The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Page #6

Hey, the boys in the garage

brought my baby back.

Oh, my God!

(horn blares)

Why the music industry?

Why not Ford Fairlane,

the fisherman's detective, huh?

Wouldn't that be great?

Howtough could it be?

"Ford, somebody switched

the lures in my f***in' tackle box."

"Hey, Ford. Somebody sabotaged my bait."

- OK. Here comes...

- All right.

All right.

- Hey. You need a lift?

- (both) Yeah.

- (both) F*** you!

- Motherf***er.

Hi, private-eye guy!

Remember me, Melodi?

Oh, wow. Hiding out from cold-blooded

killers. The sisters are going to die.

("Cradle of Love" by Billy Idol)

So, this is my sorority.

I think you'll really like the girls.

Well, rock the cradle of love

Rock the cradle of love

Yes, the cradle of love

Don't rock easily, it's true

Yeah

It burned like a ball of fire

When the rebel took

a little child bride to tease, yeah

So go easy, yeah

Oh

Cos love cuts a million ways

Shakes the devil when he misbehaves

I ain't nobody's fool

Come on, shake it up, whatever I do

Rock the cradle of love...

Hey, troops. Here's

the rock 'n' roll detective I told you about.

(music stops)

Oh!

- Hi.

- Hey... Hey...

Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know?

(phone rings)

- Ford Fairlane.

- (Ford) Hey, Jazz.

Ford?

You would not believe

what I went through today.

Colleen's thugs tried to kill me. You believe

that? They left her hat as a goodbye kiss.

You know? I'm callin' from

the Ai Eta Pi sorority house, huh? Mm.

Mm. They blew up my house, my car...

And let me tell you something. My

koala bear's not in such great shape either.

- That's too bad.

- "That's too bad."

"That's too bad" she tells me.

That's all you can say?

Yes, Ford. That's about all I can say.

Well, look. Stop playing games

over there and come here. I gotta see you.

(dialling tone)

So anyway, Springsteen says to Madonna

"Who could f*** in this weather?" Oh!

- Does Van Halen sleep in the nude?

- Does Debbie Gibson sleep with Van Halen?

- Rub my neck, huh?

- Is Sting really an a**hole?

If Axl Rose was reincarnated as a black

woman, would it be Jody Watley or Aretha?

Sisters! Sisters, would you chill out?

Give Ford a break.

What do you say we induct him

as an honorary member?

(all) Yeah!

If either one of you ever has a son,

I hope his dog dies.

You really shouldn't have said that.

Yeah. It's a tough business.

- Bye-bye.

- See ya. One...

Two...

Three!

Whoo-hoo!

(all chant) Qantas, jujubes,

salcido, Ford Fairlane.

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

- Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

- One, two...

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

Quantas, jujubes, salcido, Ford Fairlane.

- Everybody blow.

- Quantas, ju...

Where are you going?

Move!

- Hey!

- Come on!

- Oh!

- Oh, jeez!

Come on. It's cut-our-losses time, man.

Oh, man, look at that! Goddamn!

Dudes. They executed my Vette.

Need a... lift?

(moans in pain)

Jazz!

- What happened?

- Why do you have to have...

..an office on the second floor?

- I came to warn you.

- I'll f***in' kill them. Are you OK, huh?

- Yes.

- You all right?

They tried to get this worthless CD,

but I had it hidden in a special place.

Once again, I came through.

Damn red-numbered bullshit CD.

Look, I have one. Bobby gave it to me

the night that he passed away.

It's good. It's really avant-garde.

You can dance to it.

Does yours go, like,

bzzz, eeek, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz...?

- Zuzu?

- Yeah, right. Birdbrain? Shut up, please.

- Melodi, take Jazz to the hospital, OK?

- OK, sure.

Wait a second. I want to see

if this is better than the last one.

I don't need no CD to tell me Colleen Sutton's

behind this whole thing, all right?

- Let's go.

- Come on.

I'll be at Julie Grendel's to see if he knows

what a whore thief his ex-piece-of-sh*t wife is.

Come on, move.

Come on, would you, please? Stupid!

Why have you come to my planet, huh?

You're pure scum.

(sniggers)

Colleen, you're a drag.

Julie, baby! What's goin' on, huh?

Queen Colleen. You're here just in time to see

me do what I refer to as solving the case.

It's cute. I think you'll like it.

Colleen's been ripping off

her ex-husband here's company.

And she's been murdering

to keep it a secret.

That's a pretty nifty theory.

Colleen!

Colleen.

- Nice dress.

- Wait. My purse.

- Ar... Ar...

- Aardvarks?

Julian's smuggling aardvarks

into the country?

- Art...

- Artichokes?

Art... Mooney... stupid!

- Thanks. I needed that.

- (Zuzu gasps)

You sick, confusing motherfuckers.

Gimme the three discs, Ford.

Bobby's, Colleen's and Johnny's.

Three CDs?

Sh*t. Just start torturin' me, man.

I didn't even know Johnny had a disc.

I'm not in the mood for any of that "Don't play

games with me, Mr Fairlane" bullshit.

Don't play games with me, Mr...

Did you say you don't have the...?

Torture you?

I'm not gonna torture you, Ford.

Not her, Ford, butyour best friend.

A 1962 Fender Stratocaster

with original pick-ups and maple neck...

..and strung upside down

for a left-handed genius - Jimi Hendrix.

- That's something else entirely.

- No!

Argh!

That's the same sound

your koala bear made when we hung it.

Don'tyou thinkthis guitar would look

better with Ford's name carved in it?

- Come on!

- (henchmen) Oh, yeah!

(Ford grunts)

Rape!

(Ford) Come on! OK. OK.

OK. OK.

Boy, you guys are tough. OK, you got me.

All right, I gotyour discs, a**hole.

They're in a very safe place, with instructions

that they be sent directly to the police...

..if I don't make a call by seven o'clock.

So, if you'll excuse us...

Well, it's 7.30, Ford.

You really should get a watch.

Ford, Ford, Ford.

How about a last drink?

I'm running a little late.

We're giving a party tonight at the club

to introduce Kyle Troy to the world.

Everyone in the industry's gonna be there,

including our friend Don Cleveland.

- Yeah? What about Don?

- Before Kyle Troy does his first set,...

..Don will have his head blown off.

Next week, the newspapers will reveal...

..that Don was partners with Bobby, Collie

and Johnny in the Grendel Records scam.

And he killed 'em to pay off some debt

to the Mob or something lame like that.

And then he got iced.

It's a lot more tasteful than it sounds.

You know, I cannot believe

thatyou guys actually hung a koala bear.

That is just so graphic.

You know, I am still in shock here.

- Is she for real?

- I'm afraid so. You want her?

- ..but that was just a dream. I don't think...

- (all) Shut up!

(sighs)

You know, Julie, you're the goods.

And even though I might be perturbed you're

gonna kill me, I gotta salute your toughness.

Julian Grendel,

guys like you do grow on trees.

Here's to you, buddy... suckin' my dick.

Take a free shot, boss.

Sure.

(Grendel) Moron.

Zuzu.

- Zuzu, are you OK?

- Oh. Another trick question, right?

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