The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert: The Bus from Blooperville Page #2

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Just leave mine outside

the door at about 8 am

along with orange juice

and toast please.

Why certainly Madame. And would

you like vegemite or Jam with that?

Knock knock.

Room Service.

Can't you read the sign? Do Not Disturb!

Please come back in the morning.

Oh ha ha girls.

Open the door.

- Goodnight Bernice.

- Goodnight Mitzi.

Open the f***ing door!

Okay, if you don't open

the door I'm going to sing.

Fine, you asked for it.

I don't care if the sun don't shine

I get my lovin' in the evenin' time,

When I'm with my baby

It's no fun with the sun aroun',

But I get goin'

when the sun goes down

And I meet my baby

That's when we kiss

and kiss and kiss

And then we kiss some more

Don't ask how many times we kiss...

- Night John boy.

I'm seriously falling asleep.

No, it's your shift and

you're going to stick to it.

Serves you right for

staying out all night. Slut.

Well, I'm not going to make it.

- Oh, f*** off grandma.

- Are you alright?

Me? Yeah. I'm fine.

I'm just thinking.

Sorry. SH*T!

What is it?

Perhaps we should have flown.

Bzzz! Wrong, but thanks for playing.

Anyone else?

No. Witchety grub. Your turn.

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with "R".

Rectum?

Ring pirate?

Road?

Alright. What's the matter with you?

- Nothing darling.

- Don't darling me, darling.

Look at you. You've got

a face like a cat's arse.

- Come on. Fess up.

- I'm just worried about the show, that's all.

- Like, we haven't done any rehearsals yet and...

- We've got two weeks for Christ's sake.

That's plenty of time to rehearse.

Now what is your problem?

It's not a problem. I just want this show

to be good. That's all. It's got to be good.

How the f*** did you get

this job Mitzi my darling?

I mean, who is this fish who runs this bloody

hotel in the middle of nowhere anyway?

- Your mother?

- No, my wife.

What? Don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend

tucked away out here somewhere.

No. My wife. I'm married.

And when the joint bank account

ran dry after a couple of years

I guess I prefered her

wedding ring to mine.

So no drama.

We swapped and

called it a day.

This is getting too weird.

You and a woman?

What did she used to do for kicks?

Put a bucket over your head

and swing off the handle?

You know there are two things I don't like

about you Felicia... Your face.

So how about shutting both of them.

Well at least this explains

your abysmal batting average Mitz.

I often wondered why your

dance card was so empty.

I take it you never

got a divorce then?

Well girls, what can I say?

Here's to a secret very well kept.

Shame it's not going to

stay that way. Isn't it?

Got any more surprises

you'd like to share with us?

Haven't got any kids stashed away

out there as well have you?

Look. I haven't lied about anything.

After six years I get a phone call

out of nowhere screaming for help.

And Christ knows I owe her a couple of favours.

I'm sorry that I never told you.

I'm not sorry that you're here.

Don't worry about it dolls.

I'm as jealous as hell.

What?

So was it a big wedding?

Get lots of pressies did we?

I just wish I was

old enough to be there.

I would have bought you a lovely matching set

of hers and hers bath mats.

- Give it a rest.

- Not on your life.

Mitzi the magnificent

and her blushing bride.

Mowing those lawns must have been

murder on those heels though.

All right Felicia, that's enough.

Let's put some money in that

seething cesspool mouth of yours.

If I win this game, you will

never mention my wife,

ever, in my presence again. OK?

- And if I win?

- Name your price.

Well now, what would I like more than

anything in the world?

Snap, better be quick.

What the f*** am I doing?

Take that bloody frock off Felicia.

Don't make it worse than it is.

Think I'll let you get all the attention?

No chance.

Come on girls,

lets go shopping.

For Christ's sake...

I love these hats.

You have got to be kidding.

Welcome to Mario's Palace.

Come in.

What can I do for you?

Would you like a room Madame?

Subtle.

Oh tackorama!

Who the hell does all the

painting around here?

Someone with no arms or right foot

by the look of it.

For goodness sake,

get down off that crucifix.

Someone needs the wood.

What have we here?

What fun.

Baby bottles of booze.

Gather round girls,

I'll show you a trick.

You drink the gin...

Fill the bottle up with water

and put it back in the fridge.

Va t'em vous.

What about the scotch?

That's where the complimentary tea bags

come in handy.

- Very clever.

- Cheers girls.

And congratualtions Mitzi darling.

You did it.

One lap of the Broken Hill

main drag in drag!

That'll teach you to take on the

Fairmont Boys School snap champion.

Here's to getting

off the f***ing bus.

Chookers!

So, all dolled up

and nowhere to go.

Well I sure as sh*t have no intention

of sitting here all evening.

I'm in.

Oh alright.

Here's hoping they have

a decent Cocktail Bar.

Hello.

Could I please have a Stoli and tonic,

a bloody Mary

and a lime Daiquiri please?

Well, look what the cat dragged in!

What do we've got here?

A couple of show girls eh?

Where did you ladies

come in from?

Uranus?

Could I please have a...?

No! You can't have nothing!

We got nothing here

for people like you. Nothing!

Now listen here you mullet.

Why don't you just light your tampon

and blow your box apart,

because it's the only bang

you're ever going to get sweetheart.

Now what could be more soothing

than coming home after

a hard day down the mine

to the woman in us all.

Now don't send any money...

Sh*t,

all I can see are

female impersonators.

This has got to be a first.

Nobody has ever out drunk old Shirl before.

Where did you learn to

throw them back like that?

That's our girl Bernadette.

I just knew that stumbling around the pub circuit

with Les Girls for 200 years

must have taught her something.

- You're a bloody marvel Bernie.

- Bernadette please.

- What was that?

- My name isn't Bernie.

She said her name isn't Bernie...

It's Ralph.

Come on.

What did you call me?

What did you call me what?

What did you call me

back there, in the bar?

Sorry. Ralph.

You f***ing idiot!

Oh, the f***!

Don't touch me!

You f***ing...

Only my f***ing head.

The lump on your head

is bigger than your prick.

Why don't you f*** off

you stupid old b*tch?

Oh, stop it little f*ggot.

- ???

- If your mouth were as big as your dick

you wouldn't have any problem.

Good morning.

It's funny, you know?

No matter how... though

I think I'm getting...

it still hurts.

Hope it still works.

Don't have much call

for it out here.

- Where you blokes from?

- Uranus.

Oh, good.

There.

- Left.

- I hope you know what you're doing.

If we stick to the sealed road,

we'll be at it for at least two days.

Take the short cut.

One more push,

I'm gonna smack his face so hard

he'll have to stick a toothbrush

up his arse to clean his teeth.

Just lay off.

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