The Accidental Husband Page #2

keep it movin'. What

are ya lookin' at?

I met someone I like, but all...

my friends tell me

he's wrong for me.

- What do your friends say?

- We have nothing in common.

It's just the sex.

I'm just running away

from many more...

appropriate men who pursue me.

- Because...

- Afraid of the real thing?

So they say.

- There's Patrick.

- Oh, Patrick.

- Patrick...

- Quiet. Leave the man alone.

Can you not see

that his heart is broken?

How can he eat when the woman...

that he loved

abandoned him forever,

virtually without explanation...

and may be, at

this very moment,

cuckolding him with

some other man.

- Good night, everybody.

Cuckolding? What's that mean?

- Hey.

- I'll be right with you.

I'm giving Ann Coulter's...

frequent flyer miles

to Michael Moore.

Ajay, come on, man.

This hacking's

getting out of hand.

- You can get into

serious trouble.

Too late. Bon

voyage, Mr Moore.

See the clipping

on love doctor's wedding?

Who in their right mind

is gonna marry her?

- Whoever we want.

- What do you mean?

Check this out.

- Who's that?

- That's her.

- The love doctor?

I got it off her

birth certificate.

- Oh, I don't know

about this, Ajay.

What are you talking about?

All you ever do is walk

around muttering...

about giving her a

piece of your mind...

or letting her have it

or fixing her wagon.

OK, for one, I've never said,

'Fix her wagon.'

If you've moved on,

that's different,

and I'm happy you

finally put this behind you.

Wait, whoa.

Maybe me tellin'

her how I feel...

and holdin' her

accountable would be,

you know, important

for my growth...

or whatever. What

do you think?

What am I, your

yogi? I thought...

you just wanted

a little payback.

- Let's do it.

- Nice.

Oh, no.

Now you're married.

I'm married.

- I'm what?

- Already married.

- According to who?

- 'According to whom.'

- The state of New York.

- That's impossible.

- I have never been married.

You must have the

wrong Emma Lloyd.

Emmaline Willing Lloyd?

Your real name is Emmaline?

A lot of things

you don't know about her.

- How do we fix this?

Annulment forms.

Fill them out.

Have them notarised.

Bring them back.

- I can't believe

I didn't know.

Your husband needs

to sign them.

- Fianc.

- Husband.

- I don't have a husband.

Then who is Patrick

Thomas Sullivan...

- of Astoria, New York?

- Who is he?

- I don't know.

- He's your husband.

His address is right there.

- Astoria?

- Queens.

I know a lawyer

who can sort this out quietly.

- I'm sure that

won't be necessary.

It will. I've got

a book to launch.

Yours, I might add.

- You don't think

I was married.

No. It's not that.

It's just the timing

of this could not be worse.

- I know.

I'm recalling 70,000 copies...

of a moving memoir...

by a new author that

we've trumpeted...

as the next Maya

Angelou who turns out...

to have plagiarised...

Guess who?

...Maya Angelou.

- I forgot about that one.

I didn't. The headline

'Love Doctor:
A polygamist'

- just flashed before my eyes.

- Hold these.

On top of everything,

Bollenbecker take-over.

They haven't announced

which publishers...

they'll keep and dump.

So one self-help author...

who can't seem to

help herself...

from being married,

Abdington Books

could be history.

I understand

completely. Trust me.

I'll take care of it.

Everything will be fine...

Oh, no, darling.

Naughty choc-y.

- You don't need this.

You're right.

Moment of weakness.

- Go get 'em.

- Taxi. Bye, sweetie.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Excuse me?

You're not Patrick

Sullivan, are you?

- You are? No.

- May I help you?

- I hope so. Is this

230133rd Street?

Yes. It is.

I'm looking for someone

who lives here...

by the unlikely name,

Patrick Sullivan.

Patrick.

Keep going, tall

lady. Keep going.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, sir? Officer?

Hello.

Hey. Hey, I'm sorry...

No, no, no. That's

fine. Um, can you...

tell me how I can find

Patrick Sullivan?

- We couldn't get

that lady out.

She weighed 500 pounds.

- She knocked you

with her skillet.

Frying pan.

- Patrick?

- Yeah. Ah.

You won't believe this.

That home-wrecking lady...

from the radio walked in here.

- I believe you.

- Can I help you?

- What's she doin'?

Looking for Patrick Sullivan.

- I was told he might be here.

- Right over there.

- She looked over.

- What are you havin'?

- Um, whatever he's having.

- I'll bring it right over.

It's walkin' right this way.

- It's takin' its coat off.

- How do you do?

It just looked at me again.

It's comin' over here.

It's comin' right for me.

What does it want?

Patrick Sullivan?

You're not an

easy man to find.

- I'm Emma Lloyd.

It thinks I'm

you. Help me out.

Hey, I, uh... I

dropped my chalk.

I'm Patrick Sullivan.

- This is my opponent,

Larry Berlson.

Oh. Mr Sullivan. Mr Berlson.

How do you do?

I'm here for the

oddest reason.

- We all are.

- Here you are.

- Mine?

- Mind if I interrupt?

- Knock yourself out.

- I didn't mean...

- Don't play?

- Yes.

Then you're stripes.

Down the hatch.

- No, no, Mr Sullivan.

I'm here to...

You don't drink?

You don't play pool?

Perhaps I can get

you an herbal tea?

Nine in the corner.

We need another round.

Mr Sullivan. Something

very unfortunate has happened,

- and it could make

a mess of my life.

I'm sorry to hear that.

- It's certainly

not your fault.

It's your shot.

Um, all right.

Well, how can I explain?

You see, um, uh,

I'm about to be married.

That is too bad.

Congratulations on

the other thing.

We got a bride in our midst.

Thank you. That

won't be necessary.

It's necessary. I feel a toast

coming on. Wait a second.

- I know you.

- Excuse me?

Yeah, yeah.

Real Love With Dr Emma Lloyd.

- You're that lady

I hear on the radio.

Yes, of course.

You found me out.

- Have you ever

been on television?

Um, no, but I have

a book coming out.

- I love television.

My girlfriend never

misses your show.

Oh, well, has it been

helpful in your relationship?

Oh, you have no idea.

It's completely

changed our lives.

- Oh, really? That

is so nice to hear.

Yeah. Tony. Here you go.

- To the bride and

ever-changing life.

To the bride.

To the bride.

Mr Sullivan, as I was saying,

you see, I'm about

to be married.

Be careful.

Forty-three per cent...

of marriages end in divorce.

That's right. It's all...

about picking the

right partner.

- So true. It's so true.

In order to do

that, my fianc.

Richard, and I,

need a license

from New York...

- Richard from

dispatch? A**hole.

So on an otherwise

lovely morning,

- we go to city hall...

- To Emma and Richie.

Richard.

- And I don't want any more.

- Hey, you're right.

Don't want Richie to see...

you hammered before

your wedding.

Tony. Give me

that herbal tea over here.

Herbal tea, coming up.

Very funny, Mr

Sullivan. Very funny.

- I'll have you know

I don't get drunk.

You don't?

No. My father taught

me a good trick...

to hold one's liquor.

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