The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert: The Bus from Blooperville Page #3

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I told you not to use the R word

and what did you go and do?

I was only having fun.

Fun? What else do you do for amusement?

Slam your fingers in car doors?

- What's the point?

- I like seeing people get hot headed ok?

- It gives me a kick.

- Is it true that when you were born...

the doctor turned around

and slapped your mother?

What sort of bent childhood

did you have, Adam Whitely?

Come here boy.

Come and sit over here.

Would you like to have some fun

with uncle Barry?

We're gonna play a special game,

But you can't tell anybody.

Never, ever ever.

Now what I want you to do

is put your hand down here

and pull very gently

Very gently.

That's good.

Jesus Christ Adam!

Get help!

Adam, Uncle Barry's ping pongs

are caught in the drain.

Get Mummy.

What do you mean "no"?

Never, ever ever.

You know the best part?

Mum was out playing golf

and the dirty old f***

was stuck there for seven hours.

And I thought they were small and wrinkled

before they got in the water.

Hey, I got a joke.

Who wants to hear a joke?

Come on Bernie. It's so funny,

you'll laugh so hard

your lashes will curl up by themselves.

Do tell us your hilarious joke.

Well, many moons ago there was

this very famous bunch of indians

called the Fuckawei Tribe.

And one day the son of the great

indian Chief says to his father,

"Dad, why is my friend

Little Hawk called Little Hawk?"

And his father says...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"

That's not the end of the joke.

So anyway,

Back to me.

- Jesus!

- What's happening?

I don't know.

Oh My god...

Oh Felicia... Where the Fuckawei?

Sh*t sh*t sh*t!

Well, I've had a look around

and I think we can safely assume

that I now know less about motors

than I did when I first lifted

that... bonnety thing.

Now what?

Let's just not think

about it for the moment

and eat breakfast shall we?

That's a novel idea.

Let's stuff ourselves to death.

Imagine the headlines...

"Whales beach themselves in the outback."

- "Mystrey Broomsticks Dead in Drag..."

- There's no point in walking back.

The only life I saw for the last million miles

were the hypnotised bunnies

- and most of them are now wedged in the tires.

- Somebody's has to drive past for sure.

We'll keep the fire burning.

Yes, and toast marshmallows and cool

Champagne for when they arrive.

What if they don't drive past?

Look, you're not helping here.

Just eat your hormones.

- Hell. Why didn't we stick to the main road?

- What difference does it make now?

You got us into this

Antony Belrose,

And I suggest you start thinking

about how to get us back

or I don't fancy your chances of

ever trying to be a husband again.

Jesus, what are

we going to do?

We are going to start off with a facelift.

Nothing like a new frock

to brighten up your day.

Purple?

It's not purple.

It's lavender.

- What do you think?

- It's nice...

in a hideous sort of a way.

Where are you going?

If you think I'm going to sit around

watching Picasso

take on the the

public transport system,

you've got another think coming.

I'll be back with the cavalry

in a couple of hours.

There goes a transexual,

last seen heading south.

We call her Bernie

but her real name was...

I was petrified

Kept thinking

I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent

so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

I grew strong

I learned how to get along

And so now you're back

From outer space

I just walked in

to find you here

Help! Help!

- What's that Pa?

- What?

Up there you nong.

Looks like a woman.

Help!

Oh thank God.

Thank you.

I can't tell you

how grateful I am.

With that sad look upon your face

I should have...

You f***ing beauty!

Sh*t.

Bernie, I never thought

I'd be so glad to see you.

I can't say the same.

I was just drawing up the will.

Come and meet our saviours.

Tony, Adam, this is

Mr. and Mrs. Spencer.

Hello.

No! Wait!

Oh sh*t.

Oh, for goodness sake

look at yourself Mitzi.

How many times I have to tell you

green is not your color?

Do you think about Trumpet much?

No. Trumpet was just a nice kid

who had a thing about transsexuals.

Lots of people do.

Sort of a bent status symbol.

"Did you know my girlfriend

used to be a boyfriend?"

That sort of thing.

Always good for a supper invite.

Still, it was better than nothing.

Nothing, nothing for miles.

Can you hear the drums Fernando?

I've said it once

and I won't say it again...

No more f***ing Abba!

Okay, if we have the time,

we may as well put it to good use.

Come on girls. Off ya snatches.

Rehearsal time.

OK? Two steps on the right.

Boring.

Ready?

No, I did this sh*t years ago.

You did it so beautifully and,

Darling, you do so well.

Come on.

From the top.

One, two.

Go on now, go

walk out the door

Just turn around now

You're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one

who tried to break me with goodbye?

Did you think I'd crumble?

Hello.

Hello, nice night for it.

I think we just crashed a party.

No, come on. You'll be alright.

Here welcome to my office.

Have a seat.

Bernice, I don't know what could have

possibly possesed you to wear that to a corroboree

Shut your face.

Bravo!

Fabulous!

Well girls,

I guess it's our turn.

First I was afraid

I was petrified!

Kept thinkin'

I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent

so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And so now you're back

From outer space

I just walked in

to find you here

With that sad look

upon your face

I should have changed

that stupid lock

I should have made you

leave your key

If I had known for just one second

you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go

Walk out the door

Just turn around now

'cause you're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried

to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no, not I!

I will survive!

For as long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

And I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive

Hey take a look at that.

I have got one idea...

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces

of my broken heart

And I spent oh so many nights

just feelin' sorry for myself

I used to cry

but now I hold my head up high

And you see me

Somebody new

I'm not that chained up little person

still in love with you

And so you felt like dropping in

and just expect me to be free

Well, now I'm saving all my lovin'

for someone who's lovin' me

So you actually make money

by dressing up like a woman?

Oh sure. You can make a fine living

in a pair of heels.

Why Alan? Do you want a job?

Oh, if only this dress could talk.

You know, sometimes I wonder

where I got my taste from.

Definitely not my mother. Oh well.

Serves me right for letting her buy me

all these awful clothes.

What's this?

That is my most treasured possession

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