The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Page #3

my Christ" over the air.

- Hey, Arnie. Your fly.

- Please let go of me! That's hot!

They're hot! Please! Please!

I'm being electrocuted! No! No! Argh!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Johnny!

Let's get another angle on this one.

Just a couple more.

It was dead air for the DJ.

Friend of yours?

Yeah. And my client.

- I could cry.

- It's all right to cry, Ford.

Crying's good.

Oh, sh*t.

How'd Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective

boogie his way in here? Anybody?

He discovered the body, sir.

LieutenantAmos, sir.

Oh, Fairlane, please confess.

I'll do the execution myself.

Nice tie, LieutenantAnus, sir.

Are you calling me an a**hole, a**hole?

I'm calling you an anus, Anus.

But if you prefer...

You think you're so hot

because you get in all the clubs...

..and have sex with great-lookin' women.

You think you're so hot just cos

you broke the Ensenada tape piracy ring.

- You gotta admit those are good reasons.

- Get the f*** outta here, jerk-off.

Jerk-off? You're a jerk-off.

That's what I think of you.

No, that's what I call you

because you are a jerk-off.

- Jerk-off.

- Get the f*** outta here.

I did every sh*t job in the biz

before I became a superhero.

Roadie, publicist, Jimmy Osmond's

bodyguard and personal secretary...

Hey, I may b*tch about my job,...

..but a great clue can really take a nothing day

and make it seem worthwhile.

"ArtMooney." This case is getting closed!

Ford. What are you running from?

You told me to get the f*** outta here.

Oh, if you're hiding something,

oh, oh... I'll have so much fun.

Anus, what's the bug up your ass?

Why do you hate me so much?

Why do I hate you?

I'll give you a f***in' hint. Two words.

- Disco Express.

- Disco Express?

Are you dealin' in beads or what? I mean, that

group blew dog, you know what I'm sayin'?

Hey, Anus. They had that...

That single, that real shitty single they

wanted me to push during my publicist days.

- "Booty Time".

- Yeah, with that lead singer,...

..the white Van McCoy lookalike

with the six-inch platform shoes.

- You know, he looked like...

- Like me.

Yeah. I was gonna say he looked like sh*t,

but... He looked like you.

(disco)

Booty time, booty time, across the USA

Booty time, booty time, hey-hey-hey

-Whoo! Booty time, booty time

-Booty time, booty time, across the USA

-lt's booty time, booty time

-Booty time, booty time

-Yeah, yeah, yeah...

- (music stops)

Unbelievable. I didn't think anything

could cheer me up tonight, Lieutenant.

But that brilliant performance...

Jerk-off.

Booty time! Boot my balls.

Can't believe he won't be alive to piss me off.

Here's to you, Johnny.

(koala whines)

- Ouch.

- Hey, you. Get off my cloud.

Really.

I'm hanging out with my best friend.

1962 Fender Stratocaster.

Original pick-ups, maple neck,...

..strung upside-down for

a left-handed motherfuckin' genius.

- Jimi Hendrix.

- Who cares, man? I got a case.

- Yeah, what? A 12-pack?

- This ain't a social call, man.

A hundred bucks to find my dad.

What? What, did he just

say what I think he said?

Man, don't worry. I got a clue.

See this ring on my finger?

Well, before my old lady ran off to Baja,

she told me my dad had this exact same ring.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Holy Colonel Mustard.

Jeepers, you didn't mention the big clue.

Come on. I can't take your money.

You need it.

I don't need it that bad.

(knocking at door)

I can't believe I tookthe money.

- Ford Fairlane?

- Yeah.

I'm Colleen Sutton.

I need your help.

I have a problem, and it pertains to

the music industry. What is it they call you?

- Mr Rock 'n' Roll Detective?

- Please, save it. It's too early.

Just make yourself comfortable.

- Some juice?

- Please.

Sorry about the glass,

the house and my breath.

Mr Fairlane, I'm very rich. The kind of rich

that warps minds. Nothing offends me.

When I was 11, I walked in on

my father and the Shetland pony he gave me.

- Does that excite you?

- I don't know. I never metyour father.

Oh, that? Don't take it personal.

He normally gets up a half hour before I do,

you know? Come on. Down, boy.

Down, Stanley. Roseanne Barr naked.

- Gone.

- (growls)

- Stanley?

- Yeah. Stanley.

You know. Like the power drill?

I had to ask.

So tell me, who's your decorator?

Some fag. Charged me up the ass, you know?

Fag? Ass? I'm sorry, is that a joke?

Yeah, in poor taste. Hey, I got

nothing against homosexuals, you know?

I even got one of these friends,

one of these trans-testicles.

(laughs)

Trans...testicle?

- I don't have a sense of humour either. Sorry.

- No sh*t?

("Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix)

Help me

Help...

Well, nowthat we've broken the ice...

I need you to find my little sister.

She goes by the name of Zuzu...

Petals. Yeah. I know.

You want me to get her back...

..because you don't want her to become the

biggest sleazebag slut on the Sunset Strip,...

..because she's your pride and joy.

How did you know?

- Here. Take this picture.

- No, thanks.

I got my own.

Excuse me?

Let's see. You're her worried sister, right?

Yesterday, I met her worried father, who,

by the way, is five years younger than you.

Then I capped off the evening by watching

this guy go off like a pack of firecrackers.

They write about cases like this

in the private eye handbook, honey.

Something about a ten-foot pole.

5,000 should satisfy any qualms

you have about my family tree.

Yeah, but for now I only get a 20, right?

Actually, you may take it all now.

Is that real money?

- I got some questions.

- I have no answers.

Thanks for the stain. Find the girl.

You know, speaking of stains...

I was just discussing bleaches

with my friend Art Mooney.

Who?

Zuzu Petals.

Never seen her before.

And as for who would wanna kill Johnny

Crunch, the line forms to the left.

I can tell you that he moved onto

a sailboat at the Delta Marina last week.

Thanks.

- Hey, great pipes, huh?

- (laughter)

I've heard cats f***

with more harmony than this kid.

Tell me about it. The name's Kyle Troy.

(Ford) What's with

this freak of f***in' nature?

How does Grendel Records sign

such a wick-prick, huh?

But then again, Julie Grendel thinks

Jethro Tull's one of the Beverly Hillbillies.

My mother always said that...

..if you can't say

something nice about someone,...

..make sure they're

out of the goddamn room.

Hello, Ford. I'm Julian Grendel.

Julie Grendel. Right. Right.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Do you realise we're gonna have

to ship this "wick-prick" platinum,...

..just so the teenage girls will have

a compact disc cover to get wet with?

Come on, you gotta know

better than anybody that...

..there's a lot more to

the music industry than actual music.

You just have to learn to tune it out.

I recommend Stravinsky and Wagner.

I recommend Smith and Wesson.

I'm sorry to hear about Bobby Black.

Terrible thing.

But a great career move.

His records are really climbing the charts.

I just gotta make sure that this Kyle Troy...

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