The Accidental Tourist Page #3

What do you think?

Your logo. You get it?

While armchair travellers

dream of going places...

...travelling armchairs

dream of staying put.

After this, I want you to start

on New York and the Northeast again.

So soon?

It's been three years, Macon.

Edward! Stop it!

Macon, did he get you?

- I wouldn't have a dog like that.

- He's never done that.

I'd call the SPCA or the dogcatcher.

Tell them you want him done away with.

Just go, Julian.

Hold on, hold on.

We have a couple more limas.

Yeah, we do.

What do we have next?

Now I need M's or N's,

anything starting with those.

Then how about these noodles?

N for noodles.

P for pasta?

E for elbow macaroni. You might

have passed those up earlier, Porter.

Rose?

Rose?

It seems Edward's given me

a little sort of nip.

- Oh, Macon.

- How did it happen?

It was an accident,

but I think I need an antiseptic.

- You need a tetanus shot.

- You need to get rid of that dog.

He didn't mean any harm.

Takes your hand off

and he means no harm?

You should get rid of him, I tell you.

- Well, I can't.

- Why not?

Come on, boy. Yeah!

Ethan, you think

you could do that outside?

Right.

I just can't get rid of him,

that's all.

Macon, come sit down.

Let me see what I have.

Maybe we could send him

to obedience schooI.

Edward, sit.

Now, you kind of cluck

your tongue.

They get to know a cluck means praise.

When I hold my hand out, see...

...that means he has to stay.

Stay.

That was very good.

He's supposed to wear this

till he's trained.

That way, you can yank him back

whenever he does something wrong.

Here you go.

Make him sit.

Sit.

Poke him down.

- He doesn't take you seriously.

- I know that.

Years ago, I saw this ad in the paper:

Make extra money in your off-hours.

A dog-training firm

that went to people's houses.

Doggie Do, it was called.

Don't you just hate that name?

Who's the lady?

Lady?

I saw a lady walking

through the kitchen.

Oh, that's Rose.

- Is she your ex-wife, or what?

- She's my sister.

Your sister.

This house belongs to her.

I don't live with anybody either.

You can release him now.

Pardon?

Release your dog.

What do you do for a living?

I write.

- Travel guidebooks.

- Travel guides!

Lucky. I love to travel.

Oh, travel.

It's just red tape, mostly.

Ticket lines, customs lines.

Should Edward be barking that way?

If I could go anywhere,

I'd go to Paris.

It sounds so romantic.

Paris, actually, is terrible.

Everybody's impolite.

Take me with you next time.

I could show you the good parts.

I have a very limited expense account.

I never even took my wife.

My wife.

I was only teasing.

You think I meant it?

Oh, no.

That'll be $ 14.40, including

the leash and the choke chain.

You have to practice what he's learned.

No one else can practice for you.

You can pay me the other

Sit.

Are you absolutely clear about this?

Yes. I know exactly where we are.

I have the address right here.

- Now, I'll be back in one half hour.

- Are you sure?

Macon, please. I'm just going

around the corner. Now, goodbye.

The Accidental Tourist on Crutches.

I guess I'll be going.

My sister's picking me up.

Rose? She's coming here?

I'd like to see her.

Macon, do me a favour.

Couldn't you invite me

to a family dinner?

Well, we're really not much

for socializing.

Wouldn't have to be anything fancy,

just whatever you eat normally.

What do you eat, normally?

Or I'll bring the meaI myself.

You could lock up your dog

and I'll come spend the evening.

We'll see.

Whenever my dad said that,

it meant no.

When I was in high schooI,

I made nothing but A's.

You're surprised at that, aren't you?

Now, this is the heeI command.

You think I'm kind of,

like, not an intellect.

- I know you're surprised.

- No, I'm not.

Now, he's supposed

to match his pace to anything I do.

Slow, fast, anything.

Sit!

HeeI!

Good.

I think he's got the hang of it.

Now you.

Yank that leash!

He knows what he's supposed to do.

Good. Don't forget to cluck. Every

little minute you have to praise him.

Pick up that slack!

Cluck!

This is a bit more difficult

with crutches.

I once taught a man who had no legs

and only one arm.

- And he had a Great Dane.

- Really?

You're not in such bad shape.

I have to get going.

That'll be $5, please.

Plus the 4 cents

you owe me from yesterday.

Next time I'll stay longer and talk.

That's a promise.

It is an unfortunate fact that even

the most conscientious traveller...

...cannot be prepared

for every encounter.

At such times,

one must remain calm...

...and rely upon one's

innate common sense.

- Hello, Rose.

- Hello, Julian.

Come in.

I've brought some materials

for Macon.

- Do I hear that dog?

- Yes, he's in the back yard.

Hello, Julian.

Hi, guys.

- Hope I'm not interfering with supper.

- No, no.

- We're finished.

- Really?

What time do you eat, anyhow?

We haven't had our coffee.

Wouldn't you like some coffee?

I'd love some.

Well, that seems a little silly,

if you haven't eaten.

For me, home-brewed coffee's

a reaI treat.

Everybody in my apartment

building eats out.

There's nothing in their kitchens...

...but a couple of cans of soda

and some peanuts.

- What kind of place is that?

- It's the Calvert Arms.

It's a singles' building.

Everybody's single.

What an interesting idea.

Well, not really.

Sometimes I wish for the

old-fashioned way of doing things...

...with children and old people,

like normaI buildings.

Well, of course you do.

I'm going to get you

some nice, hot coffee.

Here you go.

Where's Porter?

We're not sure. He went to a hardware

store. We think he got lost.

- Good grief! When did this happen?

- A little while before supper.

Supper. You mean today?

He's running an errand

on Howard Street.

He's not lost

in any permanent sense.

He got lost on Howard Street?

It's a problem with this family,

directions.

- Really?

- Charles.

What?

Never mind.

I'll go help Rose.

Julian seems very nice.

He's here because he hopes

we'll do something eccentric.

I pray none of us says anything

unconventionaI around him.

What would we say?

We're the most

conventionaI people I know.

We bought every map

you can buy for Baltimore.

Alphabetized them, and still...

It's sad, really.

Oh, and what do you want

in your coffee?

Just black's fine.

Coffee, Macon?

No, thank you.

Here you go.

What do you do

for a living, Charles?

I make bottle caps.

- Bottle caps? Is that a fact.

- Well...

...it's not half as exciting

as it sounds, really.

And, Rose, do you work?

Yes, I do.

I work at home.

I keep house for the boys.

Also, I take care of the older neighbours.

They need me to repair their plumbing.

You repair their plumbing.

What do you think?

It could be, Porter.

But he knows we wouldn't answer.

Yes, he'd surely call

a neighbour instead.

On the other hand...

Do you always give this much thought

to your phone calls?

Now, where exactly

is the Calvert Arms?

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