The Absent Minded Professor Page #7

And your opinion is?

About 7:
00 tonight, he's gonna

be in serious trouble.

Gosh. My father never

does anything like that.

For a parent, he's way out!

Excuse me, excuse me.

This way, fellas.

Son! What are you

going to do to me?

One, two...

Biff! I'm your father!

Please!

Hike!

Pop!

Are you all right, Pop?

And why wouldn't I be?

The warehouse!

Oh, no. Once more,

and we'd have had it open.

You're not gonna

give up this easily.

It's just a bump on the head.

That's it. Come on.

What would Mr. Hawk say?

Come on, let's get on our feet.

On with the fight. Come on.

Here. Try this.

Oh. Thank you, dear.

That did it. Better get

back in the car, Betsy.

All right, come on,

you cut-rate gorillas!

-Hit him high this time.

-Got you.

Okay, Mr. Jumping Jack.

Look out!

Ned!

Corners beautifully,

doesn't it?

Ned, look!

Here they come!

Come on, you guys!

Get in the car! Hurry up!

To think I always thought of you

as a nice, easygoing

college professor.

-Betsy?

-Mm-hmm?

No. This is hardly the time

to say what I was going to say.

Never mind.

Go ahead. Say it.

-Well...

-[ Gunshot ]

What do you know?

They want to play rough.

Here. Give me that thing!

You can't do that, Pop!

We gotta show this nut

we mean business!

Well, looky there.

A police car.

Well, well, well.

They've been asking for it.

Asking for what?

The Shelby Stomp.

It's Brainard!

-Faster, son!

-I've got it down to the floor!

-Hold it!

-All right!

All right, you birds!

Get your hands

on the top of that car.

Now, this is ridiculous!

Do you realize who I am?

Yeah. You're the guy that had

this hot pistol in his mitt.

I'm Alonzo P. Hawk,

president of the Auld Lang Syne

finance company!

Isn't it a small world?

Why, of course I remember you.

Well, that's better.

Sure, you're the outfit

that repossessed

my electric icebox last year.

Well, Officer Hanson!

Sorry, but can you tell me

the shortest way

to Washington, D.C.?

Sure, Professor.

Down the block to the

intersection, left, Highway 9.

No, I mean as the crow flies.

Oh! That way.

Due East.

Thanks.

Officer, stop that man!

He's flying off with millions

of dollars that belong to me!

Mr. Hawk, surely you're not

accusing dear, old Professor...

I have an unknown approaching

Washington prohibited zone.

Heading 0-6-8.

Angels 1.5.

Speed 45 knots.

45 knots?

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

Hello, Bird Farm?

This is Flag Down.

Scramble the 5-minute birds.

[ Alarm blaring ]

MAN ON P.A.:

Attention, attention.

Scramble Bird Dog flight.

Scramble Bird Dog flight.

Vector 2-7-0.

Vector 2-7-0.

Go gate to angels 1.5.

Angels 1.5.

It's so lovely

and peaceful up here.

As though we're the only

people in the world.

Well, aren't we?

Ned.

Ned!

Did you see what I saw?

-I hope not!

-Let's run that again.

Roger.

Here they come again!

Let's get out of here!

Hello, Flag Down.

This is Bird Dog Leader.

I have a visual on that bogey.

Well, speak up, man.

What is it?

I don't think you're

going to like this, sir.

What's the matter?

Give me that bogey report!

It's a Model T, sir.

A what?

A Model T Touring Car.

Only it's flying!

Bird Dog Leader,

I suggest for your own sake

that you take another look.

I can't, sir.

It's gone into a cloud.

And it won't come out!

What's the procedure, sir?

I think I'll let

the colonel handle this one.

Yes, Flag Down?

Well, go on, Captain.

Go on.

A flying what?

Cut the clowning Flag Down.

The C.O.'s here.

-What's going on, Colonel?

-Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

It's Flag Down.

Just a question of procedure.

Give me that.

What's all this?

Don't you know your job, man?

Don't interrupt me.

It might interest you to know

the general staff has worked out

exact procedure

for every possible situation.

There's nothing could happen --

A flying what?

-Looks like they've gone.

-Good.

Can we get out of here now?

This is ruining my hairset.

Darling, you never looked

more beautiful.

Gentlemen.

It's quite simple, really.

Obviously, a Model T cannot fly.

It must be something

disguised as a Model T.

I am declaring

a Condition Yellow.

Let's move, Colonel.

How lovely it is.

Makes you feel proud,

doesn't it?

Washington's a great city.

There's something for everyone.

Look at all those people

down there!

I think they're staring at us.

BRAINARD:

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I can't hear what

they're yelling.

Hi, down there!

Oh, Ned!

Look out!

Kind of hits you between

the eyes, doesn't it?

Look!

There's Grant's Tomb.

I think Grant's Tomb

is in New York, dear.

I believe that's

the Jefferson Memorial.

You mean Monticello?

Betsy, I think there's

a map in the side pocket.

Will you see if you

can find the Pentagon?

It has five sides

and a big parking lot.

I doubt if it's on here, dear.

This map is from the year 1 9 1 7.

Hmm? Oh!

Well.

Oh, there's the Capitol!

Won't that do?

The Capitol.

When you think of all

the history made there.

Now, don't forget, you're

making history right now.

Oh, you think so?

I hope they don't make a fuss.

MAN ON RADIO:
We interrupt to

bring you an emergency bulletin.

This is the commanding officer,

Sector Air Defense,

speaking on all commercial

and military wavelengths.

Attention!

An unidentified flying object

is over the city.

I don't see anything.

No. Nothing up here but us.

COMMANDING OFFICER:

Every defensive missile

-in the area

-Us!

is trained on the flying object.

If it does not identify itself,

it will be shot down

immediately.

They wouldn't dare!

Oh, yes.

Yes, they'd dare.

COMMANDING OFFICER:

This is your last warning.

Identify yourself

or we will open fire.

Ready at Fort Mead?

Missile batteries

locked on target, sir.

Repeat!

Are you listening,

unidentified flying object?

We are waiting

for your response!

I am responding!

I'm Professor Brainard!

At the count of 10,

we open fire.

Don't bother to count, general!

I'm an American!

See? My credit cards!

Three...

Four...

Wait!

You're not gonna

stand for that, are you?

Five...

Yes.

Six...

Seven...

Sir, Fort Mead reports he's

gone behind the Capitol dome.

-Eight...

-Congress is in session.

If you fire, we might lose every

senator and congressman.

Nine...

And they've just put

a new front on the building.

Hold your fire.

Well, why try

to pass the buck to me?

Just because it looks like a...

What?

Well, I don't care

if it is a Model T!

Shoot it down!

Right, right.

And if you happen to see

a Stutz Bearcat

or a Pope-Toledo

flying over the Capitol,

shoot them down, too.

As a personal favor,

won't you please

identify yourself?

Professor, this is the admiral.

Proceed to Anacostia

Naval Air Station.

This is General Singer.

You fly to Bolling

Air Force Base.

This is the Army.

Report to Fort Myer.

-Anacostia Naval Air Station!

-Bolling Air Force Base!

-Bolling Air Force Base!

-Fort Myer!

Now hear this!

Anacostia.

They had their chance.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes