The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

They call me Ford Fairlane,

rock 'n'roll detective.

I have the power

to get into the hottest clubs,...

..the hottest dressing rooms

and the hottest chicks.

I admit it all sounds pretty nifty in theory.

Then why am I here?

Why do I wish the music industry and the rest

of the globe would just suck my dick, Tracy?

I'll tell you why. It all startedfive nights ago.

I didn't know it yet, but I was about

to get a case of the Black Plague.

Not the disease that killed

a billion peasants in the 1300s.

Something much scarier.

("Rock 'n'Roll Junkie")

Hello, LA!

You see, this band, The Black Plague,

were considered the new kings of metal.

I thought they were just

some lucky a**holes from Reseda.

Anyway, tonight, this guy Bobby Black was

going to give the performance of his life.

I love you, Bobby!

I guess the poor superstar son of a b*tch

wasn't that lucky after all, hey?

In the meantime, I was miles away,...

..checking out a tip on the case

of the fanatic red-headedfan.

And making my entrance was unbelievable.

- (all gasp)

- Whoa! Was my fly undone?

I'm so terrifical I even had my own

toll-free number. 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

Ford. I gotta ask you to put that out, dude.

Nobody smokes any more.

Thanks, man.

- You son of a b*tch.

- Another satisfied customer.

Call me.

What goes for my sister goes double for me.

Don'tyou remember? The Jacuzzi, Laurel

Canyon - Guns N' Roses video wrap party?

Oh, yeah. The twins.

Butyou're not... identical, huh?

Hey, look. Write down my number.

- 555-6321. Got it?

- Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

Wait a minute. 555's not a real number.

They only use that in the movies.

No sh*t, honey.

What do you thinkthis is? Real life?

- Hey, it's Ford Fairlane.

- Easy money.

(both) Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

Couldn't find a handle on a coffee cup.

And what are your names?

Neil and Bob? Or is that, like, whatyou do?

- You guys driving tonight?

- Yeah.

Why don'tyou take Mulholland?

You'll love the curves. Now move.

Thank Godfor Don Cleveland.

He was the best producer in the biz,...

..the only guy in the industry

I could talk to withoutvomiting Day-Glo.

Ah. I hate that "Mr Rock 'n' Roll

Detective" bullshit, you know?

I'm a professional crime-fighter.

- I work for a living, you knowthat.

- (Don) What are you looking at?

Some redhead's bothering

that girl group, The Pussycats.

Been showing up at their concerts, saying he

wants to rape and kill 'em. Not in that order.

Hey, you're that guy. The private eye.

You're a poet and didn't know it. Oh!

- You heard that Bobby Black OD'd, right?

- Yeah. So?

So, do you suspect foul play and stuff?

I'll letyou know when somebody

pays me to give a sh*t and stuff.

My name is Melodi.

As in "A pretty girl is like a..."

Here's my phone number.

Whatever you're doing tomorrow...

Cancel. OK?

You got to shave before you

leave the house in a dress like that.

And I don't mean your legs.

Boy, whatyou gonna do?

Hey. You'd better have

that sambuca milkshake ready.

Here comes Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

- Hey, Ford.

- What's goin' on?

Harry. Shake me.

I hope you like it, Ford.

Precocious. Combustionable.

Harry... not thick enough.

Butyou're getting better.

- So how's Mutt and Mutt, huh?

- Hoo! Hoo!

- Who's your friend?

- Sh.

I'm just some guy named Sam, asswipe.

Sam. How cute.

Reminds me of that story,

Green Eggs and Ham.

"Will you eat them in a box?

Will you eat them with a fox?"

Know The Pussycats? Big Doctor Seuss fans.

- (nervous laugh)

- Especially the singer. What's her name?

- I'm drawin' a f***in' blank.

- (stammers) Josie.

Boy. Wonder if this could be our guy.

Deceitful b*tches.

Last dance,...

..Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective.

You're ten seconds away from

the most embarrassing moment of your life.

Something from our wine list?

Come on, Ford. This sh*t's gettin' old, man.

- (screams)

- Excuse me a moment.

So many a**holes.

So few bullets.

Clint Eastwood?

I f***ed him. Oh!

(gentle snoring)

("Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix)

Purple Haze all in my brain

Lately things just don't seem the same

Actin'funny, but I don't know why

Do my dishes!

As if my alarm clock wasn't enough,...

..it was time for my late afternoon

wake-up callfrom Jazz.

- Jazz was my assistant.

- (music stops)

Oh, thank God.

- Hello?

- Ford. Do you know what time it is?

And the only woman I treat with sensitivity.

Wonk, wonk. You sound like

Charlie Brown's friggin' teacher.

Why am I late? I was up all night

eatin' Swedish meatballs. Oh!

- I was doin' my job.

- That's a first.

- All right. I'll be in later.

- OK. Don't hang up, because...

- Where are my shoes?

- Hey, girls, what do you need over there?

- Come on.

- Ford, we just needed to be held.

You got the bonus plan.

("Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix)

Hey. Wait. Stop.

I'm coming. Hey.

Ow! What's goin' on, kid?

Hey, Fairlane. You gonna find out who

killed the lead singer of The Black Plague?

Tell me, Dr Watson. What makes you so sure

he's just not another piece-of-sh*t overdose?

- Gut feeling.

- Gut feeling, huh?

See those chicks?

Girl Scouts. Tooktwo boxes.

Hey. Get that outta your mouth!

Don'tyou knowthose things are killers?

Don'tyou go to school, or listen to Smokey

the Bear and all that kind of sh*t, huh?

(gasping)

You sick son of a b*tch.

Have a Twinkie, snapper-head.

I can't breathe in here, Fairlane.

When are you gonna let me work with you?

Why are you always f***in' with me?

Excuse me! You say the f-word again,

I'll bang you right the f*** out.

Do you understand me?

Now get the f*** outta here.

(muffled banging)

I've got something serious to discuss.

Yeah, what is it? Premature ejaculation? Ha!

You know, Ford,

sometimes you can be a real dick.

"Dick", "f***"... What kinda kid are you?

(muffled) Fairlane...

My office was at the Crossroads of the World.

The rent was high,

but it was worth it for those chicks.

Those big, fat chicks.

They say all the time,

you know I love your stuff

But no matter what,

they just can't get enough

- Hey, my man Slam.

- Yo. What's happenin'? Cool coat.

Why don'tyou take it across the street to the

7-Eleven? I'm poppin' a f***in' brain vessel.

If your big gulp-head producer clients

would dare to show a little brains,...

..they would sign my ass up on

that tour and I'd be touring the world.

1990 would be a most glorious year,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Hey, look. I'm only bullshittin'. You know

I dig the new stuff. It's f***in' phenomenal.

Some people are claustrophobic,

Fairlane. I'm allergic too.

So don't make it out like

I'm some kind of weirdo.

- You can't prove sh*t.

- Shut up.

Good morning.

She said, as the clock struck five.

Josie was hungry, so I sent The Pussycats

for food. They've been waiting.

They're only a double-platinum band.

They have nothing better to do, right?

Silence, Jazz. That tip paid off.

This is Sam the Sleazebag.

Sam the Sleazebag, Jazz.

- My assistant.

- Hey, Ford. A little late, huh?

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