The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension Page #16

The lighter in the Secretary's hand suddenly BEEPING, startling him and

prompting the President to claim the gizmo and point it at...

303

...an astounding TV-telephone where the FACE OF BUCKAROO BANZAI

APPEARS...

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

World Watch One. Direct incoming transmission.

BUCKAROO BANZAI ON TV

Hello, Mr. President. How's my favorite patient? Any tenderness?

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, Buckaroo. What's it

like out there in the real world?

Secretary of Defense McKinley stepping around behind the bed, coming

into Buckaroo's field of vision...

BUCKAROO BANZAI ON TV

Not too terrific, sir. I apologize for the interruption but something

very unusual has reared its ugly head in outer space, and it looks like

the Earth's caught in a crossfire.

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

You're gonna have to repeat that, I think, Buckaroo.

EXT. BUCKAROO'S BUS - NIGHT304

On a highway somewhere near the Eastern seaboard, Buckaroo's bus speeds

toward Yoyodyne...

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE/BUS - NIGHT305

Buckaroo standing at a TV-telephone in his MOBILE ELECTRONIC NERVE

CENTER, the arachtoidal John Parker right at his side amid a flurry of

activity... technicians accumulating INFO on THE ALIEN FATHER SHIP FROM

PLANET 10...

BUCKAROO BANZAI:

To cut right to the bottom line on this, sir, we have reason to believe

that there are moving freely among us, vicious red aliens disguised as

the owners and operators of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems.

...Perfect Tommy, Reno, even Casper Lindley, coming in and out of the

picture, transforming themselves into a crack commando unit donning

assault/chemical-warfare uniforms...little Scooter Lindley among them,

too, doing like his dad.

306

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE ON TV

Yoyodyne Propulsion? The people working on our Truncheon bomber?

Under control of alien nationals? Reds? Commies, you say?

307

...New Jersey studying an initial computer enhancement of THE AWESOME

BLACK ARACHTOID SHIP HEADED TOWARD EARTH...

308

BUCKAROO BANZAI:

Not exactly, Mr. Secretary, no. Real aliens. Giant red arachtoids

camouflaged as human beings...and what they're really building, forget

your Truncheon bomber, Mr. Secretary, is this enormous rocketship to

escape back through the Eighth Dimension and then on to Planet 10.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE ON TV

Now wait one second...

BUCKAROO BANZAI:

The gentleman standing here with me is called John Parker, and he can

corroborate everything I've said because he's from Planet 10 too.

INT. WALTER REED ARMY HOSPITAL - NIGHT309

The President dumbfounded...John Parker on TV appearing as nothing more

than a wild and wooly Rastafarian...

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

Buckaroo...you and I, we go back a long, long way together...but...

JOHN PARKER ON TV

(interrupting)

Time is short, Mr. President. To prevent John Whorfin's escape, my

comrades are at this moment taking up a geostationary position over New

Jersey. This situation is explosive!

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

Explosive? What are you saying, man? Some kind of race war in New

Jersey--?

BUCKAROO BANZAI:

No, sir. This 'man' as you call him, is not a human being, Mr.

President. He's a black arachtoid.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

That's some kind of spider, isn't it?

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE/BUS - NIGHT310

New Jersey joins Professor Hikita at a microscope, analyzing a slide

smeared with that weird alien 'blood'...

PRESIDENT WIDMARK ON TV

Buckaroo, my good friend...I'd like to help you...but don't you think I

would've heard from my SAC radar by now if...

INT. WALTER REED ARMY HOSPITAL - NIGHT311

BUCKAROO BANZAI ON TV

SAC wouldn't know what to look for, sir. Because these black

arachtoids are cleverly hidden inside a huge thundercloud.

The Secretary of Defense takes action, picks up a phone...

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

Get me John Bigboote at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems, Inc. Then...

(to the President)

...the FBI. Let's see if this spade's wanted. What the hell's his

name again? Jackson?

JOHN PARKER ON TV

Parker. I have delivered a hologram from my president, John Emdall,

who has made it clear that unless John Whorfin is destroyed at once,

she intends to fire an atomic beam from your American airspace...

BUCKAROO BANZAI ON TV

...hit Smolensk and precipitate a thermonuclear war, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

A what?

BUCKAROO BANZAI ON TV

A thermonuclear holocaust, sir. These creatures from Planet 10 are

ready to exploit Soviet-American tensions and get us to blow each other

off the face of the earth, sir, if necessary.

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

You're quite serious about this, aren't you, Buckaroo. We know each

other pretty well, I think.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

John...? John Bigboote? Right, Bigbooté, sorry. Anyway, hey, guy,

how's everything over there at Yoyodyne? How's my big bomber coming?

Nothing out of the, you know, ordinary? Spiders? I know you're

busy...lunch? Sounds good...when's good for you? Next Tuesday? I'm

writing it down in my book. See you then...Uncle Sam's treat.

The Secretary writes nothing down, hangs up, looking unsatisfied with

the conversation just concluded.

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE/BUS - NIGHT312

Buckaroo glancing over at Professor Hikita and New Jersey, the latter

squinting into the microscope...

PRESIDENT WIDMARK ON TV

Well. I don't know what to say, Buckaroo...aliens from Planet 10,

nuclear extortion, spiders in thunder clouds, a girl named "John"...

NEW JERSEY:

There's your answer! Electromagnetic bacterial crap!

PROF. HIKITA

Programmable!

NEW JERSEY:

We inhale the bacteria. It swims to our cerebral cortex and reprograms

our consciousness. Diabolical. We only see what they want us to see.

PROF. HIKITA

Electric brainwashing.

John Parker nearby, helping Reno synthesize more of Professor Hikita's

ARACHTOIDAL ANTIDOTE and pour the liquid into GAS MASK FILTERS...

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE McKINLEY STEPPING CLOSER INTO THE PICTURE...

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE ON TV

Just curious, Buckaroo, but where's the Jet Car at these days?

BUCKAROO BANZAI:

I've got it, Mr. Secretary. But unfortunately the Oscillation

Overthruster is in Penny Priddy's possession and she's been kidnapped

and taken to Yoyodyne, further exacerbating the situation. We're on our

way there right now.

INT. WALTER REED ARMY HOSPITAL - NIGHT313

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

Who the hell's Penny Priddy?

The Secretary of Defense giving the President a sly 'I told you so'

look...

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE/BUS - NIGHT314

Perfect Tommy coming over, interrupting...

PERFECT TOMMY:

Buckaroo, John Parker has the arachtoid cloud on line 2!

INT. WALTER REED ARMY HOSPITAL - NIGHT315

BUCKAROO BANZAI ON TV

Excuse me a moment, Mr. President. We're talking to the cloud right

now.

And his image fades.

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

Good God...

The President picks up the phone...

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say commit the man.

PRESIDENT WIDMARK

Get me SAC HQ:
Omaha, NORAD, and the Strategic Space Command. I want

some hard data on that cloud. We got any killer satellites over Jersey-

-?

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