The Adventures of Baron Munchausen Page #2

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from the imperial cellar

in Vienna...

a mere thousand odd miles away?

Accept my challenge.

If I don't succeed,

you may cut off my head.

These are my stakes.

What are yours?

I accept.

And if you succeed...

you may take as much treasure

as the strongest man can carry.

Agreed. Give me pen and ink, and I

will write to the empress immediately.

Berthold!

Coming!

Oh, blast!

Sorry, chaps.

I've got to go.

Take this to Vienna,

to the empress.

She will give you a bottle of wine.

Bring it straight to me.

Right-o.

Perhaps you would care for a little

light entertainment while you wait.

I have been composing

a short opera.

- Would you like to hear a song or two?

- No, thank you.

Oh, you'll love it.

It's a comedy.

It's called,

"The Torturer's Apprentice."

Here's the overture.

The curtain--

The curtain rises on a typical

everyday torture chamber.

Yosrick, the young apprentice,

sings of his joy in his job.

A torturer's apprentice

went his merry way to work one day

I bend and stretch and ply my trade

Making people all afraid

But things look black

Business is slack

There's no one on the rack but me

Act four

is set in an abattoir.

I see a lot of slapstick.

We begin with the arrival

of the eunuchs' chorus who sing...

"Cut Off in My Prime."

Cut off in my prime

Surrounded

By beautiful women

all the time

A eunuch's life is hard

And nothing else

Excuse me a moment.

Oh, you won't want

to miss this aria.

It reminds me

of my school days in England.

Life is rather like a game

It's important that you win

And though it seem

a terrible shame

If you lie and cheat

And sin

Lay up and win

The game

Steady.

Where the hell's Berthold?

- Don't know.

- I though he was with you.

Well, if he's not here

in three and a half minutes...

the sultan

will cut off my head!

- And?

- And?

Is that all?

I'm sorry,

I don't find that funny. Do you?

This isn't a joke!

It's a wager!

A wager!

He's asleep.

I can hear him snoring.

- About 900 miles away.

- Come on.

He's under a tree!

Near Belgrade.

- What?

- There's a bottle beside him.

- Hope he hasn't been at it.

- So do I.

What's the wind speed, Gus?

Three knots.

I'm a modern man

These days I find

you have to be

Awfully cruel to be kind

I'm a modern man

You will agree

It's either you or me

Well!

Time's nearly up, I think.

Ready.

Now!

- Not late, am I?

- No.

Not late,

thank you very much.

Thanks.

I needed a trim.

- Much obliged.

- From the empress.

Delicious!

You win.

Treasurer, allow my friend here

to take from the treasury...

as much as the strongest man

can carry.

Yes.

That's it.

Thanks, squire.

I must speak

with the sultan.

- What is it?

- Excellency! They've taken everything!

What?

Gustavus!

Stop them!

Bring them back!

Gustavus! Again!

Fire!

Don't shoot!

- Stand firm!

- Take cover, my friends.

Regroup!

Let me in!

And so...

as you can see,

the sultan is still after my head.

Hey, wait!

Stop! Don't go!

Come back!

There's more!

I haven't finished!

Don't leave now!

We're about to make off

with the sultan's treasure.

You can't just stop.

The name's Desmond, mate.

We're actors, not figments

of your imagination! Now get a grip!

Oh, come back!

What the devil is the sultan playing at?

It's Wednesday, isn't it?

I'm terribly sorry about the show.

One or two minor setbacks here, sir.

This theatre's closed. I want you

and your company out of the city.

Oh, no, sir! No!

No, sir. Please!

Give us a say! Sir, look at these

favorable endorsements from Europe.

"Mr. Salt's company holds a mirror

up to nature." "Vienna Clarion."

"Great value for money."

"Paris Echo."

"A good night out." "Glasgow Herald."

Just give us one second.

Here, boy.

Good boy. It's all right.

Here, boy!

Are you all right?

Am I dead?

No.

Blast!

Who are you really?

Baron Munchausen isn't real.

- He's only in stories.

- Go away! I'm trying to die.

Why?

Because I'm tired

of the world.

And the world

is evidently tired of me.

But why? Why?

Because it's all logic

and reason now.

Science. Progress.

Laws of hydraulics. Laws...

of social dynamics.

Laws of this, that...

and the other.

No place

for three-legged cyclops...

in the South Seas.

No place...

for cucumber trees...

and oceans of wine.

No place for me.

- What happened in the story?

- What?

In the sultan's palace.

Did you escape?

- Were you killed?

- I don't know.

It was all a long time ago.

Who cares?

I do.

I'm very tired. Good-bye!

- Please tell me.

- No.

- Go on.

- Buzz off!

Tell me!

Please.

You really want to know,

don't you?

Stop it!

We'll all be killed!

And then I'll never know

the end of the story!

Wait! Where are you going?

Come back!

Stop it!

Wait! Come back!

Take cover!

Wretched child!

Get that powder under cover!

Yes, sir!

No!

Stop it!

Get away!

Stop it!

Head down!

- No!

- You'll get us both killed.

I thought you wanted to die.

Yes, but I'm old enough.

Gentlemen!

Don't you think it would be a good idea

to silence those enemy cannons?

- No, sir.

- No?

It's Wednesday.

Oh, my-- Wednesday!

Oh, no!

The Turks are about

to storm the walls.

You really are Baron Munchausen.

That's it. The end.

It's all over.

Generations of theatrical expertise

snuffed out...

in the twinkling of an eye.

Sally?

Get off!

Come here.

You cretinous, senile

old fart!

Thanks to you,

we're to be thrown to the Turks!

But he is Baron Munchausen!

The real one!

- You must believe me!

- Hurry!

No, honestly! He is!

- Shut up!

- But he is!

And he can save us!

Can't you?

He jumped onto a cannonball.

He really did!

And he flew miles up into the sky!

- Above the elephants and soldiers--

- God! Stop lying!

I'm not lying! Am I?

As a matter of fact, you are.

But he did.

And those soldiers saw him too!

They'll tell you!

Oh, they're dead.

- But he did!

- No, I didn't.

Now you're lying!

I never lie!

Stay here!

What's got into you?

I didn't fly miles.

It was more like

a mile and a half.

And I didn't precisely fly.

I merely held on to a mortar shell

in the first instance...

and then a cannonball

on the way back.

You maniac!

You've done for us!

Actually, it doesn't matter

whether you're thrown out or stay here.

The Turks

are about to take the town.

Quickly!

Bring those guns out!

I'm just coming

into my prime!

I'm just on the cusp

between Romeo and King Lear.

My public will kill me

for dying at a time like this.

- Save us!

- Yes.

Save us!

- Don't disappoint me!

- Please, Baron. Please.

- You are a baron, aren't you?

- You're our only hope!

You are my only hope.

Ladies! Please!

I swear that as long as I...

Heronomous Carl Frederick,

Baron von Munchausen live and breathe...

you shall come to no harm.

You so remind me

of Catherine the Great...

empress of all the Russia's...

whose hand in marriage

I once had the honor to decline.

They all remind you?

Yes, why not?

Some bits here, some bits there.

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