The Accidental Tourist Page #2

...for everyone except those

afraid of heights...

...and even for them, if they will avoid

the following stations.

It's mystifying why all hotels

throughout the world choose only...

...the most abrasive fabrics

for their bedspreads.

London is among

the better foreign destinations...

...in the important category

of hotel plumbing.

The British have only mixed success

with American cuisine...

...but the traveller with persistence

can find a meal in London...

...not much different from a meal

in Cleveland.

Here you are, guvnor.

Just as sold at the Yankee Stadium.

Have a nice day.

- Can I help you?

- I'm here for my dog.

- Your last name?

- Leary.

Oh, just a minute.

Hi there. How was your trip?

Oh, it was...

Where's Edward? Is he all right?

Sure, he's all right.

We got on like a house afire.

Seems he took a shine to me.

I couldn't say why.

That's wonderfuI. So...

- ...could I have him back, please?

- Caroline will bring him.

- Maybe I could pay.

- Yes.

That will be $42.

Thank you.

Signature and phone.

I don't know if I mentioned before

that it so happens I train dogs.

Is that right?

- That home phone or your business?

- Both.

Why? What difference does it make?

I was just wondering.

My speciality is dogs that bite.

Specialty. Webster prefers specialty.

- That must be dangerous.

- Not for me. I can handle anything...

...dogs that haven't been treated right,

even split personality.

- Split personality?

- Your dog is nice to you but kills others.

- Come on.

- Not that he would bite me.

- He just fell in love with me.

- I'm glad to hear it.

I could train him

not to bite other people.

Think about it and give me a call.

MurieI, remember?

MurieI Pritchett.

Let me give you my card.

Oh, well, I'll bear that in mind.

Thank you very much.

Or just call for no reason. Call and talk.

- Talk?

- Sure.

Talk about Edward, his problems.

Talk about anything.

- Don't you ever get the urge to do that?

- Not really.

- Yeah?

- Dad?

Dad?

Ethan?

Where are you?

I'm at camp, Dad.

You never came to get me.

But we thought you were dead.

Why would you think that?

We have, coming up,

brand-new pieces of gold...

...brand-new Capodimonte

and two gorgeous rings.

Bob, guess what ring I have.

My mom's and my favourite...

...this is the beautiful

one-carat diamond swirl cluster ring.

Take a look at this ring.

It is gorgeous. I have the-

- Leary.

- Macon, it's Muriel.

- MurieI?

- Muriel Pritchett.

Oh, yes.

From the vet's, who got on so good

with your dog.

- Oh, right.

- I was just wondering how Edward was.

- Looks all right to me.

- No problems?

Well, he's developed this new symptom.

He gets angry when I leave the house.

He starts barking and showing his teeth.

He ought to be trained.

Tell you what, maybe I could just

come around and discuss it.

- I don't think-

- Or you could come to my place.

I'd fix you supper.

Macon, what do you say?

I think for now I'll just try

to manage on my own.

Well, I can understand that.

Believe me, I've been through that stage.

So, what I'll do is, I'll wait for you

to get in touch.

Yes, that would be good.

- Goodbye.

- I don't wanna be pushy-

This is a porcelain rocking horse

and a music box.

This is handcrafted porcelain.

Hand-painted and gorgeous.

Nine inches high. $59, a very low-

If you wanna come down, come.

Otherwise, go away...

...but stop that pitifuI whimpering.

This basement is not haunted.

That ought to do nicely.

Buck up.

That's the stuff, Edward.

Don't give up, Edward. We can make it.

Come on.

There is something elementally

comforting to the business traveller...

...about that moment when his flight

touches down once again...

...at his own airport.

After a demanding journey,

even the most impersonal terminal...

...can seem as welcoming

as an ancestral home.

I don't think anyone else

has any idea where I am.

- What do you mean?

- I've come over here to stay for a while.

- Does it matter?

- Should you tell Sarah?

It's nice to be so...

...unconnected.

I wish things could stay that way.

Why can't they?

Well, you know, someone will call here,

Sarah or someone.

- We could just not answer the phone.

- What? Let it ring?

Why not?

Not answer it ever?

Most who call me are neighbours.

They'll pop over if no one answers.

I won't miss it.

Let it ring.

You stinker!

Hypodermic.

You're a reaI stinker, Rose.

Disinfectant.

- You got it.

- I know.

Doctors and nurses.

Nurse.

There you go.

Down! Down, dog!

Macon!

Help!

Call him off, damn it!

Edward!

Call off your dog!

Edward, stop that. Who is that?

This is your employer, Macon.

Julian?

Come here, Edward.

Come on. Come on.

Come here.

Come on. Come on.

I really hate a man

with an obnoxious dog.

I don't hate just the dog,

I hate the owner.

I'm sorry about this. I thought he was

off on a walk with my brother, Porter.

- What happened to your leg?

- I broke it.

I can see that. But how?

Well, it's kind of hard to explain.

How did you find me here?

From the return address

on the chapters you sent me.

Very interesting.

Do you realize how late you're running

with this guidebook?

Edward, cut it out!

This is quite a place.

It was my grandparents' house.

I grew up here.

Where's Sarah?

- Who?

- Your wife, Macon.

Oh, she and I are...

She has this...

...apartment downtown.

You've split?

Yeah.

Jesus, Macon.

- What went wrong?

- Nothing.

It turns out these things can happen

for no particular reason.

Hush, now.

Hello.

Hello.

Julian Hedge, this is my sister, Rose,

and my other brother, Charles.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

Here, let me help you with that.

- Charles, how do you do?

- Hello.

Macon Leary with a sister

and brothers too.

Who would've guessed?

That Macon Leary had a family...

...just never entered my mind somehow.

I'm right here, Julian.

Yes, I do see a family resemblance.

You're Macon's publisher. I'm the one

who mailed you Macon's chapters.

- Oh, yes.

- I'm supposed to send you some more...

...but first I have to buy 9 by 12

envelopes. All we've got left is 10 by 13.

It's terrible when things

don't fit precisely.

They get all out of alignment.

We wouldn't wanna keep you, Rose.

Oh, no. Here, I'll take that.

The Macon Leary 9 by 12 envelope crisis.

Oh, Julian, drop it.

Sorry.

You know, Macon, if you'd just let me

know what was going on in your life.

I had no idea.

Look, if you want another-

I don't know, another month?

Oh, nonsense.

What's a missing wife or two, right?

Here, let me get what I've typed

and you can check it.

Just what I thought.

You monster, do you know how long

I've been looking for you?

Great.

Call it something catchy.

The Reluctant Tourist.

And you are the fella

to write it.

But I hate to travel.

I thought so.

So do businessmen.

They would rather be at home

in their living rooms.

So you will be helping them

to pretend...

...that that's where they are.

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