It's gonna kick ass.

[screaming]

What are you doing?

Okay, just...

We're almost there.

[grunts]

We have one.

Houston, we have one.

You'll pull my

f***ing hair out!

We did it.

God!

Oh, my God,

you came in your pants.

What did you do?

I had some Cream of Wheat.

You know what else is sexy?

What?

Me...

Yeah?

...sucking...

on your...

toe.

That's what you want to

suck on?

Yeah.

It's just so big and thick.

Okay.

Yeah.

[laughing]

That tickles.

[screams]

I'm sorry. Oh, no.

Your nose is bleeding.

You think?

I'm sorry.

I'm hot.

But, now,

you can't have any of this.

You should just

give up forever!

[exclaiming]

[Ain't No Mountain

High Enough playing]

Cal, what do you think?

Is this too yellow?

No.

What's Curious George like

in real life?

Come on, man.

[J.O.D.D. playing]

Wow, this is

pretty crowded.

Yeah. Well,

it's $9 beer night.

Okay, look now.

So, this is

what's about to happen,

all right?

You about to go run down

some drunk chicks, all right?

And don't confuse

that with tipsy.

We talking about drunk.

I want vomit in the hair,

bruised-up knees.

A broken heel is a plus.

That's what you

want to find, okay?

No, Dave already told me

I didn't have to have sex

tonight.

And now he's gone, so...

Dude, just stop thinking

for a minute, all right?

You ain't got to think

on this one.

All you got to do

is use your instinct.

Show me your instincts.

My head, my heart.

I follow my heart.

Now, I'm gonna show you this

one time, all right?

Instincts.

Show me your instincts.

Show me your instincts.

They're right here.

Own your instincts.

All you doing

is using your instinct.

That's it.

That's how a tiger know

he got to tackle a gazelle.

There's a code

written in his DNA.

It says,

"Tackle the gazelle."

Okay.

And believe it or not,

in every man, there's

a code written that says:

"Tackle drunk b*tches."

No.

You know what,

I don't feel comfortable...

hitting on drunk "b*tches,"

you know.

I don't think that's right.

Okay, hold up.

First of all,

you making it out to be

some kind of bad thing.

I didn't use b*tches

in a derogatory sense.

You did.

It just does...

This doesn't feel right.

Of course it don't feel right.

What has felt right for you

didn't work.

You need to try

some wrong, dawg.

Okay, how do I tell

which ones are drunk?

Now you're talking.

All right, check this out.

You see this redhead

over here?

Where?

With the big old titties.

I'm not gonna

stare at a woman.

Dawg, I'm not telling you

to stare at nobody.

I'm telling you to use

your peripherals.

Now look at me.

See. Look. See?

Yeah.

I'm not looking at you.

No. I'm looking at...

You're looking at her?

What do you want me to do?

I want you to use

your peripherals.

See? I'm not looking at you.

No. See, I'm looking

at the redhead at 3:00

with the big titties.

You see her, racked up

right there, see her?

Yes.

Yeah.

You find one with

the peripherals.

Okay.

You see, over by the post.

It looks like a...

It's either a ficus...

It might be

a rubber tree plant.

All right, if you're

making a joke, dawg,

it's not funny.

I see a blonde

and she's very pretty.

Better, okay. All right.

Now with your peripherals...

Yeah.

...you got to scope out

a hot, drunk chick.

And then you should

make your move.

Okay? All right.

Yes.

And remember, it's

more important that she's

drunk than she's hot.

For this first one.

Go get her.

Peripherals, though.

All the way.

All peripherals.

That boy is stubborn.

Hi, I'm Andy.

You look comfortable.

Can I get you

another cocktail?

Too drunk.

But you got the right idea.

But clinically alive.

Hey!

Yo!

I'm having trouble

finding the drunk people.

You want to know

where there's one?

Yeah.

I. I, Captain Yellowshirts.

[growls]

Okay. Have a good one.

Yo!

What?

I met a girl and she's here

with a bachelorette party...

and they invited us

to party with them.

Okay, that's good.

It's so good...

because no one is hornier

than a girl...

who's about to watch

her friend get married

to a guy.

It's so funny.

[women whooping]

So we just decided because

this is my last night

as a free woman...

before I marry Dan,

that we would just wig out.

We're wigging out!

You guys are hilarious.

Wait a minute.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, the erection results

are in.

[all laughing]

Hey, guys, look,

it's Dr. Zeus' penis.

I really mean this.

Hey, everybody,

who wants penis cake?

I do.

(Cal)

She does.

Hey, you guys,

Betty Cocker.

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