The Babysitter Page #2

[Dad] All right!

[both laughing]

What are you watching?

Your dad is bingeing on Mad Men.

Again.

You wouldn't like it.

It's on HBO?

-[chuckles]

-No, it's not-- It's not dirty, buddy.

It's not on HBO.

It's dense, you know.

So, it might go over your head.

When you get a little older,

we'll binge-watch it together.

How about that?

-[Cole] All right.

-Cole, will you clean up the toys

in the hallway for me?

Okay, Mom. Jeez.

Thank you.

[Cole] Much cleaner.

Who cares?

Hey. Oh.

Hey, that doesn't seem safe at all.

-I can handle it.

-Yeah. No, I get it.

Stop. Stop.

And hand me the knife.

Fabulous.

Why you cutting up your car with a knife?

I'm gonna switch the roof

with a fastback,

-so it's aerodynamic.

-Uh-huh.

It's gonna give me more downforce

on the turns.

When it hits the ramp,

it'll do a barrel roll

and smash into the crash zone

exactly how I intend--

Got it, got it.

I applaud your passion for aerodynamics.

I absolutely do, but only use this

if you're cutting a flank steak.

And don't do that. That's my job.

And if you take that job,

what am I doing at this house?

Do you want me to put it back?

[Dad] No. I'm gonna put this

in the dishwasher,

'cause it's coated in my sweat and fear.

My parents are going away again.

I think they go to have sex,

but it just makes me feel like they go

to get away from me.

They're definitely having sex.

They probably have sex

when you're home, too.

Besides, I bet Bee has boys over

at your place all the time doing it.

Nope. No.

No way. Not a chance.

Yeah. That's what babysitters do.

They put the kids down,

sneak their boyfriends in. Doing it.

Seriously, have you ever been awake

after she's fallen asleep?

I dare you to stay up tonight. You'll see.

I'm gonna find out.

-Perv.

-No! I'm choking!

-[Melanie laughing]

-[Cole shouting]

[boy] P*ssy!

[school bell rings]

Honey, not that I'm rushing you,

but weren't we supposed to leave at five?

[Mom] No, honey,

5:
30 to avoid holiday traffic.

We were supposed to leave at five.

Don't move the furniture around.

We just did the floors.

-I don't want your mom yelling.

-[Cole] Got it.

I don't yell at you.

I just speak in all caps.

Right. That's what I love about her.

-[doorbell rings]

-Here. Get that. It's probably Bee.

[Cole] Okay.

-[Mom] Can you hurry up?

-[Dad] Yes.

[exhales deeply]

-What up, Cee?

-What up, Bee?

[both buzzing]

-[Mom] Hey, Bee. How are you?

-Oh, you know, can't complain.

-[Mom] Good.

-Where to this weekend?

-Uh... The Hyatt. Living large.

-Mm!

[Dad] Can't find it!

Uh, try the bottom drawer

under your Invisalign.

Um, anyway, you know the drill.

No violent movies,

no junk food, bed by ten.

-[Cole] Mom.

-Bed by 10:
30?

-[Cole] You serious?

-[Bee] Anything else?

Uh, there is not a bathing suit

in that bedroom.

[Mom] Then, honey,

I don't know what to tell you.

-I'm not up there.

-[Dad] Okay.

[sighs]

-He's totally gonna bring his jean shorts.

-[Cole] Mom, he calls them jorts.

-Well, we'll be fine. I can handle him.

-I know. You're the best.

-[Dad] I'm bringing my jorts.

-[Mom] I knew it!

-[Dad] I'm bringing my jorts.

-I knew it. Great.

I will be the envy of women everywhere.

Hey, uh, Bee,

call us if there's any trouble, okay?

-Cole, don't cause any trouble.

-[Cole] Dad, I know.

You know what, honey?

-You got your flu shot, so no exertion.

-[Cole] Mom.

-Yeah, no running around. Board games.

-[Cole] Got it. Okay?

Hey, Cole, remember,

you're the man of the house now.

That's sweet. You are.

-We love you. Bye, Bee.

-I love you. Have fun.

-[Dad] But not too much fun.

-[Mom] Not too much.

[Foghat's

"I Just Want to Make Love to You" playing]

I don't want you cook my bread

I don't want you make my bed

I don't want you to be true

I just want to make love to you

I don't want you be no slave

I don't want you to be sad and blue

I just want to make love to you

[Cole] No way you're gonna beat my dive.

So, you're basically saying,

intergalactic dream team on a mission.

-Yeah. So, there's an epic villain, right?

-Right.

Okay, so, you have to fill a starship...

full of the best people or aliens

or robots to take them down.

-How many seats have I got?

-Five.

-Five?

-Six, if you need, like, a duo.

But you can't have a Predator

and Xenomorph.

They'd fight. The mission would be futile.

No, no, okay, I get it.

All right. One... Kirk.

Two, Picard.

Three, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum

from Independence Day.

Five, Ripley, and six...

Are you ready for this sh*t?

A Xenomorph egg.

-No way.

-Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Okay. Here's the plan.

Kirk and Picard team up to captain,

then when they get close,

they send Will and Goldblum

to get inside the lair.

-They have experience with that.

-Fair.

Now, this whole time,

Ripley's been bitching

about the Xenomorph egg and sh*t,

'cause that's her move.

But she's gotta do this.

-It's the only way to save the world.

-The universe.

Right! Exactly!

So,

Will and Goldblum get her inside the lair.

Ripley personally drops off the egg,

the facehugger attacks the big bad!

Ripley makes it back to Will and Goldblum,

the big bad attacks them,

they narrowly escape.

Kirk and Picard supply cover

as the spacecraft returns home,

then they peace out of there. Meanwhile,

the big bad starts feeling like sh*t...

-[groaning]

-[both shouting]

He's out!

Who said he was a he?

-Shut up. A woman just saved the galaxy.

-Are facehuggers female?

No, 'cause they got d*cks.

Oh, so, you're saying it took a dick

to save the galaxy.

-I want a do-over.

-[grunts]

-I want a do-over.

-No do-overs.

Come on. Aliens don't abide

by our primitive gender stereotypes.

-What's done is done.

-You suck.

-You suck, and I hope you die.

-You couldn't live without me.

It would definitely affect my income.

So, you're probably right.

[timer dings]

-Pizza!

-Pizza!

[Bee and actor 1] Big Indian Chief.

So special. So above the law.

I told you, you'd make a mistake,

and I'd be waiting.

[Cole and actor 2] It doesn't look

like I have any choice, does it?

[Bee and actor 1 laugh]

That's right. You don't.

[Cole and actor 2]

I'm gonna take this right foot...

and I'm gonna whop you

on that side of your face.

And you wanna know something?

There's not a damn thing

you're gonna be able to do about it.

-[Bee and actor 1] Really?

-[Cole and actor 2] Really.

[Bee and actor 1]

Kill that Indian son of a b*tch.

[grunting and shouting]

[both laughing]

Think my parents are gonna get a divorce?

I don't know, man. I hope not.

Melanie's parents got divorced.

Her mom lives with her boyfriend.

That's gross.

Isn't that the cute chick

across the street?

Ms. Dryer is not cute. She's gross.

Her boyfriend's like 20.

Not her. Melanie.

I wouldn't say she's cute.

Oh, I would.

I would say she's super-duper cute.

[stammers] I see what you're trying to do.

It's not gonna work.

Whatever. You want your tongues to touch.

Nope. No way.

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