The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Page #5

Yeah? Well, that weekend was a mistake.

Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you

clean the toilets and the bathtubs.

I mean, who did all the work in bed?

- Oh.

- Oh, come... Jazz! I'm...

- (growls)

- What'd I say? Come on.

Chicks.

Some people play hard to get.

I play hard to want.

I'd always loved Jazz,

cos she despised me for who I truly am.

Like that time we were at her parents'

wedding anniversary and I told that joke:

.."What's the definition of vagina?"

"The box a penis comes in." Oh!

I was stuck with a case where Zuzu Petals

and ArtMooney were battling out...

..for the "Lamest Clue of My Career" award.

It's just me and you tonight, honey.

What are you doin'?

Look at the mess you're makin', huh?

Who's gonna clean that up?

I'm Kurt Loder on MTV News. Police

say that Black Plague singer Bobby Black...

..was not the victim of a drug overdose

as was at first suspected.

Police have no suspects yet

and are asking all Black Plague fans...

..not to show up at the funeral, which will be

held at the Hollywood Cemetery at midnight.

Right now, as a tribute,

here's the lastvideo by Bobby Black.

Would you look at that?

So Zuzu Petals was

a groupie of Bobby Black's.

What did Bobby's friends

Johnny and Colleen want from her?

I'd hoped to find out at Bobby's funeral,

cos this case was gettin' closed.

All right. That's 100 each. Come on.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Right. Get in there.

Got those Plague invites here.

Scalpin' at a funeral.

You're a pretty sleazy guy.

Thanks. You interested?

It's festival seating, so...

- How much?

- 300.

- 300? You charged the chicks one.

- Hey, they blew me.

300 comin' up.

Bobby!

Jeez. Am I the only one that paid full price?

Ever see this chick before?

Ever see this chick?

He was so good.

He was one of the greats.

Ever see this chick around?

Is this a trick question?

Zuzu Petals? Zuzu Petals?

Yes! Who killed Bobby Black?

- Um...

- Who killed Johnny? Who's Art Mooney?

- Talkto me. Talkto me!

- I don't know.

I'm so scared. Help me.

Hey, baby. A simple thank you would suffice.

Fluck you!

Oh, fluck. Fluck. Stanley, talkto me.

- Hello, hello.

- Argh!

(Zuzu screams)

- Damn.

- (phone rings)

- Hit pay dirt with K-DIRT.

- Hello, hello.

Radio contests, Ford.

- Come on, man.

- Hey. Aren'tyou supposed to be dead?

Why don'tyou come back, you chickenshit?

Oh, Ford.

I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

- Watch out. Get out of the way.

- (screams)

- God, I love this job.

- And I thought all we got was a dental plan.

- Hey.

- Hey. He took Lydia.

Ah!

Mom...

(screaming)

Watch out.

(laughs maniacally)

You ain't smilin' no more, a**hole.

Oh, but I am, Ford.

Oh, sh*t!

No, thanks. I've got my own.

(phone rings)

F*** you, you dirtbag sack of sh*t.

And a good evening to you too, kind sir.

Sorry to interrupt.

Thoughtyou might like to know

that the CD is coming up worthless.

And I also found out

why Colleen Sutton is so damn rich.

Besides the Sutton Estate, she also gets

a little additional green la alimony from...

..dramatic pause... your pal Julian Grendel.

- Her ex-husband.

- That explains a lot, but I can't talk now.

- You're with one of your bimbos, aren'tyou?

- It's a little more complicated than that.

Look... Hold on. I got another call. Hold on.

Yeah, hello? Smiley?

I'm sorry. That was my assistant.

Your assistant is quite special.

I look forward to raping her atyour funeral.

Wait. Hold on, Smiley.

Come on, get. On second thought...

I'm only kidding. Come here. Come here.

Damn, baby.

I hope you filled out some organ donor cards.

Excuse me. Excuse me, driver?

Driver? Hi. Now, I knowthis is, like,

a car chase, but I have gotto go wee-wee.

So if we could just pull over,

it'd be great, at any...

Hang on, baby, here we go.

Come on. Come on, Smiley.

- Bobby!

- Bobby!

Oh, there's Bobby. Hi, sweetheart.

Sh*t.

Boy! You morticians

really know howto party.

Ah! Ah!

(Zuzu sighs)

(gasps)

- Are you mad?

- No, I'm ecstatic.

Get outta the car!

- (sirens approaching)

- OK.

I can't believe anybody could have

so much f***in' fun at a funeral, Fairlane.

- You do Bar Mitzvahs?

- The son of a b*tch you want's in this limo.

Yeah, sure, whatever. You know,

I really wish I could get mad atyou, Ford.

But guess who just found out

who killed Bobby Black and Johnny Crunch?

A psycho groupie killer. I got an anonymous

letter says she killed the both of them.

I hate to interrupt, but I think you spent

too much time in discos during the '70s.

The Village People rotted your brain.

That's the difference

between a great investigator like me...

..and a piece of Spam like you.

Spam.

You're a piece of Spam.

That's what I think of you.

No, I call you a piece of Spam

because that's whatyou are.

Spam.

See, you look at this picture,

all you see is the beauty.

- I see the beast.

- Lieutenant?

Yeah, there's no one in the limo, sir.

(both) What?

All right, I'll talkto you later.

But don't try finding this girl on your own.

Trust me on this one. This broad is lethal.

Yeah. Whatever you say, boss.

You can get cream to try to kill

whatever that is down there.

Keeping Zuzu away from the disco duck

wasn't too f***in'hard.

But I'd have to wait to interrogate her.

Colleen's on a revenge trip

against her ex-husband.

Julian Grendel told me

his company's been gettin' ripped off.

Makes total sense.

Bobby and his friend, Colleen's lover Johnny

Crunch, find out about her little scheme.

She has 'em killed.

If that's so, who the hell are you?

Zuzu Petals.

Don't talkto me any more.

Yum, yum. Tee-wee!

Talking to Zuzu was like

masturbating with a cheese grater.

Slightly amusing, but mostly painful.

Zuzu!

Zuzu?

Zuzu. Zuzu. What happened?

Come on, honey.

I'm so sorry about everything I said.

Come on, just be all right.

Talkto me, honey. Come on.

- That's it. Keep chewing.

- Huh...

- That's it.

- Fluck!

Great video, huh?

- Are you OK?

- OK? I just blew up.

I feel orgasmic.

My guitar.

My axe.

My axe!

Colleen f***in' Sutton.

I knew it!

Ford? You got something

cooking in the microwave?

Get out!

- Get out.

- Oh, wait, wait. My purse.

"Wait, my purse"? Get outta here. Come on!

Jump, nitwit!

Well, maybe it was just a potpie.

I guess not.

I tried to stop 'em, man. I'm sorry.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Who did this to you?

These two guys in real long cowboy coats

and real nice suits. I thinkArmani.

They went through your stuff.

I did whatyou would've done.

- Yeah. Run to a phone and call the cops.

- Fuckthat. I mean, to heck with that.

I kicked their ass.

I tried. There were two of'em.

All right. Let's go to the hospital.

- I tried to help you.

- Hey, I appreciate it.

Hey, where's my dad?

Have you even looked for him yet?

- I've got some leads.

- You're a liar, man. You don't care.

You don't care about nothing.

- Where you goin'?

- Oh. He seems nice.

Shut up. Just...just shut up.

Ford? Bad news.

I chipped a nail.

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