The Adventures of Mark Twain Page #4

-Sure.

-On your grandmother's bones?

-Well, do you?

-Yeah.

We're gonna hijack this balloon.

-What?

-Hijack?

Can't you see it?

''Tom Sawyer, Aeronort...

...Saves Airborne Friends from

Madman's Death Wish.''

When, Tom?

Tomorrow.

Okay, so you line that up

with the sun.

-Right?

-Yeah.

Mr. Twain?

What's this?

Now you be careful there.

That's the central power panel.

London. Right on schedule.

Good thing too.

That comet won't be around again

until l'm 1 50.

By that time,

l may have changed my mind.

All right, scouts,

what did you uncover?

Well, the steering looks pretty easy.

l found the power thrusters,

but l don't know--

Well, l've found a way

to stop this ship cold.

-What's that?

-Welcome to Mark Twain's Notebook.

l reckon it's Mr. Twain.

I am the only man living

who understands human nature.

God has put me in charge

of this branch office...

...and when I retire, there will be

no one to take my place.

l shall keep on doing my duty...

...for when l get over

on the other side...

...l wanna use my influence to have

the human race drowned again.

This time drowned good.

No omissions. No ark.

Sometimes the old man

seems powerful unhappy.

l think he's lonely.

l think he's asleep.

Thunderation, we struck it lucky.

-This is our chance.

-What?

We're gonna sashay on over there...

...hog-tie Mr. Twain,

and hijack this here ship.

-l don't think--

-Don't be a couple of sissies...

...in the face of a real adventure.

Tom, is this necessary?

There. That ought to hold him.

Hey, don't set those keys there.

The key always has to be

just out of the prisoner's reach...

...so he can plan his escape.

Confound it, that's foolish, Tom.

To the helm, aeronorts.

-That's ''aeronauts.''

-Come on.

Welcome to the hurricane deck.

-Look.

-We had you all tied up.

No, no, no.

That was just a little writer's block.

l never saw such a escape artist.

You look about as disappointed

as Presbyterians in hell.

We'll never get home.

They're thinking we're gonna die

when we meet up with that comet.

Suppose we do die...

...is there truly a heaven or a hell?

Oh, l don't know.

l don't want to express an opinion.

You see, l'd have friends

in both places.

Now, consider

Old Captain Stormfield.

Come on over here, Tom.

l've got something to show you.

Look at that.

-Stormfield, is that you?

-Why, ahoy there, Mark Twain.

Where might you be going?

I might-- No, I most assuredly am

going to heaven.

An optimist.

Racing his own comet too.

Stormfield is a man with faith.

Means he's willing to believe

in what he knows ain't so.

What was that?

Oh, my.

Well, quick, where are you from?

San Francisco.

-ls it a planet?

-Planet? Why, it's a city.

And moreover, it's one

of the biggest and the finest.

Well, that's delightful,

but we don't deal in cities here.

Where are you from in

a more general way?

l beg your pardon?

Put me down for California.

ls it a constellation?

Oh, my goodness, no.

lt's a state.

l'm from America,

the United States of America.

-There ain't any such orb.

-Orb?

What are you talking about,

young fella?

lt ain't an orb. lt's a country.

-Why, America is one of the finest--

-Silence!

Now, once and for all,

where are you from?

-Just say l'm from the world.

-What world?

-Why, the world, of course.

-''The world''?

Well, there's billions of them.

Next.

The one that has a sun and the moon

and Mars, Neptune, and Jupiter--

Hold on.

-Jupiter?

-Jupiter.

Jupiter.

Seems to me we had a man from there

eight or 900 years ago.

Did you come straight here

from your system?

Yes, sir.

That is not true.

And this is no place for a fib.

You wandered from your course.

How did that happen?

l'm sorry. l take back what l said.

l confess. l raced a little

with a comet one day--

Only just the least little bit.

Only the tiniest little bit.

So that divergence has caused

all this trouble.

Well, it's landed you at a gate that's

billions of leagues from the right one.

Oh, go on in.

You'll be safe forever, and you won't

have any more trouble. Next.

l'm off.

Well, quick, where are you from?

Well, l beg your pardon, mister...

...but ain't you forgot something?

Forgot something?

-Not that l know of.

-Why, my harp.

And my wreath and my halo and

my hymnbook and my palm branch.

l never heard of these things before.

Oh, trust me.

You won't be conspicuous

in this district without it.

Well, good day.

Turns me on.

Do it again to me, just like that.

Yes!

Sock it to me, sock it to me,

sock it to me.

Oh, yeah.

Hey there.

-Yes, man.

-Yes, man.

-Dare we do any more?

-Yeah! Yes, yes, yes.

Well....

Well, look who's here.

You know, l begin to see...

...that a man has got to be

in his own heaven to be happy.

Oh, perfectly correct.

Did you imagine that the same heaven

would suit all sorts of people?

-Go that way.

-A million leagues or so.

Well, thank you, sir.

-So long.

-Au revoir.

lt's been swell. lt's been grand.

Harp, hymnbook, pair of wings.

-Halo, size 1 3.

-Size 1 3.

-For Captain Eli Stormfield of--

-San Francisco, you betcha.

Make him out a clean bill

of health and let him in.

Show me a cloud. l'm all right now.

l think--

Oh, sorry, l forgot.

Supposed to be quiet.

A harp, a hymnbook and wings?

Good God, what a swindle.

l'm led to consider a different path.

Heaven for climate,

hell for company.

Either way,

you gotta die to get there.

Land sakes. Set her back!

-What's that?

-Ah, the Sphinx.

Nothing to be afraid of.

lt's only the ''Phanx.''

That's ''Sphinx.''

Now, with the right wind,

we should go aloft right here.

The comet is still some time off.

Best we should impose

on this great beast...

...to secure our anchor.

We're cooked. That's the end.

We're goners.

There is no sadder sight

than a young pessimist...

...except an old optimist.

Let's see....

-We'll have to wait to ascend...

-Come on.

...until exactly 6:00.

So when the alarm goes off,

the knife cuts the rope...

...and the ax smashes the--

-What?

-Thought l heard him coming.

No, it's only Homer.

l think that ought to do it.

Why don't we just take the ax

and smash it now?

What's the good of a plan

that's no more trouble than that?

Timing's everything.

You heard Mr. Twain. Six o'clock.

Come on.

My good old ancestor, Adam.

How deep a debt of gratitude

we owe to Adam and Eve.

They brought death into the world.

The diary.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

We never finished

Adam and Eve's story.

Oh, that's right.

-l guess we have time.

-Sure, we've got plenty of time.

Now, let's see, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Eve had just eaten the apple...

...and rearranged the world a little.

After the disaster, Adam found

a place outside the garden...

...and was fairly comfortable

for a while.

I was not sorry she came.

There are but meager

pickings here...

...and she brought

some of those apples.

It was against my principles...

...but I find that principles have

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