The Bachelor Page #5

But let's not talk about this

with them.

- 'Cause I just...

- Please, God, make it stop.

- Happy anniversary!

- Thank you.

I'll get the bags.

Dale, missing you already.

okay, how can I say this

politely?

If you hadn't walked in here just now,

I'd have forgotten you even existed.

I mean, Joey,

you strut onto my stage...

and dangle money in front of my face

like I'm gonna swoon...

when all I even remember about you

is we screwed a couple of times.

And I recall thinking

you look nice with your shirt off.

But then again, so do I.

These are completely bent.

These suck.

- She didn't remember you, huh?

- She did. Vaguely.

oh, vaguely, that's good.

I tell you, man,

what goes around, comes around.

- I have no idea what you mean by that.

- Yeah, right.

oh, it's my fault some girl

I hooked up with a few years back...

isn't chomping at the bit

to marry me.

What goes around, comes around.

All right, man, come on.

We need a name and a number.

Carolyn.

oh, yeah,

the eternal student.

The kids'll be bright. They'll have

no friends, but they'll be bright.

I bet you've never even considered

the symbolism of a traditional wedding.

Give me a break, Carolyn.

I was an Econ major.

Then it's right up your alley,

because that's what it is.

It is a ritualized

property transfer.

Father-slash-seller arrives

with daughter-slash-property...

who's wearing a white dress to guarantee

the merchandise is, you know, unspoiled.

A religious figure

sanctifies the sale...

and daughter-property

becomes wife-property.

It's beautiful, really.

It's precious.

Look, this man-slash-potential groom

doesn't have the time-slash-energy...

to put up with this feminist-slash-

pseudopsychological bullshit.

Yes or no?

Glad to see you still got balls.

I don't believe in marriage.

Neither do I.

That's the beauty of this offer.

It's a marriage for people

who don't believe in marriage.

Your outlook, Jimmie,

is so totally patriarchal...

right down to these roses, which are

the classic male overture to seduction.

I always thought of them as flowers.

They certainly smell like flowers.

No, it's symbolism. They just

happen to be the plant's vagina.

- Come on!

- It's true!

That symbolism

is the reason men give flowers.

Why would a man

give a woman a symbolic vagina?

Why wouldn't he?

It just happens to signal

that his intentions go beyond platonic.

It lets her know

what he ultimately wants.

Carolyn, I'm not interested

in your goddamn vagina, all right?

I just wanna marry you!

So, thinking ahead,

if Daphne says no, who do we go for?

Be serious. We need Daphne.

I mean, who's left, Monique?

We need Daphne, all right?

Monique is dull.

Her life is eggplants

and bean sprouts...

lettuce, Brussels sprouts,

broccoli.

This is so exciting.

- No peeking!

- oh, well, all right.

No peeking?

All right, there. okay.

Go ahead. open the box.

- I can't!

- Yes, you can!

- open the box.

- open it!

All right.

It's so beautiful!

You're so beautiful.

Mom!

That's why people

don't go out with you.

Wait. I have to go

to the bathroom.

Don't be too long.

I'll be back as quick as I can.

Missing you already!

Natalie and I were talking about

going to get a drink, if that's okay.

okay? You kidding?

Your mother and I have got plenty

to keep ourselves amused.

- Drink?

- Drink.

Move aside.

Through here.

Come on.

I got him from here.

Get him the hell into cell six,

and nobody talks to him but me.

You got it.

Hey, hey, hey! You think I'm playing

some kind of game with you?

I don't play good cop-bad cop.

It requires too much patience.

I go straight to bad cop, worse cop.

- Now behave!

- You heard the lady. Move it!

- I see you're still enjoying your job.

- Yeah.

You look great.

- You lose some weight?

- Get that guy!

Stay down, ya stinkin' mope, before

I hammer your nuts up to your tonsils!

Twelve pounds. Can ya tell?

- Would you relax?

- Relax? Let me get this straight.

You're saying,

take this money...

and give up any chance of ever

finding true and meaningful love?

I'm only kind of saying that.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with you?

Don't you want to marry

someone you love?

Unfortunately, for me, at this point,

that is not an option.

Well, fortunately,

for me, it is.

I've always had this dream that I'd open

up my own restaurant and have this...

You don't want to hear about this.

I'd definitely like

to hear about this.

It'd be more than a restaurant.

It'd be more like

a new approach to food.

Take salad. People hear "salad,"

and they think lettuce, right?

And usually iceberg lettuce,

especially Americans.

They don't realize all the different

varieties and kinds of lettuce...

and all the things

that can be done...

Brussels sprouts.

People go through their day

kind of blah.

But if they really

stopped and looked...

they'd realize that the Brussels sprout

is more than another green vegetable.

What it really is...

Cabbage.

How could you strike out six times?

It hasn't been pretty.

on the last one he says he blanked.

You mentioned the money?

That's what happened, all right?

I just lost my ability

to carry on a conversation.

You used to date her!

So what do you want me to do,

mime the proposal?

- Yes!

- And you mentioned the money?

What in hell kind of women

are these?

Enough! All right?

Where is she?

Buckley.

okay, crunch time.

Seventh game of the World Series.

Bottom of the ninth,

two outs, full count.

This is our last chance.

There's no tomorrow. Got it?

Four clichs ago.

237 jobs, man, huh?

Just give me

the damn symbolic vaginas.

You are sick!

Nice to see you, Buckley.

- You didn't have to.

- Well, I wanted to.

Truth is, ever since

we stopped dating...

well, I've thought

about you a lot.

And what have you been thinking?

Well, I've been thinking that

of all the women I've dated...

you are without question...

the...

most poised.

I'm sure you're right.

Yeah, and lately I've...

realized I could use

more poise in my life.

What are you doing?

You must wonder

what we're doing here.

Roy o'Dell told me

all about your grandfather's will.

- I'll marry you.

- You will?

Just like that?

The Hale-Winter

family situation is eroding.

We could use an infusion.

Sacrifices must be made.

Get up.

okay. oh, my goodness.

This is fun!

I'd forgotten how much fun

this can be!

It took you 22 San Miguels

to realize that?

Really nice guys, huh?

Viable choices.

- Can I cut in?

- Yeah, cut in. Hi.

oh, God.

How come Mom and Dad

like each other so much?

I know.

It's hard to take,

but it would be really...

- It would be really nice to have.

- Yeah.

For those of us

who don't already have it.

- Where's Marco?

- He went to pick up Buckley's dress.

It's been on standby since the family

Picassos went up for auction.

one hundred million dollars.

one hundred million dollars.

one, zero, zero, million dollars.

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