The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Page #2

I love you all.

That's him. That's the bastard

who flashed us at the Amphitheatre.

- You b*tches have no proof.

- Shut up.

I think I could identify it.

It looked like a dick, only smaller.

All right, Sam. We're gonna letyou go, OK?

- We just gotta keep the evidence.

- (all) What?

(bell rings)

Now... you pay.

- It's called citizen's castration.

- Argh!

Next time, it'll be for real.

- Argh! Argh!

- (crash)

You stupid Sal's-Pizza-

garlic-breath-smelling motherf***er.

Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

Take this, Ford,

as payment for a job well done.

It's solid gold. It'll make sure

you're not late for other clients.

- No, money's fine, really.

- Bye, Ford.

- You're our hero.

- You're the greatest.

(mimicking) "Bye, Ford."

Let me cheer you up, Ford.

I've got the INXS payment.

There you go. G'day!

- They say it's worth three grand.

- (koala chatters)

F***in' Australians. I hate that country.

Continent, whatever the hell it is.

Don't we do nuclear testing there?

What is that? Some kind of giant mouse?

Down. Down and eat.

Milli Vanilli paid us off

in bicycle shorts and hair extensions.

Very scary.

Rock stars. I'm goin' out

of my mind dealin' with rock stars.

I don't make money, I make gifts.

How am I supposed to pay taxes

with bathtub compact disc players...

..and autographed drumsticks, you know?

I need cash, moolah, wampum. Dead

presidents, Michael Jackson, Gerald Ford.

I think it's coming together. You need money.

Come on, Jazz. I got my balls in a bunch.

Your karate class costs money. Cavities

cost money. Propa-pylactics cost money.

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take

that food processor Neil Diamond gave me...

..and make koala burgers,

with koala chips and koala dip.

- That's what I think.

- You're breaking my heart, Ford.

Look. I thinkthat we've got a case.

If we can make it through

this cavalcade of bimbos.

Hi, Ford. It's Monica. Remember me?

I'm walking again. Call me.

- That's Bimbo No.1.

- Hey, cut the play-by-play, all right?

Hi. Is this Chevy Nova?

Is this the car I want to speak to?

Johnny Crunch here, KDRT.

You know- K-DIRT, you schmuck?

You know, I'm the guy who had sex with your

prom date the very night before the prom.

And then I became the hottest DJ in the west.

Well, I got a case for you.

I don't wantyou to come here and say...

.."Is it a leather case or a vinyl case?"

No. It's a case to solve. Come down

to the station about six. Make it six.

Johnny Teitelbaum, calling himself

Johnny Crunch. Knock me out, huh?

You know, we grew up together in Brooklyn.

Came out here to become rock stars.

He's lying about the prom-date thing,

of course. I hope he is. I took his sister.

You're friends with the most

obnoxious a**hole on the airwaves?

The king of the shock jocks?

- I'm shocked.

- Don't worry about it.

He wants to see me at six. What time is it?

- Take this. I think you might need it.

- (phone rings)

- Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT.

- (modem tone)

That's for me. Radio contests?

Really, Ford. Howtacky.

So, what are you gonna do about this watch?

Keep it. It's your paycheckthis month.

That's nice. What about last month?

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

I wanna tell you something. Come here.

Huh? Huh?

Unbelievable.

When Johnny and I broke up our band,

we drifted apart.

He started hanging out with all those rock

star hairhead types, like the late Bobby Black.

And when they needed money to get high,

they did RockAgainst Drugs commercials.

You see what I'm sayin'?

That's what I'm sayin'. What am I sayin'?

I don't know.

Hey, Pixie. I'm here to see Johnny Crunch.

Lucky you. Arnie.

Mr Crunch has a lot of fans

who hate his guts.

Oh, Arnie. Sometimes when we touch

the honesty's too much.

Sorry.

It's Johnny Crunch here.

As always, if we call you and you answer the

phone by saying "Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT",...

..you could win a cool million.

At K-DIRT, we play

the kind of music your mother hates.

I know, because right now, she's naked

under the desk swallowing my microphone.

She likes that. Oops. I broke it accidentally.

Seriously, I make jokes aboutyour mothers,...

..but I knowthey're just pathetic sluts

who have no lives and have sex with midgets.

(rock)

Johnny Teitelbaum. Gettin' paid

to be the a**hole you always were, huh?

Suzuki Samurai.

You Bensonhurst piece of sh*t.

Here we are, still in Los Angeles,

two rock 'n' roll d*cks.

Only you're the detective

and I'm just a regular dick.

It was nice hearin' from you

after you hit it big, you rat.

I guess your arms were amputated

and you couldn't pick up a phone.

But this is not a social call.

Here, take a look at that.

Yeah. Real nice. So?

She's my daughter.

She calls herself Zuzu Petals.

It's the sickest thing.

You see, years ago, I was in Jersey.

I meet this girl.

She's a total pig, but I f***ed her.

Yeah, I heard you started dating.

Well, she gets pregnant, she has the kid,

the kid grows up, moves out here.

And, you know, typical story. She's screwin'

with all the rock stars, takin' drugs.

And I lost track of her. And I want her back.

Cos she's my daughter, my pride and joy.

I don't take cases with foundations

in bullshit. They're hard to walk around in.

- OK. You found me out.

- Level with me, Johnny.

All right. She's my sister. She's my daughter.

She's my sister and my daughter.

Look at the picture

and find her and bring her backto me.

I've been told it might be hard to pay your

rent with gold records and koala bears. OK?

Maybe this'll make it

a little more attractive to you. $4,000.

- Zuzu Petals, huh?

- Zuzu Petals.

So I hope you... Nah, I know

you're gonna find her cos you're the best.

Guys like you, you do grow on trees.

You're OK, Johnny. Here's to you...

(both) Sucking my dick.

Ah, let me get outta here.

No dessert until after you finish your dinner.

Money, money, money, money, money... Argh.

How hard could it be to nail down

one teenage blonde groupie in LA?

(Johnny) Any teenage virgins,

show up with a jar of petroleum jelly...

..right now,

and ask to speak to Johnny Crunch.

I never even liked the bastard.

2,000 private investigators in Los Angeles.

So why did I pickthe music industry? Well...

It made sense to specialise.

I coulda been anything.

I coulda been a fisherman.

Fishermen, they get up in the morning.

They fish. They sell fish. They smell fish.

Reminds me of this girl I used to go with,

Yvonne. She smelled like fish.

- (gunshot on radio)

- (Johnny) Someone shot my engineer. Hey.

Hey, let go of the mike. What are you... Hey.

Someone call the cops. Help me.

Please, let go of me. Let me go!

These LA drivers, man.

How do they get their licence?

(Johnny screams)

(horns blare)

I'm being electrocuted!

I'm being... Help me!

- It hurts! Argh!

- Call the cops. Johnny's being electrocuted.

- Oh, please. It's just one of his stupid jokes.

- Oh, f***ing sh*t, my Christ!

Hey! He can't say "Oh, f***ing sh*t,

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