The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

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Help me.

And so, as the sun rose...

over the island of Cheese...

casting long shadows

through the sausage bushes...

illuminating the tops

of the honey trees...

and warming the fields

of smoked salmon...

I, Baron Munchausen...

who am renowned first and foremost

for telling the truth...

the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

For while it has been

my privilege--

- Tighter! Tighter!

- Hold steady!

How can you become

a great actress like me...

poor darling,

if you get blown to pieces?

- Come on!

- Native land.

Oh, yeah!

There to attempt the education...

of their provincial

and narrow-minded...

and stupidly incredulous

fellow countrymen...

we heaved anchor

and set sail.

We heaved anchor

and set sail!

The waves!

- Oh, bugger!

- We heaved anchor.

- We are actors!

- And set sail.

Where the devil

are the stagehands?

- Dead!

- They can't all have been killed!

Not killed, ducky.

Suicide!

Nothing to do

with your acting.

We heaved anchor--

But ill luck pursued me...

and I was blown towards

the waiting jaws...

of a whale of such prodigious size

and length...

that I could not,

even with a telescope...

see the end of him.

What will become

of the baron

Surely this time

there is no escape

What will become

of the baron

Surely this time there

Is no escape

I have learned

from experience...

that a modicum of snuff...

can be most efficacious.

Hells bells...

and buckets of blood!

Where were the waves?

The waves!

You've stabbed my vitals!

- You incompetent imbecile!

- It wasn't me!

It was her!

It wasn't me!

It was him! You big pintle!

We are supposed

to be professionals!

And we're trying

to stay alive!

- Sally!

- All right.

Now stay in here

or I shall lock you up.

- Where's my brother?

- What?

You haven't got a brother.

Then you just tell me why it says,

"Henry Salt and Son."

- I'm your daughter.

- I shouldn't have taught you to read.

"And Son" is traditional.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

No. The sultan's demands

are still not sufficiently rational.

The only lasting peace is one based

on reason and scientific principle.

I'm terribly sorry,

Mr. Jackson.

The first act didn't go

quite as we would have liked.

One or two little

technical problems.

Oh, please don't apologize, Mr. Salt.

I'm sure you're doing your best...

in very trying circumstances.

- Your attention.

- Hmm? Ah, excuse me.

The officer

who risked his life...

by single-handedly destroying

six enemy cannon...

and rescuing ten of our men

held captive by the Turk.

Yes, sir.

- The officer we've heard so much about.

- I suppose so, sir.

Always taking risks

far beyond the call of duty.

I only did my best, sir.

Have him executed at once.

- Yes, sir.

- Come along.

This sort of behavior is demoralizing

for ordinary soldiers and citizens...

who are trying to lead normal,

simple, unexceptional lives.

Things are difficult as it is without

emotional people rocking the boat.

Constantinople.

The court of the grand Turk.

What a surprise...

that a passing zephyr

should waft me here.

Perhaps fate wishes me...

to teach the sultan

a lesson or two.

His highness the sultan

loved a good wine...

and could never

resist a wager.

Characteristics

that were to cost him dear.

Lies!

Those scoundrels!

I won't put up with it!

It's intolerable!

Stop this travesty!

Stop it!

It's an insult!

An indignity!

I've never seen so much rubbish

in all my life!

You don't know

what you're talking about!

One day,

after a sumptuous dinner--

- Is this supposed to happen?

- The sultan bade me to accompany him..

to his private apartments.

Uh, please. No, don't.

Please.

This blackguard's an impostor!

I am the Baron Munchausen,

and I won't be made a fool of!

- Please! You cannot come up here!

- No, no!

- We are presenting a performance!

- You are presenting a mockery.

You present me as if I were

ridiculous fiction. A joke!

I won't have it!

What the devil's going on?

Curtains!

Boo!

Get him off!

Old fool!

You're ruining the show!

Quick! Jeremy, Bill,

do something!

I must talk with my audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must--

I must apologize

for this most dreadful occurrence.

I can assure you that--

- Hello.

- Hello.

Beautiful ladies.

Hello.

Beautiful ladies.

You have really

great taste, sir.

Otherwise,

it's all quite wrong!

Listen, cocky.

We've got a show to do.

Good lord! Berthold!

Who's Berthold?

How on earth?

It's marvelous to see you!

How are you?

Where've you been?

How are your legs?

Where are the others?

Albrecht!

Adolphus!

Gustavus!

I can't believe it!

This is miraculous!

- I'm Bill.

- He's Bill.

Is he still here? Will you get rid

of him, for goodness sake!

- What is the matter?

- I'm terribly sorry, sir.

- We were about to start the second act.

- Who is this?

I've no idea.

Some old lunatic.

He's Baron Munchausen.

Oh, I see.

The real Baron Munchausen.

Yes, indeed.

And who, sir, may I ask are you?

A public servant.

I am responsible for,

among other things...

the licensing of this theatre.

This, sir, is the Right Ordinary

Horatio Jackson who just happens...

to be winning the war

and saving the city.

Now please leave us!

- He's an ass. Only I can end this war.

- Explain yourself.

I can end it

because I began it.

I am the cause.

I'm afraid, sir, you have

rather a weak grasp of reality.

Your reality, sir,

is lies and balderdash...

and I'm delighted to say

that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!

This man obviously

needs a doctor.

A doctor?

We will continue

with the show.

Thank you very much,

Your Ordinaryness. Off!

Please be reasonable.

If we don't get on with it,

he'll throw us to the Turks

I'll get on with it!

Show them how it should be!

My lords...

ladies and gentlemen...

Baron Munchausen,

at your service.

Pruned any noses recently?

- Give us a song!

- No. Please.

Most of you won't remember me

or my adventures...

but I assure you...

they are true.

The truth is...

I am the cause of this siege.

- Don't be stupid!

- What about the Turks then?

You're the cause

of the border dispute, are you?

What? It's the sea routes

we're fighting for!

No, it isn't!

That was last time!

You poor deluded fools!

If you'll only

do me the courtesy...

of accepting the word

of a gentleman...

I will reveal the true cause...

of this war.

After my--

Oh, dear.

After my return from Egypt...

I was most warmly welcomed...

by the grand Turk...

his highness, the sultan...

who knew of my reputation...

and held me in high esteem.

In fact, so delighted

was he with my company...

that he offered me access

to his harem.

- One day...

- Go on!

the sultan brought me a bottle

of his favorite Tokay.

What do you think of that, eh?

Not bad.

Not bad?

My dear Munchausen...

it's impossible

to find better.

Humbug, Your Majesty.

What do you wager

that I won't procure...

within the hour, a bottle of Tokay

far superior to this...

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