The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Page #4

Is that his name?

Anyway, this Kyle Troy person

is the next... big thing.

You know, I was just discussing this whole

Troy thing with my old buddy Art Mooney.

You know him?

Nope.

No, huh?

(Don) What is this a**hole smiling about?

Sorry, Ford,

I couldn't help you with your case.

Ford? Ford?

Hey, Pavarotti.

- Hey, what's the hassle?

- Hassle? What is this?

(imitates Kyle singing) What is that sh*t, huh?

I could crack my knuckles

with more rhythm than that.

You're killin' rock and rapin' roll, man.

Keith Richards is rollin' over in his grave.

The friggin' guy isn't even dead yet.

- You're tearin' me apart.

- Hey.

Hey. No, no, no.

Restyour lips. Put down the earmuffs.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Good, good.

Rock 'n' roll.

You know what rock 'n' roll is?

- What's Ford doin', man?

- Guys, work with me, huh?

I got a '65 Cadillac

Spare tyre on the back

Charge card to Goldblatt's

But I ain't gotyou

I got women to the right of me

I got women to the left of me

I got chicks all around me

But I ain't gotyou

I got a tab at the liquor store

I hit the number 444

I got a mojo, and don'tyou know

I'm all dressed up and no place to go

-I got women to the left of me

-Yeah, yeah

-I got women to the right of me

-Yeah, yeah

-I got chicks all around me

- Yeah, yeah

But I ain't gotyou

-No, I ain't gotyou

-Ow!

-I got a closet full of clothes

-Yeah, yeah

-And no matter when it goes

- Yeah, yeah

-I got a ring in my nose

-Yeah, yeah

But I ain't gotyou

But I ain't gotyou

Yeah, I ain't gotyou

No, I ain't gotyou

Kid... nowthat's rock 'n' roll, huh?

Jesus!

I coulda been a rock star,

if only I wasn't bannedfrom MTV.

Hey, it's a long story.

Unfortunately, I can only do that one song.

Well, I also do a mean "Puff

the Magic Dragon", but only in the nude.

It's a longer story. Oh!

- You guys a band?

- Sure.

- Got a name?

- Yeah. Pain.

Pain. Kooky.

When Don Cleveland told me

Johnny had a boat on the Delta Marina,...

..lforgot to ask the name of it.

I had a feeling

Johnny had been hidingfrom someone.

So the name of the boat was gonna be

something different from his personality.

Well, maybe not.

Johnny was the only guy

who could out-disgust me.

When we were kids,

we'd have gross-out contests.

I'd cough a pile of phlegm on the table.

He'd say "Nice try" and then pull out a straw.

- (squeaks)

- Ouch.

("Last Time in Paris" by Queensrche)

(squeaks)

Love boat, takin' another run...

The dumb bastard got involved with

something or someone he shouldn't have.

"Collie and me."

I'm a big Lassie fan,

so lfigured I'd take a break.

I hope it's the one where... Yow!

I'm a... I'm a pit bull. I'm a pit bull.

I'm a bad pit bull. Where's my Queen Colleen?

Queen Colleen's here.

What is this, the Rob Lowe channel?

- Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Oh, what a cute little doggie.

"I'm very rich. Nothing offends me."

Come on. Nothin'? No sh*t, honey.

You got a whip stickin' out of your ass

and a guy that's f***in' barkin'.

Bad dog. Bad dog. Down. Down.

Sit.

Why was Colleen so interested in Johnny?

Maybe they had the same taste in antiques.

Hello, hello.

You're ten seconds from the most

embarrassing moment of your f***in' life.

(laughs maniacally)

F***!

Argh! Argh!

(giggling)

Damn.

lfelt like I'd just

played water polo in a urine tank.

Who was that smiling snapper-head?

Why was he trying to scare me off the case?

Who's he workingfor?

More important, I got a school of guppies

in my underwear now. Nobody believes me.

(phone rings)

- Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT.

- Hey, Jazz. What's goin' on?

Bimbos and bill collectors. You?

- Took a late-night swim, you know?

- Uh-huh. How refreshing.

I got a party I wantyou to come to

tomorrow. Could be interesting.

It's at Colleen Sutton's Bel Air estate.

So dress nice, OK, honey?

- OK.

- Love you, baby.

(man sings "Give Me the Simple Life')

(Ford) Oh, man, do I hate the rich.

Robin Leach?

I f***ed him. Oh!

Give me the simple life

- So you want off the case?

- Not quite.

I've got a code, Queen Collie.

I never, ever drop a case.

Besides, I used all your money

to pay my bills, so I sort of owe you.

I don't need money.

What I need are questions answered.

Question number one.

Can I have some money?

I'm only kidding.

Hey, look.

Johnny Crunch was a good friend of mine.

He didn't bark like a dog for me.

However, I want to know why he had to die.

Look. No one told you to solve a murder.

Just find a girl.

Excuse me a moment... honey.

Jazz, I told you to dress nice, not nice.

I mean, what did you thinkthis was? A date?

All right, look, sweetheart. You look beautiful.

Afterwards, I'll take you out,

throw a burger down your throat...

You're truly a man among men.

What do you want from me?

Look. This Colleen Sutton chick

I was just rappin' with?

She's full of surprises and full of sh*t, OK?

I wantyou to secretly

keep tabs on her for me.

All right. Good. Hey, wait. Hors devors.

Snapper-head. Hey, food boy.

Where the hell are you goin'?

Some like the high road, I like the low road

Free from the care and strife

Sounds corny and seedy

Butyes, indeedy

Give me the simple life

Ah! Stop following me.

- Excuse me. I was...

- Give it up, girl.

Just take this.

I can't afford to have it right now.

Oh! Ooh.

Ugh.

Hello, Ford.

- I'm hip.

- Mm.

Well, I must say, you're

an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhoea.

And the ones who love inside

Some like the high road, I like the low road

Why mess around...

It's good to see you too, Julie.

Say hello to my assistant, Jazz.

- Hi.

- Mm.

Ford. I thinkthat somebody's

trying to rip my company off.

I've tried the Yellow Pages.

Now I think it's your turn.

Shark is served.

I guess now is a bad time to discuss it.

I'm such a big fan of shark meat.

- So nice to meetyou.

- (gags) Nice to meetyou.

See you.

Come on, Ford.

Your shark steak, sir.

What are you lookin' at?

What's the matter with you? Hey, Jazz.

- What? You gotyour panties in a bunch?

- Shut up. Look down the back of my dress.

Whoa!

- This party's pickin' up.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Where'd you get this?

- A gift from the ice queen, Colleen.

And it's not even my birthday.

I wouldn't trust that babe

as far as I could bowl her.

Found out she'd been nailin' Johnny.

Don't even ask aboutZuzu Petals.

(beeping)

Play that funky music, white boy.

It's a computer disc. Let me check it out.

I knew Colleen had something up her sleeve.

You did good.

Why don'tyou make eye contact

when you say that?

I can't. That dress. I mean, why don't we just...

Celebrate? Like when we solved the case of

the Bad White Bluesman? Forget that, man.

Jazz... Come here.

Maybe I should be thankful

that was a foodless kiss.

We had such a great weekend, you know.

You had a good time, I had a good time...

OK. Why don'tyou just stop, before

you make some crude reference to Stanley.

Hey, Stanley had a good time too, you know.

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