The Accidental Husband

Reesa from Manhattan,

you're on the air.

I date a lot of guys.

I mean, a lot.

I've had more blind

dates than a...

seeing eye dog. You know why?

- I'm on tenterhooks, shoot.

I'm looking for

the real thing...

you're talking about,

but I wanna feel love.

The kind where you're

so delirious...

you can barely breathe or eat.

I'm waiting for Prince

Charming who...

will pick me up,

sweep me off my feet,

- slam me into a

wall, and bang my...

Let me stop you

right there, Reesa.

First, I don't think love...

is supposed to deny

you of your food...

or oxygen supply.

Love is supposed

to nourish you.

Well, I'm just saying

I want the fairy tale.

I want the excitement,

the romance,

you know?

Yeah, I do. This

Prince Charming...

of yours doesn't exist.

He's good for a few

nights in the sack,

but his charm will run thin,

which is what charm does.

Well, I hear ya,

Dr Lloyd, but what

I'm saying is that I

want to be deeply...

- and passionately in love.

You want to be

passionately in love.

I see. You know who's

a bigger flake...

than your buddy,

Prince Charming?

His brother, Prince Passion.

Reesa, if you are

truly serious...

about wanting to find real

and lasting love in this town.

I'm gonna have to dish out

tough love to you now.

- Uh-oh.

This serial dating of yours...

is a waste of time. You can't...

find something when

you don't know...

what you're looking for.

You're playing

the field, right?

Hoping that somebody

will want you,

when it's you who

needs to figure out...

what it is you want.

Anybody can fall in love,

but what you deserve

is a man with...

the emotional maturity

to stay in love.

Don't settle for a boyfriend...

when you can demand

a manfriend.

I'm not really the

demanding type.

Don't go there, Reesa.

Hear what she's

doing, listeners?

That is the sound of a woman

who settles for second-best.

Why do we do that? I mean,

deep down we know

we deserve better,

so why do we keep lowering

our standards?

I devote a chapter...

to this in my new

book, Real Love,

which come to stores

on Wednesday.

I've finally learned

that unless...

you demand real

love for yourself,

you're going to get

seriously hurt out there.

But how am I supposed to know

if love is real or not?

Spell it out for yourselves.

R:
is he responsible?

E:
is he your equal?

- A:
is he an adult?

- Are you freakin' blind?

- And most of all,

L:
is he loving?

That's a ridiculous call.

- Know anybody like that?

- Not really.

Hold out for it, Reesa.

You'll be so glad you did.

Oh, Dr Lloyd, you

are such a lifesaver.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

All right, next caller.

- Patrick. Come on.

- Where'd she go?

Hopefully, she went

to buy you a muzzle.

Keep your mouth

quiet next time.

- Move it, move it.

- If there is a next time.

Showtunes.

Showtunes.

- More showtunes.

- I like showtunes.

- Obviously. It's sad.

- Oh, there's the love doctor.

- I hate that lady.

- My lady loves this.

- Mine, too.

- Your... your who?

I mean my mother.

- What is that?

- You're a beast.

Next caller.

Sofia of Astoria,

you're on the air.

- Hi. Hi, am I on?

Yeah. Yeah, here

we are. Let's go.

I'm supposed to be

getting married this...

weekend, and I'm having

second thoughts.

- Second, third, fourth?

- What do you mean?

Thinking about calling

this off a while?

Well, I took your

online compatibility...

test, and I scored a 12.

OK. That test helps predict...

long-term

compatibility, caller.

- You're right to

consider this...

Sofia?

... very, very carefully.

Forty-three per cent

of marriages end in divorce.

All right? You

don't want that.

How long have you

known this guy?

About five months, but he's...

a really good guy

and all, and...

But... but... five months?

Sofia, are you scared

of being alone?

- I guess so, maybe, yeah.

'Cause you know

what's scarier...

than being alone?

You know what's worse?

Being alone with the wrong guy...

for the rest of your

life. You got it?

Doesn't sound like

an average case of jitters.

Wait, are you saying

I should call off the wedding?

I'm running out

of time, caller,

but you know, deep inside,

what you need to do.

Thank you for calling.

Good luck.

Knock-knock.

- Mm, who's there?

This is your

publisher speaking.

- Mm, we don't want any.

- Read 'em and weep.

- Oh, really?

There's only one

way to find out.

No, no. I'm too nervous.

You read it.

'The doctor is in.

The first book from

local talk radio...

sensation Dr Emma

Lloyd, Real Love,

establishes Lloyd

as the latest...

khoja of modern romance.'

- Latest what? What

did they call me?

Khoja, apparently.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know how to spell it.

- K-H...

- What kind of word is khoja?

...O...

It's just showing off, really.

- OK.

- For a popular magazine...

to review a self-help book...

and pull out a

word like 'khoja',

'from the Turkish 'hoca':

A, a title of

respect for teacher.

- B, a wise man.'

- Or woman.

Oh. Or 'C, a sub-sect...

of ancient Ismaili

assassins.' Hm.

- Iets go with A, for teacher.

- I don't know.

The assassin thing,

I wouldn't throw that out.

- I love New York Magazine.

- Geniuses.

- Should I write

a thank-you note?

Send a fruit basket.

Mm. I love fruit.

Yeah, well, that's...

why I'm marrying

you, my khoja.

We're not done.

We're not done

with comments...

- Ah.

- OK.

OK. Let's see.

'Dr Lloyd's analysis of love's...

dos and don'ts is

both insightful...

- and trenchant.'

Trenchant. What

does that mean?

Is that some kind

of fancy word...

for 'full of sh*t?' Trenchant?

- Direct and incisive.

- Gimme a break, smart-ass...

What? I saw it on Jeopardy.

Why didn't they just say,

'Read the book,

ruin your life?'

Read the sports

page to us, huh?

'Physical gifts can offer...

such insightful

observations...

into the human heart

is a thing of wonder.'

- Whoa. Trouble, one o'clock.

'She is chicken soup

for the heart.'

Oh, my ass.

- Hey. Hey, Sofia. Sof.

- Uh-oh. Here we go.

I'm reading about that

lady that helped...

you plunge a knife

through my heart.

- Very trenchant stuff.

- I can't talk right now,

- because I gotta

be someplace.

We'll give you a ride.

Hey, fellas. Stop the truck.

Sof, come on.

You haven't returned

any of my calls.

- Well, I've been busy.

- Sofia, give the guy a break.

Talk to him, Sof.

Oh, don't do that, Sof.

Come out here. Sofia.

Please come out here

so that we can talk.

No, no, no, not you, sir.

You can put your hands down.

- Firemen. We don't

arrest people.

We'll hose you down.

Sof. I'm not gonna go anywhere

until you come out here.

I don't understand. You know,

one minute we're

gettin' married,

talkin' about

names for our kids,

and the next, because

some fruitcake...

- She's a doctor.

- Of what, Sof?

Of what? Talk to me, here.

Patrick, it's over.

I'm sorry.

OK? It's over.

I gotta go.

All right, show's

over, folks. Let's...

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