The Babysitter

1

I don't need it. I'm telling you.

Just because you don't feel sick now

doesn't mean you don't need the shot.

I never get sick, okay?

You can take that and give it to Barry.

-His nose is always running.

-What are you giving me sh*t for?

I saw you earlier today. We said hi.

I said, "Cole." You said, "Mr. Daisy."

Why are you giving me sh*t today?

I mean, it's just a needle, man.

Damn. Come here, get the shot.

Ain't nothing to be scared of.

There's 62 kids came here,

got a shot, no problem.

You come in here, take ten minutes?

I got 84 kids more to go. Okay?

We're boys. Be cool. Sh*t, man.

Are you gonna take this shot?

Step over here and take the shot,

just like you'd take some ass.

There's nothing to be scared of.

I'm not scared.

[Cole screaming]

P*ssy!

[school bell rings]

[Melanie] Did you know only one baby

was born on the Mayflower?

How crazy is that sh*t?

His name was literally Oceanus.

He didn't even have a nationality.

Just a citizen of the sea, I guess.

What class did you learn that in?

[scoffs] No one learns anything in class.

That's why we have the Internet.

[rap music playing over speakers]

[Melanie sighs] There's my dad.

[Melanie's dad] Melanie, get over here.

It was his high-school dream car.

He got it after the divorce

to make Mom jealous, but...

-it didn't work because it's a car.

-[Melanie's dad] Now.

Dad, can we give Cole a ride home?

Cole, are your parents expecting you

to take the bus home?

-I guess so.

-Yeah, they are.

So, you should take the bus, okay, sport?

Sorry, dude.

I'll see you, though, neighbor, huh?

-I didn't--

-What's that?

[engine revving]

-NASCAR Nation, b*tch. Whoo!

-[Melanie] Dad--

[Melanie] Dad!

[Jeremy]

Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.

Well, well, well.

[Jeremy] Hey, Colonoscopy.

How's it hanging?

I don't know. Okay?

Well, speaking of hanging,

have your balls dropped yet?

-[boys laughing]

-[Cole mumbling]

I didn't catch that.

I said,

"Why are you so interested in my balls?"

Last thing he cares about is your balls.

[Jeremy] Yeah, 'cause on Saturday,

I hooked up with Shelly MacEntyre.

The sophomore?

The sophomore.

But in many ways, she was a senior.

-I don't believe you.

-You don't need to believe him.

It's not like your belief will validate

what happens to his dick.

Wanna know how it was?

No, not really.

Well, see,

as a 14-year-old in that kind of situation

with a 16-year-old

that looks like Shelly MacEntyre,

it was overwhelming, man.

I mean, she is a woman.

Fully-developed, man.

It's crazy, man. It's... [grunts]

Man, you know what I'm saying?

I said, do you know what I'm saying?

You just said it didn't matter

if I believed you.

-Well, I changed my mind, b*tch.

-Sorry, I wasn't--

[Jeremy] Oh, my God. He's so weird.

[laughs]

Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.

[woman] Hey!

Did you just touch Cole?

-So, what if I did?

-[woman] Jeremy, check it out.

You so much as think about Cole again...

and I'm gonna...

[inaudible dialogue]

The girls wanna be her

The boys wanna be her

You crazy b*tch.

The girls wanna be her

-[tire hissing]

-Now get out of here!

Before I run you over,

you little Pap smear.

-Hey, Coley.

-[Cole] Hey, Bee.

These are new.

Yeah, I have to wear them sometimes.

They supposedly help strengthen

my left eye,

-but I can't tell the difference.

-You look pretty strong to me.

You skin your palms?

-It doesn't hurt.

-Yeah, it does. Come here.

-They bother you a lot?

-No.

You look away when you lie, dude.

They the ones that egg your house?

[sighs, clicks tongue]

You gotta punch them in the dick.

And if they're chasing you,

wait until they've almost got you,

drop like a bag of rocks,

then when they trip over you,

and they're on the ground,

kick them in the dick.

-Hey, so, tell me, how's the folks?

-Better, I think.

Hotel therapy's working?

[chuckles] No, come on, it's great.

I mean, they're happy,

we get to hang out, and I get paid.

-I'm like your little Protestant.

-[chuckles] What?

'Cause, like, I have to pay you

to hang out with me.

Are you trying to say "prostitute"?

Oh, my God--

No, that would make me the prostitute

and your parents the clients.

That is a terrible analogy.

That is the worst one ever.

-Oh...

-Besides,

I'd wanna hang out with you either way.

Really?

One hundred percent.

I got two years tops before you're

too cool to hang out with me.

I'll never be too cool.

[Bee]

Hey, is that the roof of your tree house?

[Cole]

Yeah, we just started to take it down.

I-- I don't care. I mean, my, uh--

Tree houses are for kids anyway.

There's a lot of good memories

in there, right?

Yeah.

All right, tomorrow night. You. Me. Party.

Sounds good.

[gulps]

[Bee grunts]

[gulps]

E.T. fingers.

[both buzzing]

-All right. See you, Cee.

-Bye-bye, Bee.

[car door squeaks]

Gotta get that door fixed.

You're still giving this to me, right?

-One hundred percent.

-Can't have a sticky door on my car.

Hey, Mom!

[Mom] Hey! Cole.

Cole, can you hand me one

of those traps, please?

Ow.

-Thanks. Hi.

-Hi.

[grunts] Thanks, buddy.

[groans] God. God.

Mom, how can you be under there?

There's like a trillion spiders.

[Mom] Cole, I don't like it under here.

It's pretty much the worst.

-Do you think I'm a p*ssy, Mom?

-[thud] Ow.

[Mom] Do you know what that word means?

-[Cole] Yeah, like, afraid of everything.

-Ow.

Um...

Huh.

Well... [sighs]

I think... you are at a time in your life

where a lot of things are scary.

But as you get older, those same things

will stop frightening you as much.

Okay?

It's gonna be okay.

[Cole] You should really get some

bug spray to kill the spiders in there.

What have they done to you?

They eat other dirty bugs.

Hey, will you get me a lemonade?

-Yep.

-Thanks.

Mom, I know "p*ssy" also means "vagina."

I'm not retarded.

Cole Johnson. Do not say "retarded."

-But I can say "p*ssy" or "vagi--"

-[drill whirring]

Don't say it, okay?

Go get me a lemonade.

Oh, my God, he said "p*ssy."

[man] Breathe in. Breathe out.

-Unclench that sphincter.

-[Cole] Okay.

-How those mirrors looking?

-Looking good.

Parking brakes?

Nope.

-Hands?

-Ten and two.

Engage.

[engine revs, fades]

Dad, did you know that seven teenagers

die a day from driving?

Really? Wow.

Did you know that, uh, 14 teenagers

die a day from over-worrying?

I went on the Internet,

and there's pictures of them.

They die like this:

Maybe next week.

All right, buddy, sure. You wanna swap?

-Yeah.

-Good. All right. You did good.

You started the car,

you put the seat belt on.

Don't worry about it, pal.

There's no rush.

It's okay to be scared.

It's not a big deal, okay?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do your friends--

Do they make fun of you

for having a babysitter?

Yeah.

But then they see her

and get really jealous.

Yeah. Heck, yeah, they do. [chuckles]

I don't know about you, buddy,

but I'm feeling like a cop.

I'm craving some donuts.

[shouting]

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