The Accidental Tourist Page #5

- Me?

- I don't want to.

- Just let him watch.

Then he won't know how

to fix the one in the bathtub...

...and I'm going to ask him

to manage that without me.

That's it. Hard!

Good.

Good. Good.

Look at that.

WonderfuI!

I think you may have naturaI talents.

Now, take off the faucet head...

...and there is the culprit.

That has to be re-taped.

Then we take this wrench

to tighten this up.

- Now what?

- Go ahead and turn that valve.

There we go.

- Now what?

- Now we turn the water back on...

...and see what

kind of job you've done.

Look at that!

You've solved the problem.

Now, when you're grown,

you can fix the faucets for your wife.

Step back, dearie, you can say.

Just let me see to this.

Let a reaI man take care of this.

Good. Really excellent materiaI.

I'd like to show you something, Macon.

Your sister's Christmas present.

- What is it?

- It's an engagement ring, Macon.

- Engagement?

- I wanna marry her.

- You want to marry Rose?

- I'm gonna ask her at Christmas...

...when I give her the ring.

I wanna do this properly.

Old-fashioned.

- You think she'll have me?

- Well, I really couldn't say.

Well, she's got to. I'm 36 years old,

Macon, but I tell you...

...I feeI like I'm a schoolboy

around that woman.

You may laugh at this,

but I love the surprise of her.

And I'm surprised by myself

when I'm with her.

I'm not exactly the person

that I thought I was.

I'm afraid I'm gushing.

Want to know something?

I've never even slept with her.

Well, I don't care to hear about that.

I want us to have a reaI wedding night.

I want to do everything right. God...

...Macon, isn't it amazing how two

separate lives can link up together?

I mean, two differentnesses.

- What I really like is T-shirts.

- T-shirts.

The kind with a sort of

stretched-out neck.

I don't want it new.

Tell you what.

Everything we buy...

...we'll wash about 20 times

before you wear it.

- But nothing prewashed.

- No, no.

Only nerds wear prewashed.

Right.

- Shall I come with you?

- I can do it myself.

All right.

- Macon!

- Yes.

Laura Canfield.

Scott's mother, remember?

Of course.

Why, Scott.

- Hi.

- It's nice to see you.

- Yeah, me too.

- It's nice to see you.

- Are you doing your spring shopping?

- Oh, I...

I'm helping the son of a friend.

We're buying the sock department. Every

other week Scott runs through his socks.

You know how they are at this age.

Or rather-

Yes, it's amazing, isn't it?

I look great!

I think it's time we had a talk.

About what?

I'd like to know what you think

you're up to with this MurieI person.

Is that what you call her,

this MurieI person?

You're not yourself these days, Macon...

...and this MurieI person

is just a symptom. Everybody says so.

Who is everybody, anyway?

We're just worried for you, Macon.

Could we switch to some other topic?

- I had to tell you what I thought.

- Fine. You've told me.

Can you tell me

one unique thing about her?

I mean, one really

speciaI quality, Macon...

...not something sloppy like

she appreciates me?

I'm not such a bargain myself,

if you haven't noticed.

Somebody ought to

warn her away from me.

That's not true. That's not true at all.

I imagine her people

are congratulating her on her catch.

- Her catch.

- Well, someone to support her. Anyone.

She'd be lucky to find anyone.

She lives in that slummy house,

her boy looks like he has hookworm-

Porter, just shut the hell up.

Hey, you guys, let me catch up!

Creep.

Wait up for me!

- Hey, guys!

- Get lost, Pritchett!

- We don't need you around here.

- Come on, let me catch up!

Go itch it, Pritchett!

You heard me. Get lost!

- Itch it, Pritchett. Pritchett, itch it.

- Go.

Watch out!

Pritchett, itch it.

Hiya, boy. How you doing?

Good boy!

Good dog, Edward.

Are you all right?

- What was that all about?

- Nothing.

Even the most disciplined

professional traveller...

...may sometimes stumble across

that unexpected item he feels...

...he simply must take home.

That's fine, as long as one is willing

to accept the inconvenience...

...and awkwardness that come

with each additional piece of baggage.

I don't think Alexander's

getting a proper education.

He's okay.

I asked him to figure what change

they'd give back when we bought milk...

...and he had no idea. He didn't

even know he'd have to subtract.

- He's only in second grade.

- You should switch to a private schooI.

- Private schools cost money.

- So I'll pay.

What are you saying?

Pardon?

Are you saying you're committed?

Well, that's not really the point.

Alexander's got 10 more years of schooI.

Will you be around for that?

I can't put him

in a private schooI...

...and take him out again

on every passing whim of yours.

Just tell me this. Do you picture us

getting married sometime?

- When your divorce comes through?

- MurieI...

...marriage is...

I don't know.

You don't, do you?

You don't know what you want.

One minute you like me,

the next you don't.

One minute you're ashamed of me, the

next I'm the best thing to happen to you.

You think you can just

go along like this. No plans.

Maybe tomorrow you'll be here,

maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll just go on back to Sarah.

- AII I'm saying is-

- AII I'm saying is...

...take care what you promise my son.

Don't go making him promises

you don't intend to keep.

But I just want him to learn

how to subtract.

Shall I dry?

Just tell me this, Macon.

Be honest.

Why can't we get married in the fall?

You'll be separated a year then, Macon.

Hey, MurieI, please,

I'm not ready for this.

I don't think I ever will be.

I don't think marriage

ought to be as common as it is.

I really believe it ought to be

the exception to the rule.

Perfect couples could marry, maybe...

...but who's a perfect couple?

- You and Sarah, I suppose.

- No, no.

You are so selfish.

You are so self-centred!

You have all these fancy reasons

for never doing a single thing I want!

Macon's sister, Rose, is getting married.

You understand that, Alexander?

Now, don't be nervous, honey.

You're it! I'm coming to get you!

- No, you're not!

- You're it!

- Is that right?

- Yes, I did.

- What's this?

- Hey, look! Something for you.

Look out!

Hello, Macon.

- Hello, Sarah.

- Turned out to be a beautifuI day.

Yes. Yes.

I worried when it rained last night.

How've you been, Macon?

I've been all right.

How have you been?

Fine.

Well, good.

I know you're living with someone.

Yes, actually.

Yes, I am.

Rose told me when she invited me.

- How about you?

- Me?

- Are you living with anyone?

- Not really.

We're ready now.

Sarah's my matron of honour.

Did I happen to mention that?

No, you didn't.

Let's go.

Welcome, friends.

We are gathered here today

in this lovely garden...

...to join Rose Anne Leary

and Julian Hedge...

...in holy matrimony.

In turbulent, troubling times, a good

marriage can be the one safe place...

...we know we can go.

Once we've been to that place,

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